I Can Read Maps but I Lost Myself

It's been an emo Saturday. Well, partially. Or maybe it's more like a roller coaster between Yes and No throught the day.

I found that, I'm ok with NO swimming session in a Saturday. And I really think something weird is going on with me becuase I don't crave for the time to read and I haven't started a single search in the WordSearch puzzles I bought last week.

I've lost myself, including the guts to blame it to the hormones.

hormone overdose

PMS hits at a very wrong timing, especially when the world seems to conspire with the hormone to make fun of me, with me easily letting them to.

1. my beloved husband (the dearest washing machine in my condo) decided to leak its outgoing water into the kitchen. There was blockage at the drainage system actually. But we went nuts mopping the floor. And it's going to repeat this tragic everytime we use the washing machine. But washing machine is my LIFE...

2. and because the washing machine leaked, I can't use the small space near it that I planned to use as a study table. My room is very small (5 feet x 7 feet) and I would really appreciate it if I can use that place. It means a lot to me because I need a GOOD place to surf the web, MSN, blogging, read news/magazines online, do revision, Bible study, leisure reading, day dreaming and 1001 other things you can do at the study table. It totally blew my hope. Hope the landlord can fix it quickly pls pls pls...

3. cannot decide if I want to go buy stuff tomorrow. Still lacking shoe shelf, nice rugs for room, iron board... Basically I'm not in the mood to shop alone but I dunno who else to go shopping with and I can't see myself bringing the iron board back with alone and... maybe I just hate being indecisive, finally.

4. internet connection is slow at the moment. It affects my MSN. I'm already moody and hope to talk to someone but it keeps disconnecting! But well, to frustrate me further, I'm not in the mood to chat with those online now.

5. and those I wanted to talk to... I've called two people, but each only lasted for 10 minutes, and probably they didn't know I was moody and I actually didn't really want to talk about the things we talked about over the phone. Those topics were sort of like my second interests because I wish I could tell them that I was feeling emo. But I guess no one will know what to do/say if I tell them that anyway. I was frustrated at myself for not making it clear that I don't want to hang up yet, that even if we breathe quietly over the speaker is a good enough conversation than trying to create topics.

6. cannot visit those at ICRC this weekend. But it's not that I'm really that important anyway, no matter how Kevin tried to be nice.

7. I'm starting work on next Monday, which is the day after tomorrow. And I'm lacking a sanctuary to do revision or read up - I can't enjoy preparing myself for work because I can't read joyfully.

and because I know I can't blame anyone, I feel even more emo.

Can't you understand that?! I called you because I want to talk to you!

edited: the third person I called today, is always the one who can cheer me up :) thanks, friend. and what you keep hee hee-ing about lar?! ;p

Benefit of Doubt

For those who have known me for a long time, maybe you'd know that sometimes, I'm too naive a person. Sad to say, I have yet to learn how to master the skill to trust the right person, and set off the alarm when someone with evil intention get close. I have yet to realise how it will lead me to be a victim over and over again, of those who take advantage of others' genuine empathy.

I was holding a pack of dinner treated by my friend from my work place. My friend is a trainer there, and he has free trainer meal every week. This is my final week working there, and he insisted that he wanted to treat me. I was a little hungry, too. I had my dinner at 4:50pm, right before I start my shift from 5pm till 10pm. 

As I was approaching the exit of KLCC after work, there was this Chinese man from China approached me, and asked if I understand Mandarin. I am aware that sometimes tourists come across unfriendly Malaysians and have bad impression about us. So I was just trying to be nice, and see if I could help him to find his way. Kevin says I am already sort of living in KLCC anyway.

However, he was not looking for direction. He was asking me to lend him some money. He said he needed some money to buy food. Instantly I felt that he must be starving because all the shop had closed by this time (10:30pm). Then I offered him the meal my friend treated me. I thought it was a good solution-met-problem match. He needed food, I had food which I did not desparately need.

At first he turned it down, and still asked for money. He tried to give me his name card, and convince me that he will be around town for a few days and the next day he could have enough money to pay me back or treat me a meal already. It never occurred to me that I wanted him to pay me back if I had decided to lend him money. I have a traumatizing past experience with creepy stranger just because I was also only trying to be nice.

