13

UiTM Women's IV

I took a day off from work for it. It's been a long time I haven't seen Khairun in the debating scene. This time she came back as CA for this tournament. I actually liked most of the motions in this tournament - which only consisted of 4 prelims, semi and final. I don't quite like the motion for semi though, maybe because most of us don't have much understanding about that particular person, and the debate I adjudicated in were slightly below average. And I haven't known the motion for final round as I left UiTM for Xu Vin's birthday celebration dinner at KLCC right after semi.

On Fri and Sat night, in our hotel room, I gave massages to my girls, one by one :) I like giving massages because I like it when people feel good after my "service". I am not a pro. But that's the best I can give. Massage is good way for team bonding, or strength relationship.

On Sat night, the girls asked me to write a message for each of them on their book. That's very sweet of them. These girls are very precious to me. Each of them. I am glad that I get to know them and spend time with them.

Breakaway. Kejap.

Came back from adjudication for a round of friendly debate in IMU today. And... it's an enjoyable evening! I finish my one-week quota of laughter in one evening. In one car ride, actually. I was not the one driving. Hence I appreciate the traffic jam (which made it looked as if EVERYONE is heading to KTSN for no apparent reason) which prolonged the time I had for a heart lightening conversation. It felt great to be able to share everything with someone whom I know is not going to judge me for whatever I trust him with.

And I met Mar-Jie!!!12 Miss your smile, darling!

OK, THESIS!!!!!12

Reconsider

One hardly knows how much his words can move mountains. Needless to know the reasons behind a decision, but by mere questions one instills doubt on the decision which was thought to be firmly made. He just has the flair to do so. It could be the other's nature of indecissiveness. Or maybe she is known to have the softest heart to be exploited. Of course, one didn't mean to insist that things go his way, nor did he want to use his authority to exploit. Yet, decision's sent back to be reconsidered, without judgement.

The thought of changing priority. To finally put oneself ahead of others in the list. To let go and focus on things at hand, on dreams ahead. She thought she's made up her mind, and things have laid out according to her plan, too. Changing the plan is like risking the probability to achieve her goals for which plans had been made and carried out at the first place. For the people whom she has the largest soft spot for.

Indecisive? Because she loves them too much.

Love them so much that she changed her mind and willing to take the risk. For one last time.

Love Hurts

It's scary even if just to wonder if you meant a lot to someone who means a lot to you. For all the things I did, now I wonder if it's worth while. It's easy to say as long as they're happy and I did it with a cheerful heart, any other things doesn't matter anymore. When dilemma sinks in, I wonder if I keep sacrificing in such a manner is needed at the first place. 

Since last semester break, something happened to me and I yet to forget it. I hope I'm doing the right thing. And I wonder if it's time for me to let go now. Letting go of the responsibility, leaving the bunch of people whom I love dearly, for another group of people whom I equally cherish, but realise it at too late a time.

I wanted to go to Setapak for moon cake festival and birthday celebration with my coursemates this Saturday. But I have a debate training which I've promised to attend, and also to bring along KTSN juniors there. Sounds like they need more senior to attend - well, Dev said it's compulsory for all seniors anyway. And sounds like in Setapak it's ok without me attending it even if that very day is my birthday and probably the last chance for us all to have such a celebration together. The last time we have such a celebration with every coursemates was during my first year when all of my batch were staying in the hostel. Now most of them have moved out, and it's also my final year here. Shouldn't I spend more time with them in Setapak?

All these while I've put debate in the first place without much dilemma or hesitation. And I missed a lot of events. I never regretted it. Yet now I am thinking twice. They mean a lot to me, but am I to them? Will they know what have I given up to be with them?

Smile, Cher Linn, even if love hurts.

I'm just amazed that I found someone who helplessly has no whatsoever freaking sense of direction and are afraid of leeches to death. Oh, he dislikes smokers and not into watching football game, too! *High five*

Let's go have coffee.

Well done for KTSN juniors debating team who went through all the prelims and made this year's VC Cup a KTSN final! We're so going to make it a humor round :-) Ok, I mean, hang out at McD or maybe a movie together. What do you think, babies?

I always love you all =)

I'll Always Be There

For some reason, other people can easily say they're busy and cannot make it for a certain event, believing it's still alright because the one who's always there will always be there.

I can never say "I quit!", can I?

And if you want some other people to understand that everyone is as busy as they do and should work together to lift the burden together, they'll say that you're a dictator because you never try to understand their situation. What? Oh, no, they never have to understand that you are busy too. They never need to know that your thesis proposal is next week and your supervisor has flewn back Iraq at this critical moment. All they need to know is that you are informed about their inconveniences and make sure that you understand their situation.

Hence when the work for 10 people is accumulated onto only 3 people's shoulder, this will chase people away even faster than a dictator's pressure. But they'll say they don't want to commit because the leader is a dictator at the first place. So from time to time, the so-called dictator has to plea for the other people to come back to help, by right it's their responsibility to help up with the team at the first place. After all the skills you taught them, all the time spent to get them the most comfortable training venue and bus ride to Bangi, help them to give excuses when they cannot make it for a certain event, paid RM50 from your own pocket for their accommodation during their VC Cup Debate Tournament yet remain silent about it until now... they still have all the excuses to leave and come back to the team as they like because you are a dictator who never understand that not everyone is as free as you do.

I'm nearly exhausted, but am tired of the never-grow-up babies already.

My Greatest Weakness?

I did a several psychological tests on Facebook for fun but I found this particular one is quite shockingly true. My greatest weakness shall be:

Your Heart:

You're an overall strong person who has very few fears. People may even see you as very fierce, but your weakness is your heart. Unfortunately, this shows up at inopportune times, such as in a crowded movie theater during a touching scene or at your child's graduation ceremony. You cry at weddings, funerals, baptisms, birthdays, and yes, even at telephone company commercials. If you're a woman, this is overlooked. If you're a man, other men don't understand, but who cares? Women love it!

Maybe I'll post up other results later. You guys are the one to decide if it's truely reflecting me =)

A post on KTSNdebaters's yahoogroup from me dated 18th Feb 08

Hello everyone,

I believe everyone has pretty hectic schedule these days and coming weeks before final exams' shadow begins to loom in again. Academic duties aside, commitment has been given to respective clubs and college activities.

KTSN debaters have not an established club or recognised independence body. Hence, no report is needed whenever we have meeting or training, no annual audit and treasurer reports and etc. Also, we don't have to take attendence for every meeting and training, which, come to think of it, now serves as a double-edged sword for our team.

We have the reason not to be aware of the trainings and announcement simply because some of us don't have "free" internet access to such information. We have the reason not replying to mails asking if you're available for trainings and tournament. Ever wonder how the debaters before you keep themselves well-informed of the team's progress?

We have the reason for others to personally sms us then only we'd reply "not sure" or "not going" without much explanation of the reason behind, provided they would reply. We simply don't feel the responsibility to be present irregards if a lot or very little people are attending the event. Hence we don't feel the responsibility to inform others why we are absent.

Debating training has become something we can "choose" to attend or otherwise, rather than the usual idea of being a member means you have the responsibility to attend any sorts of meetings and oblige to commit to any events organised by the team. It is very saddening to hear someone told me that "If the training is in KTSN, 'maybe' I'll attend.". I never thought of this can be a reason for not attending trainings. If you can make it to travel to Bangi and come back before curfew, then should the time spent travelling be an excuse for our absent? Well, unless you have exams coming up, such excuse is difficult for me to accept. Of course travelling (especially on KTM) is very tiring, not to mention we travel at our own expences.

