Friday, July 27, 2007

fave song4

Well, maybe this song may not be my all-time-favourite(in future, since i can't forsee future), but i really like it the moment i listen to it, hence i decided it deserves a place here, too. Song: Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park. I like some of Linkin Park songs since high school when they started gaining popularity among teens and young adults.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are


I like this song because they sang with wider vocal range in this song, and it is not really that hard-rock. That explains why i am not a total Linkin Park fan because i only accept a certain singing style of them. But they are really good in making music. Through the lines of their lyrics, sometimes i don't have to listen to -how- they sing the particular song, i already touched by the message they bring. Some, however, the lyric may seemed just plain (to someone who has average level of literature appreciation like me), yet they sing with great passion and this is the killng factor :-) I admire Linkin Park in how their songs in one album can mention about various issues, awareness etc, not solely about cupit love, which is the reason why i'm sick with most mandarin songs.

Ha, this may not be a very clear comment on what i think about Linkin Park. But overall, their rock songs are not annoying and no-so-rock songs are my favourite :-) that's why when Albert said he's thinking of buying Linkin Park's latest album, i was not surprise.

By the way, thanks Alia, for lending me your Minutes to Midnight, and enjoy your new Maroon Five too, hee hee. Also, thanks for dropping by KTSN to listen to my questions about adjudication. Alia's always been like my elder sister to me, and i always look up to her just like how i look up to Wey Wen, not only as seniors, but as a family member whom i can trust. Both of them are my senior debaters whom i've mentioned about in my previous posts. Fea, too, adorable one whom I'll always miss when she's not around making noise and killing people, hee hee. Since I've learnt how to load pictures in blogspot, here, pictures of:

Sweet Alia, in pink most of the time.

No, Fea does not always look so garang, she just likes to have a "variety" of facial expression. She's very loving actually *smile*

Always misjudged by other people as little girl, Wey Wen is also my course senior. She's holding the VC Cup trophy won by KTSN juniors last year.

That's it for this time, still enjoying Linkin Park songs :-) I'm glad to know how some of us are blessed with the ability to hear. Good songs always remind me of this great blessing. Hence, do more than hear -- listen.

Sunday, July 22, 2007


21/7/07 (beautiful saturday)

i never know there'd be anything besides going to church will shake my stand to attend any debating briefing at bangi and meet my debater friends there. Really. until last thursday.

"this saturday? Harry potter? huh...but i'm suppose to bring the KTSN debate juniors to bangi for their first briefing regarding the VC cup.."

"Sunday will be too rush for us, you have church in the morning, i also have activity at night."

After we struggled through some negotiation, i decided to give up the debate briefing and opt for movies with Albert. If i were to attend the briefing, what i need to do is just bringing them there and back. i can trust Gab to do this.. So here goes, my "personal" issue that made me couldn't attend the briefing that day. But this time, i really take it seriously, it's a big thing for me, i really want to put it at highest priority, even above debate.

As i've expected, it's a great day. luckily I managed to get two tickets on friday for Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. After my HM (co-curriculum) class on Sat, i went to Times Square to meet up with Albert. He had to come all the way from HUKM, Cheras to KL here. At first i didn't know the reason why he'd do this. Later only i found out.

I can't say the movie was great because as usual, you never expect a positive comment from someone who has read the book twice or more. In the sense of story line, i really found that it had skipped a lot, in a very rapid pace too. Yet, surprisingly, i realised that there were dialouges between the charactors which if not mistaken, not found in the book. The way they said it was like addressing some real issues we have in our life. Sorry i can't explain more on this point but there were several scenes that really make me amaze how they could have use this way to bring out different message yet maintain the plot. i quite satisfy with this movie honestly, seeing things in a new angle and learn from a supposedly -children- movie.

After movie, we visited Borders, our favourite. i bought a new book Like a Flowing River by Paulo Coelho (again, don't really remember the names). i wanted to buy another book too -- Song of a Hummed back whale by Jodi Piccoult (please, correct the names for me if you wish to) but because i ddidn't bring enough money, so got to let go the latter. Luckily, the River book is a great book, more to inspirational type and i find the joy in reading it.