Eventually he told me that he needed money also for transport and accommodation for a night. I realised that he was asking for more now, and I apparently don't have enough money for all that. So I told him I don't have that much money with me. Then he asked me how much did I have with me. I knew I have RM70 plus because I counted it earlier to make sure I have extra money for my SPA interview tomorrow - traveling there, food and etc. But I mumbled I only have RM20. Honestly, that was the amount I would be lending/giving him should I had decided to trust him.

Thank God that I am a decidophobe. It took me a while to hesitate. There was once a motorist approached me at a bus stop, telling me that his bike has broken down, and needed some money to get his bike to repair. There was no ATM machine around, obviously. He asked for RM18. I handed him RM20. And I felt happy after that, like a cheerful giver. It never occurred to me that I wanted to have his contact number so that I could get my money back, too. I thought this time will also be the same. Someone who's desparate enough to ask for money, in the centre of a big city, at night. I can relate very well how one would feel lonely and helpless when he doesn't have enough money with him. I thought I could afford to help.

Back to the Chinese guy. So, he said, RM20 is good enough. He tried to convince me that his father will be picking him up tomorrow and he will have enough money to pay me back. I wasn't even thinking about how he is going to pay me back, because I had not even done deciding whether or not to trust him yet. And Jun Hoe's advices hit me: that not to trust strangers too easily because they are strangers after all, and when it is needed, we have to learn to say NO and be firm on our own stand.

When I finally managed enough courage to tell him that I don't want to lend him money irregards of the amount (because I couldn't get over the fact that I lied to him about the RM20), he turned his attention to the food I offered and he turned down just now. He asked, "So this is food?" And since then, I started to hesitate if I wanted to give him that too. Because it costs RM25+, which is a little too luxury for a dinner. Actually, it means more than RM25 to me, for the apparent reason - it's a treat from my friend! He wanted me to enjoy it because we probably won't be seeing each other much after this Friday!

He then grabbed the food from my hand, and when I had not done deciding if I should give him the food, he said it's alright, he would take the food instead. @!$@#%$#5 ?!! It was MY food, hello?! But it was me who offered it just now, as I tried to avoid involving money in this case. And I started anew to decide if it was alright to give him the food because he might need it more than I did, even if he could be lying about his no-money status. And a small voice inside me told me that: "Let it go, maybe he is really desparate. It's only food. You feel heavy-hearted just because it is fancy food, not because you need it to survive. You have enough money to afford some buns from the hostel cafe later and you should be thankful for that. You should just let the miserable and decidophobia-enhancing moments end here and get back hostel immediately before the curfew."

So I let it go, and the Chinese guy thanked me, though I wasn't even listening to him already. I couldn't hear anything around me as I saw him walked away, with the Chicken Crisper. I knew the food will go down to someone's stomach, which, serves the purpose of filling the hunger. I wanted to believe that it would serve a bigger purpose should someone needed it more than I did could have it. I tried to think that, maybe Nar would be happy too, that his food went to someone who would receive it gratefully.

But deep down I wasn't feeling happy. I felt that I failed terribly to defend myself - so terrible that even a stranger could push me around like that. I was frustrated with myself for not being able to be firm with my own mind. I understand that I absolutely had the right to say NO and let that Chinese guy thinks that I am unfriendly and selfish and cold-hearted and realistic and 1001 other descriptions for an unhelpful local and get hold of what is important to me, yet I let him took advantage of me being indecisive and felt too guilty being unempathic.

Kevin once said he couldn't believe as someone who's already at her final year, I am surprisingly quite a dumb person. I have no ground to disagree.

And for once I was actually recognised correctly as a Chinese instead of some exotic indigenous tribes from East Malaysia , I hated it.