But we have to sacrifice something in order to gain something. We can't always expect Bangi debaters to come over here. They've come over here for the second last training, see. We have become selfish whenever we want people to do things in our way or in ways which suit us best, give us the most convenient and etc. We didn't help up with organising the training and yet we expect people to serve us? I don't think someone selfish should stay in any team, such as a debating team, which teamwork is the essence of success for it.

It could be too harsh a rebuke for us to accept. One may think "for all the things I've done for the team, you call us 'selfish'?". Please, it's time to wake up. As we grow older, more and more responsibilities are rested on our shoulders, it's up to us to take it up or put it down. There are more things to learn to handle and give the seniors a hand in organising the team. We are no longer the baby we used to be. We were pampered. It's time we pamper the rest of the team and serve others, give others ocnveniences, willing to sacrifice for the love of the team and have a generous heart to forgive each other if there's any misconduct. Last but not least, loyal enough to stick with each other through good times and bad times, just like a family would do.

I wish so much for our team to grow together - matter, manner and method wise, in becoming a real, professional debater. And I'd be the proudest to watch you guys beating the other teams flat, be the icon in debating scene and etc. If only you guys could wake up from the dream, the dream will come true.

Love,
Cher Linn

Taken Granted

Many a times we have taken a certain things for granted. Of course, most of the time, we didn't mean it. Something, or someone are actually very important to us. Its existence serves a lot of purposes, his or her company means a lot to us. But because it is given to us abundantly, soon enough, we have forgotten to treasure it. Because he or she has no intention to ask anything for return, token of appreciation is thought to be redundant.

As we continue to ask for even more from that party, we never feel guilty about it. Because it is omnipresent, because he or she is always available (or will do everything to make himself/herself available), higher expectation is put on them - and they never give a sigh about the growing demand.

Yet, underneath, the strength is weaken, the spirit is demotivated, and the passion is fading. The seed of doubt is germinating - is what he/she do all this while worth while or needed by the receivers? The journey ahead soon fills with hesitation.

Showing appreciation isn't something difficult to do, especially if the contributor doesn't expect it. But it is not unimportant. In fact, it is the other way round - appreciation boosts a person's drive to work harder and to give even more, willingly.

A word of praise, a pat at the back, a smile of appreciation - do all these cost you a cent? Yet it worths a world to those who have been working hard at the back stage - unseen, presence unfelt. Should you have eyes to see, ears to hear, and heart to feel, you can experience the cry of longing from the tired soul.

Nonetheless, the problem still lies in where people are too blind to see and too deaf to hear the yearning. They are always busy with something more urgent, more important, more fragile. It's not that they don't want to show appreciation, they are just too pre-occupied. And things are taken for granted.

However the most fragile thing is the heart which gives unconditionally, the most precious thing is the kind gesture out of genuine sincerity and compassion. The same old physics theory is applicable here: we have to use the same direction and amount of force to meet or stop the counterpart. Something priceless has to be met with its priceless counterpart too. And since it is priceless, it shouldn't give us any excuse not to show appreciation.

If you realise you have to give thanks, never delay. Everytime is the best time to tell someone your appreciation. Show your respect to the things you receive everyday abundantly - love, concern, clean air and etc. And that is good enough.

KLIUC 1st Friendlies

Maybe I should thank my SPM BM tuition teacher for his dedication in making us a letter-writing machine back then. With the most flower-ish and bodek-ing vocab I could come up to get UKM drives us to KLIUC, I was overjoyed as I received the news that for only two people going there from UKM KL, they still allocate driver for us during last weekend. Before going further, KLIUC stands for Kuala Lumpur Infrastructure University College, whose first Friendly Debate Tournament was only last week, and UKM sent one team and one adjudicator (me, again) as representative.

If not mistaken, this is my second experience of leading a team to tournament, with my first during MMU Women 2007. The team comprised of Ganeshree, Darryl, Dev (whose face shall always be remembered) and Issac. The motions were quite up to date, while some were simply too open. For example, This House Believes That Ronald McDonald should Run for Presidential Election. Dr.Omar wished me good luck before that round started, Haha~ Well, it turned out wasn't very confusing, for it's a fair and understandable case, yet the Opposition didn't do well in attacking the right place of the case, and the Government wasn't that strong in arguments either.

Out of four preliminary rounds, UKM lost thrice and won only once. It sounded terrible. But what do you know, the total team score were the third highest compared to all other teams attended the tournament (around 18 teams), including those who won more often than us. HAHA! That shows UKM do have good speakers - it is just that sometimes we tend to loose for few but killing factors. Work harder, babies! Next time you guys will surely make us proud =)

Actually I was all over the moon when I finally find out the reason (not the fact) UKM "nearly" made it into final round : There's no eliminary rounds before Final. So we thought they'll choose the team base on number of winnings and then compare the total team scores. But they didn't. We were gasping in confusion and overwhelmed with shock when we stared at the screen saying UKM was the Opposition team against UiTM the Government team. That was before we explained how things suppose to run (Hey, it's their first Friendly anyway) and IIU 3 found out their adjudicator gave them the wrong scores during the last round, landing them the team with the highest total team score (so instead of second highest, we were the team with third highest total team score).

I chaired for all the rounds, maybe single panel for several, and due to conflict reason, I was given the chance to chair for the Final round!! Woohoo!! I've never break as an adjudicator, but this time, I was in the Final! Well, simply because Dr.Omar and Zamir cannot chair for both UiTM and IIU were in the Final, that's why. Anyway, it marked an important chapter or history in my debating journey. It boosted my confident in myself and it served as an encouragement for me to stay in debate.

All and all, it's an interesting and meaningful weekend, with Ganesh, Darryl (who promised to work hard to sound more manly), Dev and Issac as a team, and moral support from Fea and Jun Hoe. Believe it or not, I can always remember the good, simple time we shared in mamakstall or any other eating outlets with this bunch of people. Journey walked with them are simply memorable.

Also not forgetting to mention a very good friend of mine, Huai Ming, who allowed to let me bunk in with her during the Saturday night. We had a long chat and watched Prison Break together. It's really a wonderful weekend =)

OK, back to studies!

One Girl Show

The sound of commuter swooping past the light railway, and there was I, waiting beneath Gombak Putra Station, for RapidKL T213 to depart from the station.

Yet another experience of traveling to a university for debate tournament with route I'm not familiar with, alone. This time, I'm attending IIU League Leg3.

It was a different experience all together, for I not only traveled there alone, but participated under the name of UKM - alone, too.

"Are you debating, Cher Linn?"

"No, I'm adjudicating. =) "

"I see. Then where is the rest of your team?"

"Well, they cannot make it for this time because they have exams coming up."

"Oh, you are the only one coming from UKM?"

"Yea..."

It sounds pathethic. At some point it was. Participating in a debate tournament never crosses my mind as a one man show, or in my case, a one girl show. We always attend tournaments as a team, a big team. And we tend to stick to each other a lot and make noice. Our team is a happening, happy family team. This time, I'm doing all the talking and socialising alone, for my non-present team.

Everythig turned out well. I managed to get to know a number of new friends and engaged in more and deeper conversation with old friends, besides having a number of good laughs and lame jokes down the throat, which I doubt I have the chance to do it otherwise.

Spent a night at IIU, with Guljan from MMU Cyberjaya as roommate and enjoyed some good food from their cafeteria. IIU is a beautiful university. Wonderful architectures and breath-taking designs around campus, not to mention the strong, warm and friendly Islamic atmosphere there.