After Borders, we had our dinner at Kim Gary at Sungai Wang. As usual, it's very crowded. The food there is OK la, it's not so good to the extent that can beat my mum's. Still, i enjoyed the dinner. Because of right atmosphere and right people.

This time i may not talk so much on our outing, i want to just briefly blog about our progress.

Albert always want to continue to be my friend and at the same time, try hard to make me take him as a friend too. I never see his effort. I always thought he'll never understand how i feel(felt) about us. Once i wanted to be more than just friends, once i wanted to be only friends. Once i thought i'm going to have special feeling towards him forever; once i had cruch on my debater friend whom i thought i can finally move on from Albert and accept other "special" guys in my life. I'm the one that don't really see how things work and experience how he's felt.

He came all the way here, just because i said i wanted to watch Harry potter. There are cinema around his area, but because i'm here in KL, he came here. This is his effort, to be how a friend would have been.

Stupid me went and tell him that i still miss him sometimes, ha...and made him frustrated and disappointed with me, made him felt that he has wasted his money and time to come here because i wasn't putting effort to move on. He is right. After 2 ++ years only i realise what he has struggled through, where i have stayed and not growing up. I used to think I was only making a circle even if i tried to move on. But the truth is, i don't really put much effort as he does. I also thought that he's cold blooded, never understand my feeling. But i was terribly wrong. He does understand, and i only make him feel worse when i told him about this misunderstanding.

I'm sorry, Albert. It took me so long to crawl out from the shell i made for myself. You have always been good to me even when i doubted you care. Thank you for all that you have done, and i'm looking forward to go out with you again in future, even if it means i have to give up my debate activity, even if it means i have to go back KTSN late, and i will take it as a good day off with my good old friend, enjoying pizza and fashion show from you!

Sunday, July 15, 2007

keeping it low

ok ok, now i got to convince myself that my crush is really just a crush. it is only temporary, ooonly temporary. He will soon be replace by someone, say, victor from monash? Great.

Today i travelled back KL from my homwtown Penang. Sitting next to me was a Malay guy. I don't always have good impression on guys who dyed their hair, regardless of their race. But this guy is quite charming though, especially when he kissed his dad's hand before he ride on the bus, a Malay tradition which i find quite touching. Some more it's from a stylish guy, whom i thought could've forgotten all those values. That's why, it's wrong to judge someone with their appearance.

The biggest plus point for this guy is -- he treated me a chewing gum during the long journey to KL. It may sounded like a kid who is easily kidnapped just because she took a "magic sweet rubber" from a stranger. But I don't know..I was surprised by his act and even more surprised by mine -- taking his chewing gum and beaming as i thanked him.

The important thing here is -- for just a split second, just a little act, a cheap chewing gum can knock my crush out of my mind for a while. and I'm feeling great because now I know that the crush i'm having now is just another crush and there's a cure for it!! so all i have to do now is to hold on a little longer in keeping myself from confessing my feeling to Mr.Crush and let this feeling subside.

Some may say it's better to tell one how we feel towards them for there may be no tomorrow, like the 911 incident, where a lot of people didn't really get to say their last I-love-you or I'm-sorry. But this is...different. telling him will really mean there IS no tomorrow for me. i do think of telling him, but not right now. maybe after the *ahem* event, where we no longer will meet each other very frequently. bear with it, bear with it. take a deep breathe and keep it low.

May I have another chewing gum please? hee hee

Thursday, July 12, 2007



It's my first ever international tournament and it happened to be held in Malaysia by the debating society of Universiti institute Teknologi Mara (UiTM), whom I always have good impression about their capability in organizing tournaments, really. Participants came from pan-australasia region, to name a few -- China, Japan, Korea, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, California, Bangladash, Indonesia, Thailand, and Malaysia. There were more than 100 teams and 90 adjudicators took part in this tournament and we stayed in Holiday Villa Subang Resort, a 5-star hotel, from 2nd July till 9th July 2007.