If Jun Hoe is reading this, he probably is shaking his head now, again. When will I actually learn to improve? I don't want to shut down my heart and totally not feeling empathy for strangers who might be genuinely in need. I want to keep the faith in me that allows me to give people the benefit of doubt sometimes. Because I was just trying to be nice. Because I believe things may happen and may strike a person down to pleading for help. Because I want to release them from the agony of helplessness. Because I can't even tell a lie to save myself. 

Because I can't help but to be a little too empathic sometimes most of the time.

;-(

and so i broke my Facebook abstinence

by asking Kevin to approve a friend's request for me.

:-( sigh

As the bright star cruises west

At some point I really think that I should give Kevin my Blogspot password, too. Now. As I've given him my Facebook password almost 3 weeks ago, I have not signed into it since then. And I tend to update my blog every other day! Albert said that I seem like blogging everyday. Not.so.true, Albert. Not everyday kia su de ma.

There's something at the back of my head. I know what it is and I wanted to blog about it. It's something that I want to discuss constructively. But I can't do it now. I shall do so after my exam and viva. When I really have the time to think about it and structure it out. But yeah, June's heard about it from me yesterday :) Thanks for dropping by, dear. Anytime.

But if a blog is like an outlet for a twisted mind of Kevin, then he will understand perhaps this is the thing I can't live without. A venue for expression. I'm not sure if I like the attention from BloggerUnited everytime I sign in or posted up a new post, but I do treasure the comments by every visitors. Nonetheless, every time as I wanted to post up something, I have to think about the consequences it may have, the possible scrutinization and the judgement which hence follows, maybe? This blog used to be known to nobody but myself. And I felt no pressure in posting up everything. Now that I understand there are people who are actually free enough to do blogwalking around, I wonder if I am strong enough not to give their take on my blog a damn.

Maybe I already am.

Tomorrow is Saturday. It's not a usual Saturday. A friend of mine is flying to somewhere known for their cute guys. Of course he'll be back in a while. But I'll still keep him in prayer. And watch the night sky as a tiny bright spot cruises west. Someone who's always around, and knows when to ask "So do you want coffee too?", will be out of contact for a while. I think I just need to get use to it, don't I?

I want souvenirs. Bring back a cute guy's contact for me, won't you? :) And come back cepat la kia su de ma.

The Names

That even the slightest mention of her name shall scratch a scar on my heart.  A scar as deep as a bottomless hollow. But even if you don't mention it, I can hear your heart calls out to her, so dearly that even your every heart beat rhymes with it, so loudly that my ears hear nothing more than the scream of my wound as salts are poured onto it. 

Silence shall roar at the chaotic emotions. And the wilderness shall be filled with shadows of emptiness. The greatest despair is not when you can't hear the sighs of my heart, but the flicker in your eyes as the sweet name is breathed.

For even the slightest mention of your name shall now burn myself into ashes.

Flying high

When I know that you're leaving, my smile froze and heart sealed, till the day of your return. Even if you don't, at least my smile won't turn into tears and my heart won't break from missing you too badly. 

But I hope we don't have to put the protections for trial, do we?

Have a safe trip, and call home lah, Tuna.

I'll try not to misbehave when you're not around. Because there's no one else I can run to when you're gone.

weird mood

In case you don't know:

1. I am looking forward to listening to all the songs in Taylor Swift's Fearless. I love her voice.

2. I'm now suffering from monotaxiophobia - afraid to take taxi alone. It used to be so natural, just need to hop in and reach destination safely. Of course I'll stay alert and all. But now, I cannot even bear the thought of flagging down a taxi at taxi stand all by myself.

3. I think I NEED a bear hug, or a heart-warming verbal conversation in English. Now. Or ASAP. If you can give me any of these, please do...

Feeling kinda weird today, physically and mentally.

Oh, it's Good Friday tomorrow.

;-(

It's the Lord's day. But it's a horrible day to me. Ever hit by an or a series of incidents so hard that you felt paralysed and numb as if your soul is out of the shell? That the inspiration you got after church service is used up in the process, and you felt like the world is coming to an end? That you tend to generalise the whole world to be dark and evil, and loose faith in the future?

Sobs... Never hated myself so much like now. Sobs..