Chaired for two rounds of debate and paneled for three rounds. That's all. Fay from UiTM was kind enough to send me to Wangsa Maju Putra Station after the tournament on Sunday. That's very nice of her, despite the fact that UiTM and UKM were usually rivals in tournaments, haha =) Myabe that's already in history. Fay is still always my favourite Prime Minister, too bad she doesn't get dominated for election this time .

Begger

I couldn't believe it. I'm outraged by the fact that me, as a senior in my debating team, have to beg or plead my first year juniors to go for training. I couldn't believe it when I say sorry to Fea that my KTSN juniors cannot make it to the training today, which they promised to attend at the first place. It's not my fault they cannot go. It's not my responsibility to make sure they attend training like attend classes or lectures. It's up to their personal initiative and commitment to go for training to sharpen their skills for future tournament or just for the fun of debat and meeting those bunch of people.

When I was first year, I did not travel to UKM Bangi by myself for once, but dozens of times. Even travel by public transport alone to tournament in UITM which by that time I have never been there myself. I couldn't think of any other reason to miss training. I do have other commitment, but I let the other parties down because I felt more for debate. And I never regreted the decision.

When I was second year, I packed my stuff and prepared to stay over night there when they have training till late night. Again, I forked out my own money and travel there alone, came back alone. And I'm still looking forward to such trips. There was once I've paid RM50 for a church camp. But because of debate, I gave up that camp and went to debate training. I've lost RM50 just like that.

When I am a thrid year now, homework and studies are getting a toll on me and a lot of tournament have to be missed because I have co-curriculum on Saturday. The first years juniors, suppose to be the ones with most free time, couldn't/didn't want to attend training in Bangi with excuses I couldn't accept.

Of course, it's up to you to make decision. But I'm trully disappointed with them when they say the training is too far to go to Bangi (main campus); if it's in KTSN (our hostel) then "maybe" they will come. They are too pampered and selfish to be a debater, which works in team.

One once asked me:" Can I not go for training but go for tournament?"

*sigh..*

And that is how disappointed I am.

Debate has never been this FuN!

I just have to type this post though I know I'm running out of time for my revision for tomorrow's Haematology lab practical exam. And someone is waiting for her turn to use this public computer at my multipurpose hall in KTSN.

Yesterday I've had a wonderful time debating with my teammates, whom I shall be sticking with them for the entire tournament of Royals. Anyway, yea, since I've (only)recently started to love debate as it is rather than loving the people in the debating team (and then had crush on one of them), it's very fascinating that I learnt so much in just one day. Training for 5 rounds I think, till wee hours, again. Hopefully this time I wont fall sick again, not like last time after Tanjung Karang training when I fell sick after the humour round in the early morning.

A lot of things I have to let go, for example how great it is to have Jerry in my team last year, and start to accept my current teammates as they are. Anthony, Keat Lim and Sek Kuan will be in my team, whom I shall talk more about them in future post, maybe after Royals.

A lot of things I have to move on from, for example to accept the fact that *ahem* -him- is not going to be there for this Royals. Man, I was wondering how was I going to face him since this is the first time I meet him after I've confessed my feeling to him 2 months ago. But anyway, we sort of like took it in a mature way. When we mean it's over and the issue is closed, we can really still be friend and talk to each other as usual , just like when we were during Australs. No matter how much I'd love his presence, I have to always remind myself to cherish what I've got.

Everyone has crossed my path of life with a purpose. And I want to appreciate every arrangement God has made for me for I'm sure it's going to be the best thing for me ever. If not because of the crush (be it with anyone else in the team), I'm not going to love debate like I do now. It does take me a long time to realise the beauty of debate, but it's lucky that I hold on, that I have some reason to hold on and always go back to the team.

I think that's it for now. Hope I'll bring back good news from Royals this year =)

Royals 2007

I might have a chance to go for Royals Debate Championship in UiTM on 24th Nov 2007 till 29th Nov 2007 as not many people are available for it. Ai Huey says the selection is not done yet. Anyway, what I want to say is: I'm still interested for Royals and I'll let them to decide which way seems fit.

Though we cannot go for Worlds, but I still want to explore more in this field, both in debating and adjudicating. I'm open for everything, even being as a reserve, if they see it fair for others who went for training more often than I did. New thing I'm trying to get a grip on is: How to be a good whip (third speaker in a team). Seriously, cannot come up with new issues yet cannot be too repetitive when rebutting. It's not that easy, when you're talking about doing comparative analysis of the debate and also arguments packaging, man! I've been a first speaker(at some point, maybe some rounds in a tournament when we switched speakers' position among my teammates, ha). I've been a second speaker during Women InterVarsity Debating Tournament 2006 in UiTM Shah Alam and Pre-Australs 2006 in MMU Cyberjaya(or this is the 1st speaker) and Royals 2006 in UiTM Kuching, Sarawak. I've been an adjudicator in Australasia 2007 in UiTM Shah Alam this June and one more was during my first year, my first ever intervarsity debating tournament, also in UiTM though I've forgotten the name of the tournament, ha. I started to try out as a whip speaker during the last Tanjung Karang training. It's a great thing to learn. and I start to appreciate more and more about debate tournaments. It's not about winning or loosing, not so much about having fun with the team(though it's really a big part of my debating experience, hee hee), but it's the idea of having to learn how to express a thought with words, a higher level of communication. Also, the great ideas you get from debating which provokes one to think further: why is it wrong to do so, why we have to make a drastic change now, what AWARENESS we want to raise. All are so fascinating and I want to know more.

Thank God for the chance. I'll write more later, maybe after my exam.

For the Camp

These days I'm really choked with my studies. Next Monday I will have to hand in a complete case study answer to my case study group memnber. Also, on Monday 8am, we have a PBL session, which we all were given individual topic to search for to contribute to the discussion. We'll be evaluated individually base on our performance during the session. Great. In the mean time, lecturer notes piling up with the lab reports, and well..another dose of work is for this weekend's debate training camp. I was given a task to do research on Protectionism and Free Trade policy.

Actually when I was reading the articles I found on the net this morning (I slept at 5am), I was still wondering how I am suppose to structure all those information during my presentation. Also, how am I suppose to do the notes for them? Copy and paste? Will they think I'm too not serious with my duty? Write in my own words? But the sentences in the articles are all too good to be modified by me. I need more examples. I need further explaination from what I've got. But where else to look for it? I've tried a variety of keywords for these two issues, but most of the time, they were not what I was looking for. All and all, the main issue is: I don't really do a lot of deep-analysis reading. Newspaper doesn't talk about protectionism and free trade EVERYDAY, ok? I only knew Shinzo Abe's resigning from his post as Japanese youngest prime minister. A slow reader like me really will have indigestion problem after swallowing articles by articles. I've given up the flat world book. No time.

Half worrying my studies, half worrying my presentation during the camp, I am really under pressure. There was this moment I really thinking of giving up the camp. I thought I already told myself that I'm slowly leaving the team? Yet, either out of guilty or reluctance, I am still hanging on. Guilt because for 2 years this bunch of friends have given me the best memory of my uni life, and I am really looking forward for more, and I can't tell myself that I don't care for what they are going through now in organizing a training camp in Tanjung Karang. Not many debaters of my batch (now 3rd year) stay for the team. They really need non first-years to help up, to let the 1st years to just come and enjoy the best training camp. With this, after all the good times they gave me, how am I going to leave them when they are in need?