On 2th July, the registration day, we arrived around 12 noon at the hotel. After filling in some forms required by the organizing committee, we hanged around to wait for checking in at 2pm as we were told. Sadly to say, ever since the first task was -delayed-. We waited 30 min and another 30 min and maybe another 1 before we got to check in to our rooms. And we WERE the lucky ones because there were people who needed to wait for even longer than us to get their rooms. At first, we got only 1 triple room for 5 people, 3 males and 2 females. Of course, I was quite surprise, how could UiTM not understand it's not a very "Malaysian" thing to mix boys and girls in a same room although we understand every word of "to cut cost". Hence, we tried to ask the committee again about this, see if there's any extra room. To cut things short, we managed to get another room, which was meant for us at the first place, just a little mixed up at the counter. Still, we undrestand very well at how things can happen at the very first day of tournament. Besides, I believe it's the hotel's problem in managing this, not the committee, because it's very usual for customers to check out around 11 am or 12 noon and hotel has around 2 hours to do housekeeping before another customer check in. Puh-lease, it's a 5-STAR hotel ok? You have 300+ customers to check in that day didn't mean that you also have 300+ customers to check out on that day per se.

After checking in, we rested in our own rooms, while waiting for the pool party at 8pm. I was pranked by Sek Kuan and Jerry who called from their room to mine and pretended to be someone else on the phone. First call was from Sek Kuan. I was already fast asleep when the phone next to me rang. I picked it up without realising he's on the line. I must have been too blurred to recognize his voice. He said someone complaint that we're too noisy in my room and asked us (salwa and I stayed together) to slow down our volume. I was shocked. "Huh..?" At the same time, I saw the TV was on, so I thought Salwa must've turned the volume a little too high when I was asleep. I knew she was watching TV before I fell asleep. Then he went on to ask us why we were there. That's a stupid question, how could a manager or receptionist ask about our private stuff like this? But yea, I was blurr enough to answer him: "debat." I know, I'm the kind of person who's easy to be tricked and naive enough to answer these question honestly. Finally, he reminded me again not to be too noisy and -for my information- there's an old man staying next door. The sense of humour just hit me and I suddenly had the feeling that it's them who made the call! But I wasn't sure, so just remained "yes, yes." and fought down the effort to laugh becuase who knows it'll be real that an old man next door was troubled by our "noisiness" by right the TV volume wasn't that high anyway and I was fast asleep.

After i hanged up, I resumed my sleep. I wasn't very please with their act because I must not be disturbed whenever I'm asleep. Sometimes if I can fall asleep again, then it'd be fine, but when I can't, that means I'm going to have headache for the rest of the night and my attention can be deviated away easily. Soon enough, Jerry called. I've guessed it got to be him when the phone rang the second time and yea, this time I could recognize his voice. But I didn't spoil it. He pretended as someone from UiTM reminding us to be punctual for the pool party tonight. I just answered "OK" with my very sleepy tone and hanged up. And wondered if Jun Hoe'd join in their prank, which is no prank to me. I was seriously disturbed by that time and I started to feel the throbbing in my head. No. Jun Hoe didn't do this, as I expected. He is mature enough I guess. During the pool party only he told me I was pranked twice.

Around 8pm, only I reluctantly dragged myself up to change. I was eager to meet other participants, at first. I was really looking foward to socialise with them. But due to disturbed sleep, I wasn't in the mood anymore. Yet I still tried to enjoy the party. It was my first ever pool party too, and everyone was gay(happy) there, I knew keeping a straight face would do me no good. Honestly, I quite enjoyed the party too, talked to several people, exchanged names with new people and shook hand with some charming guys :-) Jerry complemented that I did a fairly good job as PR for UKM team, ha. We stayed at the party until 11pm + before we decided to call it a night after we have prep talk in my room.