Ha.hA HoRmoNe

Is there anything more challenging than having PMS during the very-stressful-already mid sem test week?

Some more I may have to change my plan about going to Tasik Kenyir after exam. It's a trip with coursemates to take water sample from the lake for our Mikrobiologi Kesihatan dan Persekitaran (Health and Environment Microbiology) subject. Because of this "inconvenience", I may not be able to enter the lake to get hands on experience to collect water sample, so what's the point I'm following? Furthermore, we might have to sleep in tent because of tight budget. It's not the problem of sleeping in tent. In fact, I'd like to have this kind of camping experience when I have the chance to. Yet, what's the purpose of the trip again? Yea, rite, as if it's so easy to decide to go or not to go. I have to think of a way to tell my male lecturer my situation ok? Even if I followed them still, yet at the end I didn't enter the water, everyone would've guessed the reason OK? Man...Really hard to decide la, really decidophobia, as how Bernard likes to put it when I cannot make up my mind about something trivial.

Wey Wen is asking the ukm debaters for a movie some time around Independence Day, which clashes with the trip. But I'd like to join them for this too! *sigh*

Hormone...

S-hole day..

My new definition of asshole:

1. She had <10% confidence when she poked the needle into her friend's arm to withdraw blood. She couldn't even see the vein she's poking!
2. She locked herself out of the room.
3. Her friend invited her to an online game website with the kind intention of making her relax a little while studying for midsem exam, yet she said she'd only visit the site after said friend do the true friend test down there.
4. She asked desperately for the said friend to leave a testimony at her friendster site, which, she didn't tell her other friends about its existence at the first place.
5. She failed twice in the attempt to withdraw her friend's blood AND she sobbed outside the lab.
6. She has forgotten how to leave a comment in her friends' blog in friendster.
7. She couldn't stop talking when sitting with her ex-roommate in the library.
8. She laughs with no reason at EVERY facial expression her ex-roommate does. She thinks that girl is a born joker.
9. She confessed her feeling towards her Mr.Crush in the thank-you card she gave him as his graduation-congratulating card.
10. She's writing this post.

Yea, that's what on my mind after the long day at class and lab yesterday, felt the word repeating in my brain even more after i realised i've forgotten to bring along my room key before i left the room. How could have I done that? i've stayed in that room for more than 1 year! Stupid asshole.


























If you believed that I'd ever call myself an asshole, you can add that to the list and... the definition will no longer point at me.. hee hee

Convo

Last Sunday was my senior buddy - Yoke Hwa's convo, as well as Wey Wen's. That's the only convo session I think of going at the very beginning. Because it's on Sunday and I think I somehow had a "duty" to turn up for my buddy's convo to congratulate her and know how she is doing lately. For Wey Wen, I really wish to meet her, and return her book I Dreamed of Africa, but I think I can pass it to her later, hee hee. Just to meet her up and see if she had grown taller. Anyway, I gave my buddy a bouquet of flower and a Winnie-the-Pooh-in-graduation-robe soft toy, both gifts cost were shared among my co-buddy and each other's little buddy and grandbuddy. As for Wey Wen, I bought her a little red soft toy too, specially hand-picked by myself and shared with Lorraine.

On that day, I also met up with other graduated seniors-cum-friends, took picture together and sent them best wishes. Some are working in KL currently, so, yea, no need so sad about their leaving la.

Today, was his convo. I struggled within myself whether to go or not. I have a card to give him, but I've pasted a stamp on the envelope and some more already written his home address. I can just drop it in a post box right outside KTSN. Now the card is still with me. And I just read his blog and look at some pictures he took during his convo. And there's a little small voice inside me saying:"I could've gone for his convo.."

His convo session was schedulled at the least favourite time: in the evening(right after office hour) on a weekday. Great. Some more in the afternoon I have lab. With the mid sem exam getting nearer and nearer, I finally convince myself that I don't have to go. Fea and other debater will surely turn up with better gifts than my.. what? A small thank-you card? yea..

But somehow.. I still think I could've turn up for this event lo, to take picture with him or whatever, even though he thought this is not really a big event..

I could've gone... Sorry