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.
[Proverbs 16:9]

Lord Jesus, I desperately need Your help! May You bless US in wisdom, to work as a team to organise this camp. No matter what, we're going to face the challenges together, with You as our teacher, to see Your will be done. I want to put this camp into Your mighty hand and may You make full use of the time and Your people. I also need wisdom to prepare for my presentation. May the Holy Spirit guide me in the research and presentation, to enlighten them about protectionism and free trade. Retain my salt and light for Your sake, Lord, as how You've made me and planned for me. It's time I shine for You. In Jesus' name, amen.

On letting go

I've changed the setting or template of my site, as you have noticed. That's the only thing changed, I guess.

My life now is still the always-busy kind of schedule. Classes and assignments are getting heavier, loads of activities to attend, committment in debate team, and hence, arrangements here and there. Sometimes this idea hit me: Maybe it's time I let go something...

I once told Grace, my KTSN debate junior who's suffered from depression (not mere tension) :" You have to make up your mind, make things straight, then stick to it and stay focus."

That helped me in my past experience. Now, I think it will still be usefull, but the point is, it's hard for me to make one thing straight. Expecially when you need to let go something, such as..

debate.

It's the only thing I can let go, others are all academic, which is a part of a student's role at the first place! But since the VC Cup, I've thinking of this and sometimes, still terrified by not merely the idea of me leaving my beloved UKM
English debating team, but me thinking the idea of leaving at the first place..

I love to bring juniors to debate, be it training, tournament, attending the Grand Final of the VC Cup or movie together. I really like to be with them, or even, bring them there -myself- to make sure they will arrive safe and sound. Some more this year, there are a lot of juniors interested to stay in the debating team. Of ocurse, I still have stella, Gab and Lorraine to help me. It's not that I don't trust them, but it'll be quite a big crowd sometimes. Again, not all of us can be there for them all the time, sometimes Stella went missing, sometimes Gab went missing, sometimes I myself went missing(movie with Albert)..hence, I'm afraid it might be a burden for the available trainer sometimes, when you're talking about sending them by public transport, not chauffered by UKM bus..

This Saturday we'll have 1st training session with our new junior. We have no bus to go UKM Bangi due to the convo issue where we don't have enough bus driver to fetch only us. Next Monday is the Grand Final of the VC Cup. Again, since it's still in convo week, we can't get a transport and have to resort to public transport. I can't attend both event with them, although I wish so much that I really can. Saturday, ONLY Stella will be bringing them to and fro KTSN and Bangi; Monday we'll have Gab and Lorraine to handle the babies, to and fro faculty and Bangi, both days with public transport..

What I tell myself now is: It should be OK la..

And the next thing is..to gradually pull out myself from the debating team? I really need to think seriously about it. Because of my studies, I really need to make one thing straight, and sacrifice.

It's the debating skill which will teach me how to organise idea I'm talking about here. It's the debating activity which will allow me to meet a lot of interesting people I'm talking about here. It's the debating moment which will bring me to my true friends in university I'm talking about here.

The idea really scares me. I haven't even learnt sufficient to call myself a real debater yet. Now I just started to learn to adjudicate, not even sure I've seen enough debate to know how real adjudication is like..Giving up really is not what I wish to choose.

I ask for strength to go through this. I ask for patience to wait for God to reveal His plan for me. I ask for wisdom to act. I ask for obedience to follow God's way. I ask for Jesus' accompanion in this walk. I ask for courage to face the challenge. I ask for joy as a blessing. And learn as I get closer to God. Amen

For the Cup

It's another debate tournament i took part, not as a debater but as adjudicator, again, because i was way too -old- to be qualified, ha :-)

Vice Cancellor Cup, held annually by UKM Urusetia Perucapan Umum, English debating team for the purpose of recruiting new members. Hence, it's only opened for all first year juniors in UKM. Non-first years members were to come together to organise the tournament and adjudicate during the tournament itself.

Problem we faced (KTSN team):
1. Hunting KTSN team members&training:
(a) place to hold training - We had less problem in looking for juniors to join debate this year due to the reason we managed to get the forms filled by juniors themselves during orientation week from JAKSA in which they ticked which category of activity they'd like to take part. We contacted those who ticked "English Debate" and asked them to turn up on 19th July 2007 in our first meeting. The plus point here is, there were 17 of them turned up! we really didn't expect such a crowd. We only planned to do it in Cafe. Half way through the meeting, we decided it's too difficult for us to speak through such a crowd in a noisy environment in cafe. But we had no where else to go, other meeting rooms were booked, or we didn't book because we really didn't think it's necessary at the first place, ha. I heard KTSN is in fact, the biggest college (hostel) compared to colleges in Bangi. Maybe because we have our own volley ball court, basketball court, squash toom, tennis court, multipurpose hall... but meeting rooms are really lacking, moreover with the fact that KTSN is a happening college. People with different activities have their meeting every night, students occupying areas to draw posters, banners, do flyers, held discussions..

Anyway, we changed to squash room to continue our discussion, with taekwando members practising their skills in the next squash room. taekwando in squash room? yeah, no place..

For the coming trainings, we managed to do it in TV area near one of the block and sometimes if we successfully get a meeting room, we did it in a more comfortable environment. No training in volleyball court this year :-) Thank God, venue problem was fine.

(b)people to conduct training- this year the tournament was held a little too soon, honestly. We didn't really have time to let them grasp basic principles in university level debate. We were forced to have training every night after the Saturday (21st July 2007) briefing in Bangi. This actually showed the committment the juniors gave even more. They tried to turn up for every possible training so that they get sufficient guidance before the tournament. We knew how busy everyone was, assignmets and revision to complete, but I sincerely salute them for their effort. It's however, the trainers who couldn't quite make it. During some of the trainings, some trainers were not around, we couldn't run two rooms together with only me handling them. Maybe 5 or 4 teams were too much for us? Yet we couldn't let go any of them. As long as they have interest in debate, we really want to keep them. Still, we manage to go through that week.

(c)team cap
Usually tournament will have team caps in order to limit the number of teams an institution could send so that they don't somehow "flood" the tournament. Last year the team cap was 3. They said if we wanted to send more than 3 teams and some other colleges couldn't make it to 3, we can somehow use their "credit", so sending more than 3 was ok. Last year, we sent 3 teams, didn't exceed the cap, yet due to the situation needed a swing team, we, as the college sending most team and had 3 available reserves to make a new(swing) team, we were "forced" to exceed the cap.

This year, when Gab told them that we'll be sending 5 teams (initially), they said they'll have to cap us. Maybe send 3 functional teams(teams which are eligible to break if they got good scores) and 1 swing team which couldn't break into quarter regardless of their result. They suggested : good speakers put into first 3 teams then weaker speakers into swing team, hence, it -won't- make such an impact because the swing team may not be able to break anyway. Ideally, that's logic; honestly, that's true. Practically, that's hard. Reasons as below:

* Speakers by position was not beautifully balanced among the juniors. We have a lot of good 3rd speakers this year. They were all equally good, some even took up pace in improvement! We couldn't decide who was the 'weaker" one. No matter which team we put them, we see a chance for them to be a strong team. Then when we put in other speakers according to their position, we also looked at their chemistry with each other as well as other factors. Lastly, labelling the team. We didn't want to make it seemed like KTSN1 was the strongest team and weaker down the number. We..simply put a number. There were a lot of factors that made us really difficult to follow their suggestion. Will the Bangi people actually understand what we've been through? Will they ever face such a problem as how to allocate the team members, how to observe who was best in which position (mind you, 14 juniors to observe!) and etc..