On 3rd July, we had briefing for debaters and adjudicators, and also a test for adjudicators. The test was quite OK for me. After the test, we went back and Jerry attended the AIDA meeting as UKM representative. At night, we attended the official opening ceremony for this tournament and watched the puppet shadow show (wayang kulit) for the first time. The music and culture were there, but because they wanted to use English in the show, I found it quite annoying because one couldn't really appreciate the usual language they use, Bahasa Malaysia. Jun Hoe agreed that they could have use BM in the show and at the same time, add the subtitle on the screen. But, well, maybe even the UiTM didn't know what plot they wanted to play.

On 4th July, the third day, only the debating rounds started. It wasn't a pleasant day, because after the first round, we waited for very long before Hafiedz came in to tell us that there was a "bug" in the tab system and hence they had to do all the tab manually. Great. Manually. Finally, the second round, and then the third round, which started at 9pm if not mistaken. The team had 2-1 after the 3 rounds. As for me, I think I was climbing up the ladder slowly for the first day. For the first round, my name wasn't there on the tab, hence they put me as a traineee with Hafiedz so he can evaluate me personally, I guessed. Sek Kuan was a panelist during the first round. Hafeidz, the Chief Adjudicator (CA), of course will be placed in a room where good debate could be expected. I was really pressurred during my first round because it wasn't an easy round and yet if I didn't do good, i'd be placed in boring room for the next round, or worse, remained as a trainee. I couldn't believe my eyes when I couldn't find my name on the tab during the first round, I really couldn't believe they'd put me as a trainee because as the DCA discussed the adjudicator test with us, I was relieved because I did answer them correctly according to their answers. But never mind, I think God place me as a trainee during the first round was to humble myself before I thought I am wise in my own eyes. For both the second and third round, however, I was a Chair with panelists! And also in better room with better speakers. I was contended.

On 5th July, we only had 2 rounds of debate, thank God! The "manual" tab system was really driving everyone mad with long waiting hours. Between the rounds, there was a women's forum. Pretty boring to me. Sometimes I think women asked for too much though..It's good we fight for equal rights to education and voting and be respected in previously decades, but affirmative action for 1/3 of top debating teams from a particular institution must be female and "lack of experience" must not be used as an excuse to be excepted from any punishment was not a thing I agree, when you take into consideration of insufficient funding from your institution and result from the tournament is a must when return, then that's different story from fighting for equal rights. This day I didn't really enjoy my adjudication. The first room was good, I didn't even mind to be a panelist to be in that room. But the second room was quite disappointing, slightly below average, and I was a panelist in that room. I wonder how did my Chair grade me in previous round. That night, we attended a semi-formal dinner with women's debate session. I didn't really enjoy the dinner because the dinner was served late ( I hate late dinner ) and..someone wasn't there. The team had 2-1, total 3-2.

On 6th July, final 3 rounds with the final two rounds as silent rounds. These two silent round contributed partly to our disaster which I'll explain here later. The team was 4-2 before the silent round. As for the silent rounds, they think they did fairly well, with slightly more confident in the last (8th) round. As for me, I was still a panelist for the first round of the day, some more in a thrashing round! I really wonder what's the problem with them! However, I was placed as a Chair with panelist in an average room for the second round because the original Chair for the room wasn't around during the adjudicator role call. Fine. But for the 8th round, I was placed as a SINGLE CHAIR! Now it didn't matter which room I was in, as long as this spell " Only me can make the decision for this room! " I hope so, ha. And the team was glad for me. Jun Hoe actually tapped my back like a proud father, ha! That night, we have our Break Night Dinner at Sunway Lagoon. The place setting was superb, but I didn't really enjoy it because I always hate late dinner. I am not exagerating when I say our dinner was served late. Or you prefer to call it morning? because I had my dinner at 12 mid night, with tea served around 7pm + . I was so tired after the 3 rounds and long waiting hours in between that I could just skip dinner and doze off on bed before I forced myself to shower and change for the dinner. As the result announced, we noticed that we didn't break for both debater and adjudicator categories. Suppose they got 4-4 and missed the break. I was too tired and numbed to feel the sadness. But I knew both Salwa and Jun Hoe were very sad ( of course! ), Jerry wasn't there for the dinner. He's sick. They started to talk about the two silent rounds. They were pretty sure they should have won the 8th round and make them 5-3 to be eligible to break into semi for English as Second Language (ESL) category. Hence they decided to consult their adjudicator for that round before referring the adjudication core.

On 7th July, Jerry and I attended the AIDA council meeting together. Again, its's a boring meeting, though I get to talk to a chraming guy from Monash University from Australia name Victor who studies music and now taking trumpet as his instrument. Interesting. We also voted for the institution who bid to organise Australs the next year. Ate Neo University from Philipine won the bid over Monash University. Surely Victor was sad. I tried to talk to Tim ( one of our DCA from Monash) about the result of the breaking teams but he said it's not the right time to talk about it yet for we were still in the meeting. That night we had beach party (at night? yea..) served with satay. It's quite a relaxing day though, with humour round to entertain us and later kicking water towards each other at the man-made beach. I miss the feeling of beach under my sole like during my childhood but I still can't buy the idea of man-made beach. Only a part of the beach is with sand you see. But overall, I did enjoy my night. Because someone was there to laugh at our secret joke about this dispropotionate handsome guy with me. Still, the urgency to meet the related adjudicator hasn't hit us.

On 8th July, as planned, we had our main stream octo final before ESL semi and later, main strean quarter final. We managed to meet the adjuds for their silent rounds before the ESL started and got the adj core especially hafeidz panic. They knew something had gone wrong yet none of them wanted to stop the round before the conflict was solved. The adjud for the 8th round told us very firmly that she gave the win to us, hence making us undoubtly 5-3, yet Lucia (anoher DCA) told us that after going through the score sheets, we were proven 4-4. Later as they went through it again, they realised that it's the chair for the 3rd round wrote the wrong winnig team in her score sheet although she gave the correct score for both teams in that very round. Hafiedz had kicked the chair out from breaking into semi due to this mistake of hers, but nothing can compensate back our chance of standing a chance for the ESL. Hafiedz even blamed that it was US who were too late in telling him this mistake. EXCUSE ME? Who got their tab system entered by bug at the first palce? Who didn't check the score sheet before entering the scores at the first place? Who was too PROUD to acknowledge his own mistake to stop the ESL semi final from proceeding when by right he KNEW there was a conflict at hand and by making things on hold can actually cover your mistake better since no harm done? It's even heartaching to see the undeserve team to enter the final round, which they did. I really regreted as Hafeidz said that we were too late to discover this mistake for I did mention to Tim about discussing the result of the breaking teams with him. I should've insisted on this issue after the meeting. I was too eager to head back our rooms after the meeting. God knows why. I told Jun Hoe honestly about this. I really felt strongly for the team for this conflict. Sad when they announced that they didn't break, panic when we sensed the mistake was not a simple mistake, frustrated when at the end, there's nothing we could do as the ESL had started.It's my first time to cry in a guy's arms like this. Thanks Jun Hoe. It should in stead be me comforting you guys for this. I wasn't even the one debating. Well, hafeidz also promised to write a letter of acknowledgement of our -supposedly- break and announce the new ranking, if not public apology. Don't try to deny, Hafiedz, you have 4 witnesses who heard this. It's still acceptable if you say this things just slipped your mind, -if- you are humble enough.

He did none even until the prize giving ceremony, which was the last formal function of this tournament. Jun Hoe asked us to look for Hafeidz for his "announcement on new ranking" before he got away. I was the one who went to ask for "public apology", which of course he has no balls, oops, I mean no guts, to acknowledge it. He then said that if we want public apology or anything, we could've told him earlier so that he can arrange it into the schedule for the night. Moron. A wise person who's done a mistake should know how to apologise or at least, to handle this without us telling or reminding him that he -needs- to do such thing, and not sweeping it under the carpet. Let's just forgive him for not being clever enough to know how to spell "wise", our Chief Adjudicator from UiTM.