We knew that's a lot, but we were trying to get as many people as possible to join debate! At the very fist meeting with the juniors we already told them firmly that we'll send everyone there. I was lucky to have Stella, Gab, Lorraine, Izzati, Thompson and Bernard to help me with the training. I knew I couldn't have made it without them.

Jerry said in his sms: As a senior debater, you should take this tournament as an opportunity to recruit as many junior debater as possible, not to make KSTN win and then let the juniors disappear after the tournament.

That's hurt.

1st, we WERE trying to resruit as many junior as possible for UKM debating team, not for KTSN! KTSN doesn't even have a person in the committee for UPU English debate team. If not, we could just take the easy way out, send only 1 team and both Stella and I could've concentrated on that 1 "best" team and feed them issues and points, this way could assure more winnings, OK? And less troublesome too, venue issue will never be an issue anymore then.

2nd, what's the problem if KTSN won? All trainers from all colleges wished their juniors will do good in the tournament, and when you see improvement from the juniors themselves, i couldn't help but wished they could make it to the final and bring back the cup. It's good if they can win, isn't it?

3rd. How could Jerry assume that ALL KTSN juniors will disappear after the tournament? In fact, they are the most -early registered- members among the other juniors into our ukmdebaters yahoogroup and have introduced themselves to the seniors.

4th how could he said that I send so many teams was to make KTSN win? I trained them to polish them. I did wish they could win, but I also want them to enjoy debate and experience the close bonding we could have by joining debate, just like what i've experienced. i wanted them to know that university is not all about academic, is not how good you can explain to me the etiology of myocardia infarction, but there are more. You will see things happened and learn to share, learn to love, learn to stand up for each other, learn to make fun of each other and later go out for movie with each other. I was the only one from my batch left, and in Stella's year, also not a lot stayed. KTSN english debaters has been a pretty lonely team. Sometimes travel alone to training, sometimes felt that Bangi people don't understand us... I was just thrilled to see such a big crowd of juniors to join the VC Cup this year.

And all i have to tell them was: because this team is the weakest team hence we make you the swing team and no matter how good or bad you do in the prelims, you're not going to break into quarter anyway.. There was one moment i felt like pulling out the entire KTSN team from the tournament so that there's no "unfairness" in it.

I talked to Jun Hoe about this. I wasn't pushing him to act on our behalf, i never will. It's just that I trust him will tell me the honest opinion on Bangi side in a better manner and also listen to me without judging me. He's always the best person to talk to, let aside he's more responsive in the sense that he will reply your message no matter how trivial it may seem. I don't need him to stand at our side either, i just need to hear things in a fair manner. Things comming from him, meng fai, and wey wen are always much easy to accept. That's why i will always listen to them.

To cut things short, Violet the convenor said there'll be no team cap and no limits on teams per college in breaking.

2. communication problem with Bangi people - this was, however, the biggest test for me. It's so different from last year. It was the same tournament, same task for me, to hunt down juniors, to organize and train them. Yet i think God wanted me to learn different thing this year. I had Gab to arrange training venues for us, Stella to take turn with me to train them, Lorraine and Izzati to care for the bunch of juniors for me. Now i'm more a trainer than last year. I thought we were doing fine in training juniors for the tournament.

(a)last minute changes in time
* Saturday briefing - At first when Stella applied for transport, we were told that the briefing would start at 9am, hence we applied for 8am bus to depart from KTSN to UKM Bangi. On friday, the day (or night) before the briefing then only we knew that the briefing would start at 10am. Moreover it's not them who inform us, it's we asking confirmation from them then only they told us. We were taken aback by the change. But what to do? We've told the driver to come at 8am. No choice, we got to waste an hour there waiting for Bangi people.

Since then this scarry idea hit me: sometimes Bangi friends think it's easy for us to travel.. i know they had no choice but to delay the briefing due to Bangi juniors have co-co, but Jerry already made exemption letter for us already wasn't he? Why do they still need to attend co-co? we at KTSN here also wish to attend co-co to make it less troublesome to hand in the exemption letter later.

*weekend prelims
it was suppose to start at 9am, as told by fea to stella. hence, we applied 8am. At first,we were told that we might not be able to get a bus because we don't have enough driver. That's crazy, man! This is the real tournament already, we really didn't want our juniors to reach there by public transport and got themselves tired of traveling even before the debate started. Worrying this issue aside, we still hadto show positive faces in our training every night. Later, the matter resolved as we followed up on friday if not mistaken, a day before the debate, and got to know that yea, we did manage to get a bus on saturday, 8am. Thank God!

Yet again, things happended. It's changed to 8am, hence, we were expected to depart from KTSN by 7am. It really took stella and I a lot of guts to make the call to our driver to ask for him to come early. We're considered very lucky to get a bus, now some more want to change the time to become -earlier- in last minute, after office hour? I felt stressed. We somehow got to negotiate with them and got the driver come earlier.

(b)no accommodation?!
The bus issue was not the worst though, I really felt like throwing up when Jerry called in the evening before the event took place and said we're somehow -too late- in telling them that we wanted to stay over night at Bangi, hence they didn't apply for accommodation for the -bunch- of us. Great. Because he thought Stella was applying the transport for us to travel back and forth for both Saturday and Sunday, by right Stella said she didn't even get a chance to talk to Jerry, it was Fea whom she talked to. This was the greatest challenge I faced in which i was tested how much I love my Bangi debater friends. To which extend i'm willing to forgive them and go through this trouble with them. I couldn't take it. I started to have doubt about them, I started to judge their intention. i felt so guilty, deep down i know they wouldn't have done them purposely, yet my anger and emotion brought me further to dislike, or even hate them.

How could you expect KTSN people to travel back and forth like this? Even if we got to do so, we wouldn't! It'll be so tiring that I'm sure juniors will quit debate after the tournament. Last year i didn't need to tell any of them that we want to stay over night, they just asked for the number of boys and girls we were sending and told us straight that we're staying over night there. I thougt Jerry or other 3rd years knew how to handle things, he was in the committee last year. Fine, we took it as -maybe we've taken for granted what was arranged last year and we really need to tell them to arrange accommodation for us if we were to stay over night at their place-.

We talked to our bus driver, then talked to his boss- the officer, then he said he'll call back, but didn't..

Again, to cut things short, i just wanted to thank God for sending me to stay with Jennifer in Kolej Idris Al-Mabawi (KIAM) in Bangi during my training for Australs. I got KIAM office number and called and settled our accommodation at Bangi myself, a non-Bangi people. Oh, with Jun Hoe's help to drive me to KIAM to register and take the keys on behalf of my juniors who had started debate on Saturday. I don't think i ge to claim back the RM47.50 accommodation fee from them. Anyway, I really owe Jun Hoe a lot..

All the problems were resolved as the round started. It's good that i could concentrate in my adjudication. I really wanted to practise what i've learnt during Australs and be a good adjud in my every round. I feel i have the responsibility to guide the other juniors who were brave enough to decide to come and join debate at the first place. They deserved our guidance, didn't they?