After that, Hafeidz demanded to talk to Jun Hoe. He accused Jun Hoe for letting us to "humiliate" him in front of others. EXCUSE ME again! I bet no one notice what had happened around him when Salwa and I walked up to him before the crowd scattered. They were either too joyful or frustrated for the result of grand final or too busy discussing with each other about the debate itself than paying this CA who made them wait for hours between rounds any attention. Jun Hoe was very angry as Hafiedz walked away after saying such nasty things to him. It was my first time to see him in such anger, because he used the word F*** for the first time ever in front of us. I was very upset as I saw him like this. I wished I could share the burden on his shoulder and take away the anger in his heart. I kept praying "Lord, please, not on Jun Hoe, he's the nicest guy I ever seen, please don't do this to him..May You calm his heart and lift the burden on his shoulder, let me carry them instead, Lord, let me share his burden.." Soon enough, we got a message from Ai Huey, telling us that Hafeidz sent her a message telling us off as being rude to him " to ask for public apology from him" ( yea, it's rude when you know that someone's too proud to apology) and he will write a letter to our UKM deputy vice cansellor to complain about this. Good, now no more letter of acknowledgement but letter of complain. Thanks, Cher Linn. I felt so stupid.

After everything considered cooled down, Alia decided for us to have a coffee at starbuck when Salwa and Jun Hoe decided to look for AIDA council's new president to settle this matter. By the time they were back in Statbuck, everyone was quite settled and sane. They'll talk to En.Haikal or whoever admin the next day. Alia and Fea left to take Alia's car from her house to fectch us back before we held our last prep talk. I kept scolding myself (in my heart) for being stupid ever since I was in Starbuck. And I threw this out during our last prep-talk. I felt so bad, to be stupid and get the entire UKM english debating team pay for this cost (wait till they get the letter) plus, to see someone being so worn out after this issue is heartaching.

After this, Alia sent me back KTSN before sending them back hotel and hence the end of my first time ever international debate tournament experience.

I believe there is a purpose behind all these commotion. I have gained quite a lot by merely adjudicating, not to mention *ahem* the times I met with charming guys across the region. Also, the time we spent together as UKM contingent, small yet close. I cherish every moment as a psrt of journey in life. This tournament has made me grown up whether I like it or not, to look at the ugly sides of human beings, at how they can treat everyone nice in front and treat some badly secretly. Also to see how a team can reach final when by right they were not even deserve to break into semifinal at the first place. Learnt to deal with people who love smoking and drinking so much and bear with them. Learnt to look at my own feelings and experience how emotions can roar. Learnt to confess to my true self that this time, I really fall hard into someone and at how I can taste the sweetness when he was just merely present there and appreciated him so much that he need not do anyhthing purposely to draw me to him. I shall write no more, even though I never expect he'd read my blog anyway.

"Why do I need to look around, when the special someone is just sittng next to me?" was the sentence pop up in my mind when he ask me if I've noticed any cute guys during the tournament. Yes, that's the reason why I kept telling him about the disproportionate guy whom he claimed to be "quite good looking". Checking out a guy is a very superficial thing. I however, wish to know him more, and that's it. No need cute guys. He is cute enough for me, with his baby face, yet mature enough with the way he stood up for us and took up the responsibility to lead the team, and reliable enough to know we are safe whenever he's around.

Monday, July 09, 2007

stop it! the butterfly in my stomach!!

Oh man, i really dislike this kind of feeling keeps occupying my heart. It causes confusion and restlessness whether or not you think about it.

My crush towards the special someone has -grown-. Sad thing is, i know that we are going no where, it's only me in this dilemma. BAD thing is, i don't know whether he knows about it or not or -maybe- he has sensed something fishy..

what i know is, when he's in normal mood, he can always make me laugh just by showing his innocent face and innocent(not childish!) way of expressing his opinion. when he's sad or frustrated, my heart gets tightened and so wish to share his burden and emotion in side. -AND- when he's around, i always know that i can count on him, despite the fact that he keeps thinking himself as low credibility. and this person is no longer Albert.

sigh sigh.. got to go to class now.

by the way, a lot of things happened during australs, i wish i could post it first, but apparently it needs more time to structure my thoughts. later then.