And somehow through the torunament, I managed to change my view about my Bangi friends. They are still the adorable people I love. Things happen, it was indeed a great challenge, and I think I did quite bad in the test. Lesson? Be more understanding and always remind myself how St. Paul defined love:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." [1 Corinthians 13:4-7]

Anyway, this year KTSN managed to send 4 teams. Among them, 3 teams broke into quarter with 3 wins and 1 lost, which was better than last year where only 2 teams broke with 2-2. Another team got 2-2, but couldn't break just because of their total scores. We really felt that 3 teams were more than excellent, out of expectation already! That's why it is very risky to determine who was the weaker team, because we really know that they are potential speakers! However, only 1 team made it into the semi and lost in that round to a better team.

At the end of the day, the atmosphere is different this year, we were not making it to the final. Yet I got to observe that the team already built their bonding, not only among teammates, but also to the entire team. And I'm very proud of them as they take it as it was. Afterall, my objective has reached, to want them to enjoy each other's company, to enjoy the tournament itself. Most importantly, i see the most beautiful success we've reached, as a big, noisy team. We've won over the challenges together, as one family. I not only enjoyed their company, but also treasure what i've learnt from them. Fresh ideas, stumbling along the path of learning, humble, and crazy :-)

A round of applause for my KTSN babies!! (clap clap clap clap...) For the Cup, we've learnt and grown. And it's a great part of my debating memory in UKM.

perish

Australs

It's my first ever international tournament and it happened to be held in Malaysia by the debating society of Universiti institute Teknologi Mara (UiTM), whom I always have good impression about their capability in organizing tournaments, really. Participants came from pan-australasia region, to name a few -- China, Japan, Korea, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, California, Bangladash, Indonesia, Thailand, and Malaysia. There were more than 100 teams and 90 adjudicators took part in this tournament and we stayed in Holiday Villa Subang Resort, a 5-star hotel, from 2nd July till 9th July 2007.

On 2th July, the registration day, we arrived around 12 noon at the hotel. After filling in some forms required by the organizing committee, we hanged around to wait for checking in at 2pm as we were told. Sadly to say, ever since the first task was -delayed-. We waited 30 min and another 30 min and maybe another 1 before we got to check in to our rooms. And we WERE the lucky ones because there were people who needed to wait for even longer than us to get their rooms. At first, we got only 1 triple room for 5 people, 3 males and 2 females. Of course, I was quite surprise, how could UiTM not understand it's not a very "Malaysian" thing to mix boys and girls in a same room although we understand every word of "to cut cost". Hence, we tried to ask the committee again about this, see if there's any extra room. To cut things short, we managed to get another room, which was meant for us at the first place, just a little mixed up at the counter. Still, we undrestand very well at how things can happen at the very first day of tournament. Besides, I believe it's the hotel's problem in managing this, not the committee, because it's very usual for customers to check out around 11 am or 12 noon and hotel has around 2 hours to do housekeeping before another customer check in. Puh-lease, it's a 5-STAR hotel ok? You have 300+ customers to check in that day didn't mean that you also have 300+ customers to check out on that day per se.

After checking in, we rested in our own rooms, while waiting for the pool party at 8pm. I was pranked by Sek Kuan and Jerry who called from their room to mine and pretended to be someone else on the phone. First call was from Sek Kuan. I was already fast asleep when the phone next to me rang. I picked it up without realising he's on the line. I must have been too blurred to recognize his voice. He said someone complaint that we're too noisy in my room and asked us (salwa and I stayed together) to slow down our volume. I was shocked. "Huh..?" At the same time, I saw the TV was on, so I thought Salwa must've turned the volume a little too high when I was asleep. I knew she was watching TV before I fell asleep. Then he went on to ask us why we were there. That's a stupid question, how could a manager or receptionist ask about our private stuff like this? But yea, I was blurr enough to answer him: "debat." I know, I'm the kind of person who's easy to be tricked and naive enough to answer these question honestly. Finally, he reminded me again not to be too noisy and -for my information- there's an old man staying next door. The sense of humour just hit me and I suddenly had the feeling that it's them who made the call! But I wasn't sure, so just remained "yes, yes." and fought down the effort to laugh becuase who knows it'll be real that an old man next door was troubled by our "noisiness" by right the TV volume wasn't that high anyway and I was fast asleep.

After i hanged up, I resumed my sleep. I wasn't very please with their act because I must not be disturbed whenever I'm asleep. Sometimes if I can fall asleep again, then it'd be fine, but when I can't, that means I'm going to have headache for the rest of the night and my attention can be deviated away easily. Soon enough, Jerry called. I've guessed it got to be him when the phone rang the second time and yea, this time I could recognize his voice. But I didn't spoil it. He pretended as someone from UiTM reminding us to be punctual for the pool party tonight. I just answered "OK" with my very sleepy tone and hanged up. And wondered if Jun Hoe'd join in their prank, which is no prank to me. I was seriously disturbed by that time and I started to feel the throbbing in my head. No. Jun Hoe didn't do this, as I expected. He is mature enough I guess. During the pool party only he told me I was pranked twice.

Around 8pm, only I reluctantly dragged myself up to change. I was eager to meet other participants, at first. I was really looking foward to socialise with them. But due to disturbed sleep, I wasn't in the mood anymore. Yet I still tried to enjoy the party. It was my first ever pool party too, and everyone was gay(happy) there, I knew keeping a straight face would do me no good. Honestly, I quite enjoyed the party too, talked to several people, exchanged names with new people and shook hand with some charming guys :-) Jerry complemented that I did a fairly good job as PR for UKM team, ha. We stayed at the party until 11pm + before we decided to call it a night after we have prep talk in my room.

On 3rd July, we had briefing for debaters and adjudicators, and also a test for adjudicators. The test was quite OK for me. After the test, we went back and Jerry attended the AIDA meeting as UKM representative. At night, we attended the official opening ceremony for this tournament and watched the puppet shadow show (wayang kulit) for the first time. The music and culture were there, but because they wanted to use English in the show, I found it quite annoying because one couldn't really appreciate the usual language they use, Bahasa Malaysia. Jun Hoe agreed that they could have use BM in the show and at the same time, add the subtitle on the screen. But, well, maybe even the UiTM didn't know what plot they wanted to play.

On 4th July, the third day, only the debating rounds started. It wasn't a pleasant day, because after the first round, we waited for very long before Hafiedz came in to tell us that there was a "bug" in the tab system and hence they had to do all the tab manually. Great. Manually. Finally, the second round, and then the third round, which started at 9pm if not mistaken. The team had 2-1 after the 3 rounds. As for me, I think I was climbing up the ladder slowly for the first day. For the first round, my name wasn't there on the tab, hence they put me as a traineee with Hafiedz so he can evaluate me personally, I guessed. Sek Kuan was a panelist during the first round. Hafeidz, the Chief Adjudicator (CA), of course will be placed in a room where good debate could be expected. I was really pressurred during my first round because it wasn't an easy round and yet if I didn't do good, i'd be placed in boring room for the next round, or worse, remained as a trainee. I couldn't believe my eyes when I couldn't find my name on the tab during the first round, I really couldn't believe they'd put me as a trainee because as the DCA discussed the adjudicator test with us, I was relieved because I did answer them correctly according to their answers. But never mind, I think God place me as a trainee during the first round was to humble myself before I thought I am wise in my own eyes. For both the second and third round, however, I was a Chair with panelists! And also in better room with better speakers. I was contended.

On 5th July, we only had 2 rounds of debate, thank God! The "manual" tab system was really driving everyone mad with long waiting hours. Between the rounds, there was a women's forum. Pretty boring to me. Sometimes I think women asked for too much though..It's good we fight for equal rights to education and voting and be respected in previously decades, but affirmative action for 1/3 of top debating teams from a particular institution must be female and "lack of experience" must not be used as an excuse to be excepted from any punishment was not a thing I agree, when you take into consideration of insufficient funding from your institution and result from the tournament is a must when return, then that's different story from fighting for equal rights. This day I didn't really enjoy my adjudication. The first room was good, I didn't even mind to be a panelist to be in that room. But the second room was quite disappointing, slightly below average, and I was a panelist in that room. I wonder how did my Chair grade me in previous round. That night, we attended a semi-formal dinner with women's debate session. I didn't really enjoy the dinner because the dinner was served late ( I hate late dinner ) and..someone wasn't there. The team had 2-1, total 3-2.

On 6th July, final 3 rounds with the final two rounds as silent rounds. These two silent round contributed partly to our disaster which I'll explain here later. The team was 4-2 before the silent round. As for the silent rounds, they think they did fairly well, with slightly more confident in the last (8th) round. As for me, I was still a panelist for the first round of the day, some more in a thrashing round! I really wonder what's the problem with them! However, I was placed as a Chair with panelist in an average room for the second round because the original Chair for the room wasn't around during the adjudicator role call. Fine. But for the 8th round, I was placed as a SINGLE CHAIR! Now it didn't matter which room I was in, as long as this spell " Only me can make the decision for this room! " I hope so, ha. And the team was glad for me. Jun Hoe actually tapped my back like a proud father, ha! That night, we have our Break Night Dinner at Sunway Lagoon. The place setting was superb, but I didn't really enjoy it because I always hate late dinner. I am not exagerating when I say our dinner was served late. Or you prefer to call it morning? because I had my dinner at 12 mid night, with tea served around 7pm + . I was so tired after the 3 rounds and long waiting hours in between that I could just skip dinner and doze off on bed before I forced myself to shower and change for the dinner. As the result announced, we noticed that we didn't break for both debater and adjudicator categories. Suppose they got 4-4 and missed the break. I was too tired and numbed to feel the sadness. But I knew both Salwa and Jun Hoe were very sad ( of course! ), Jerry wasn't there for the dinner. He's sick. They started to talk about the two silent rounds. They were pretty sure they should have won the 8th round and make them 5-3 to be eligible to break into semi for English as Second Language (ESL) category. Hence they decided to consult their adjudicator for that round before referring the adjudication core.

On 7th July, Jerry and I attended the AIDA council meeting together. Again, its's a boring meeting, though I get to talk to a chraming guy from Monash University from Australia name Victor who studies music and now taking trumpet as his instrument. Interesting. We also voted for the institution who bid to organise Australs the next year. Ate Neo University from Philipine won the bid over Monash University. Surely Victor was sad. I tried to talk to Tim ( one of our DCA from Monash) about the result of the breaking teams but he said it's not the right time to talk about it yet for we were still in the meeting. That night we had beach party (at night? yea..) served with satay. It's quite a relaxing day though, with humour round to entertain us and later kicking water towards each other at the man-made beach. I miss the feeling of beach under my sole like during my childhood but I still can't buy the idea of man-made beach. Only a part of the beach is with sand you see. But overall, I did enjoy my night. Because someone was there to laugh at our secret joke about this dispropotionate handsome guy with me. Still, the urgency to meet the related adjudicator hasn't hit us.

On 8th July, as planned, we had our main stream octo final before ESL semi and later, main strean quarter final. We managed to meet the adjuds for their silent rounds before the ESL started and got the adj core especially hafeidz panic. They knew something had gone wrong yet none of them wanted to stop the round before the conflict was solved. The adjud for the 8th round told us very firmly that she gave the win to us, hence making us undoubtly 5-3, yet Lucia (anoher DCA) told us that after going through the score sheets, we were proven 4-4. Later as they went through it again, they realised that it's the chair for the 3rd round wrote the wrong winnig team in her score sheet although she gave the correct score for both teams in that very round. Hafiedz had kicked the chair out from breaking into semi due to this mistake of hers, but nothing can compensate back our chance of standing a chance for the ESL. Hafiedz even blamed that it was US who were too late in telling him this mistake. EXCUSE ME? Who got their tab system entered by bug at the first palce? Who didn't check the score sheet before entering the scores at the first place? Who was too PROUD to acknowledge his own mistake to stop the ESL semi final from proceeding when by right he KNEW there was a conflict at hand and by making things on hold can actually cover your mistake better since no harm done? It's even heartaching to see the undeserve team to enter the final round, which they did. I really regreted as Hafeidz said that we were too late to discover this mistake for I did mention to Tim about discussing the result of the breaking teams with him. I should've insisted on this issue after the meeting. I was too eager to head back our rooms after the meeting. God knows why. I told Jun Hoe honestly about this. I really felt strongly for the team for this conflict. Sad when they announced that they didn't break, panic when we sensed the mistake was not a simple mistake, frustrated when at the end, there's nothing we could do as the ESL had started.It's my first time to cry in a guy's arms like this. Thanks Jun Hoe. It should in stead be me comforting you guys for this. I wasn't even the one debating. Well, hafeidz also promised to write a letter of acknowledgement of our -supposedly- break and announce the new ranking, if not public apology. Don't try to deny, Hafiedz, you have 4 witnesses who heard this. It's still acceptable if you say this things just slipped your mind, -if- you are humble enough.

He did none even until the prize giving ceremony, which was the last formal function of this tournament. Jun Hoe asked us to look for Hafeidz for his "announcement on new ranking" before he got away. I was the one who went to ask for "public apology", which of course he has no balls, oops, I mean no guts, to acknowledge it. He then said that if we want public apology or anything, we could've told him earlier so that he can arrange it into the schedule for the night. Moron. A wise person who's done a mistake should know how to apologise or at least, to handle this without us telling or reminding him that he -needs- to do such thing, and not sweeping it under the carpet. Let's just forgive him for not being clever enough to know how to spell "wise", our Chief Adjudicator from UiTM.

After that, Hafeidz demanded to talk to Jun Hoe. He accused Jun Hoe for letting us to "humiliate" him in front of others. EXCUSE ME again! I bet no one notice what had happened around him when Salwa and I walked up to him before the crowd scattered. They were either too joyful or frustrated for the result of grand final or too busy discussing with each other about the debate itself than paying this CA who made them wait for hours between rounds any attention. Jun Hoe was very angry as Hafiedz walked away after saying such nasty things to him. It was my first time to see him in such anger, because he used the word F*** for the first time ever in front of us. I was very upset as I saw him like this. I wished I could share the burden on his shoulder and take away the anger in his heart. I kept praying "Lord, please, not on Jun Hoe, he's the nicest guy I ever seen, please don't do this to him..May You calm his heart and lift the burden on his shoulder, let me carry them instead, Lord, let me share his burden.." Soon enough, we got a message from Ai Huey, telling us that Hafeidz sent her a message telling us off as being rude to him " to ask for public apology from him" ( yea, it's rude when you know that someone's too proud to apology) and he will write a letter to our UKM deputy vice cansellor to complain about this. Good, now no more letter of acknowledgement but letter of complain. Thanks, Cher Linn. I felt so stupid.

After everything considered cooled down, Alia decided for us to have a coffee at starbuck when Salwa and Jun Hoe decided to look for AIDA council's new president to settle this matter. By the time they were back in Statbuck, everyone was quite settled and sane. They'll talk to En.Haikal or whoever admin the next day. Alia and Fea left to take Alia's car from her house to fectch us back before we held our last prep talk. I kept scolding myself (in my heart) for being stupid ever since I was in Starbuck. And I threw this out during our last prep-talk. I felt so bad, to be stupid and get the entire UKM english debating team pay for this cost (wait till they get the letter) plus, to see someone being so worn out after this issue is heartaching.

After this, Alia sent me back KTSN before sending them back hotel and hence the end of my first time ever international debate tournament experience.

I believe there is a purpose behind all these commotion. I have gained quite a lot by merely adjudicating, not to mention *ahem* the times I met with charming guys across the region. Also, the time we spent together as UKM contingent, small yet close. I cherish every moment as a psrt of journey in life. This tournament has made me grown up whether I like it or not, to look at the ugly sides of human beings, at how they can treat everyone nice in front and treat some badly secretly. Also to see how a team can reach final when by right they were not even deserve to break into semifinal at the first place. Learnt to deal with people who love smoking and drinking so much and bear with them. Learnt to look at my own feelings and experience how emotions can roar. Learnt to confess to my true self that this time, I really fall hard into someone and at how I can taste the sweetness when he was just merely present there and appreciated him so much that he need not do anyhthing purposely to draw me to him. I shall write no more, even though I never expect he'd read my blog anyway.

"Why do I need to look around, when the special someone is just sittng next to me?" was the sentence pop up in my mind when he ask me if I've noticed any cute guys during the tournament. Yes, that's the reason why I kept telling him about the disproportionate guy whom he claimed to be "quite good looking". Checking out a guy is a very superficial thing. I however, wish to know him more, and that's it. No need cute guys. He is cute enough for me, with his baby face, yet mature enough with the way he stood up for us and took up the responsibility to lead the team, and reliable enough to know we are safe whenever he's around.

Australs

"It is a difficult decision for us to make and the people we choose are not solely based on merits."

Jun Hoe announced in an uncomfortable manner during our recent debate training-cum-australs selection in my hostel KTSN.

"For the team, it consists of 2 seniors and 1 junior, they are me(Jun Hoe), Salwa, and Jerry; as for the adjudicator, we'll be sending Cher Linn."

Honestly, my heart gave a hard pound at my chest. Good news in one hand is I'm selected to go for Australs debate tournament which I really wish I could go and gain the experience of participating in such a big(international, mind you!) tournament, and I'm going there as an adjudicator(as i wish) instead of a debater(more pressure). Sad news on the other hand is(to me)..Stella wasn't selected. Well, the reason we could only send 4 people to such a big, merry tournament is because our university doesn't sponsor us enough to do so. Frankly speaking, Stella is a far better debater than I am, despite the fact that she is my junior in university(ok, we are of the same age). I also really admire her passion for debate and yet, accept the fact that she's not chosen as it is. I'm glad that she's looking forward to future tournaments, so at least i know I can also attend those tournament with her, hee :)

I simply like Stella's company. We share a lot of girls talk the night we slept in a same room and I think I begin to know her more. She is a normal girl with interesting personality. And as I continue to see her as she is, I'd appreciate her mere presence even more.

Oh, details about the debate tournament I mentioned above, you can check out the following website for more details: www.australs2007.com

So, I should start to work harder on my "general" knowledge in this one month's time. Ai Huey says one month is more than enough for me to prepare. Hope I can keep the fire burning within me and push myself harder for what I doubt I deserve. I'm in a position where a lot more (competent)people wish they are in. I should do better to prove my worth, and my credibility as an Australs adjudicator!

clashes

God, You rock!

well, just something to share here about God's answer to my prayer again. i know it's God's answer because it is kinda a miracle too.

Previously, my debating trainings or tournaments always clash with my church activities, services, or even my Christian Fellowship's activities, due to the fact that most people are free on weekends, that's the best time to get people to come for some trainings (i personally take tournaments as trainings). the thing is, the basic thing as a follower of Christ is to attend church. Some people may say it's not a sin if you don't attend church. But to me, attending church and listening to sermon is important, for that's when your heart is not listening attentively to God's voice in your heart, He'll put it in an audible way, cakap terang-terang and get the message across. That's why i'd try to sleep early on Saturday night and drag myself up every Sunday morning to attend church service.

The thing is, i also view debate training very important to me too. Continuous reading on issues sure help a lot, but the saying of "practice makes perfect" still proven standing. i really need a lot of practices to speak in front of my seniors to let them correct me, method and manner wise. How my speech structure is, how my facial expression and gesture are, etc. maybe one can record his or her own speech and play it back, to correct oneself, or look at the mirror while giving a speech. something are lacking here : how well you co-operate with others? how your real performance is when you are disturbed by your jumping-up-and-down opponents who want to ask POV (point of view). it's too much to work alone. i need real people to practise with. besides, i miss those people there, although i will have to travel that far to Bangi for training...

My problem is, everytime it really clashes with activities which will help me grow spiritually. every training or tournament sure clashes with those activities. i've been asking God a lot of time why these things happened, and it appeared that God continue to challenge me on which one i choose, Him or debate. i picked debate, everytime... At the same time, i also asked God's direction, because although i chose debate rather than the activities, He still showed His great mercy on me in my debating life. such as easy opponents during match-ups in Royals. there's once also during the Royal tournament, i was asking God about this same question until i came across this sentence in Bible : ..."Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For i am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because i have many people in the city." [ACTS 18:9-10]. i was doing my daily Bible reading and the instant i came to this sentence, it just struck me that it's God showing me sign. It's hard to explain, but i really felt that Jesus is talking to me with His word ( He said this to Paul. ) i kept repeating the sentence. "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking..." i told myself. Yes, God, i won't stop speaking. i'll strive harder to become a good debater. i'll make You proud and i want to proove that You bless Your children in every way, even in debating! You've made me in this way at the first place. You've led me into UKM English Debating Team ever since i enter this university.

But the problem of clashes still happened. i became confused. i've been giving up chance to know God better, but He still bless me in debate... i know something wrong here. i prayed about it again. then here comes, a speedy answer too. i was suppose to attend this IIU open on last weekend 20-21 jan. then Jun Hoe who had contacted IIU people said that it's better for us to attend the coming rounds, which are on 24-25 feb and 3-4 mac. CF camp was on 20-21 jan... it clashed. at first i didn't think of going to that camp is because i have no money. although it's only RM50 per person and it's in Pulau Pangkor!! such a great place with fabulous price! another reason that pulled me back is my study. now the debating team is planning to have training once every fort night. so that very weekends suppose i'm free, should use it for my studies or clear up stuff for other activities. then came the x factor : I AM SICK. yea, am. i'm still having cough and flue, with occassional sneezing. The sore throat period had finally passed.

Anyway, come back to the clashes. So, this is the first time they didn't clash! too bad i attended neither. i went to starbuck to search for information for my assignments. i have 2 assignments at hand. thank God for the fast wireless there, i enjoyed my surf that saturday afternoon.

Then on Sunday morning, i received a message from Jerry, the one in-charge of our debate training this weekend. He's the one prefers to have it on Sunday, as well as most of the people. i was very surprise to get him informing me that the coming training will be on Saturday!! Again, they didn't clash! i can attend the training then the next day i still attend church service! at least, this time i'm more willing to travel to Bangi :)

Then on wed, I received a message from stella saying that we managed to get a van from UKM, even without a letter to support as a proof of our “legal” training, haa. That’s great.

God, i know You really care... i'm touched because You have shown me great mercy and grace. i want to thank You sincerely and want to tell the world, starting from this blog. May those with eyes can read. Amen.