Again

I guess I've lost count of the days we went out together, for movie and meal and shopping, for great company and heart-lifting conversations, and ends with a comfortable ride home for me. Just the both of us. Again, it's totally not a date, for the N-th times.

You'll always laugh at me, for reason I still do not know. But you always make me laugh as well. We never run out of conversation topics, until we're really exhausted at the end of the day, and decide to just enjoy the silence. For many people, moment of silence can be awkward. But it isn't for us.

This time, you actually brought up something we did during our last outing - the restaurant we've been to, the menu and the Jazz musics. It amazed me because you thought it's something worthed to mention again, and the fact that you actually still remembered the details.

And you said that I've known you well. At least the decidophobia part of you. You always make me get so excited to see you again. And when you're right in front of me, you make me feel so calm and peaceful. You always do, ever since the first time I know you. How do you do that? :)

Thank God for a warm person like you. Thank God for a wonderful Saturday evening spent with you. I think, the farewell-party ride I mentioned a few months ago, is at its peak today. It is crucial for me to properly close the chapter of you in my life before I move on.

Exhausted but happy,

me

Bila Terasa Rindu

I did not purposely look for this song. It happened to be on TV as I passed by the living room while my housemate was watching it. And I do not like it because of you. I like it because I like it.

Presenting: Bila Terasa Rindu, by Dafi

Apa agaknya khabarmu di sana?

Di sini ku sedang dibelenggu rindu

Beginikah rasa seksa perpisahan

Sungguh anehnya hidup berasingan

Hati terasa bagai tertinggal di situ

Meskipun tubuh dah jauh beribu batu

Sesaat seperti tahun lamanya

Semasa kau tiada

Apa yang terdaya

Bila terasa rindu ku sebut namamu

Dengan harapan kau akan muncul dalam tidur

Bila terasa rindu ku bayang wajahmu dalam angan

Dan barulah ku terasa bagai disembuh

Jauh sekali hidup di sini berbeza

Beribu kali lagi ku selesa di sana

Tak sabar menantikan detik kepulangan

Namun hingga itu

Apa yang termampu

Bila terasa rindu ku sebut namamu

Dengan harapan kau akan muncul dalam tidur

Bila terasa rindu ku bayang wajahmu dalam angan

Dan barulah ku terasa bagai disembuh

Terlintas di fikiran untuk meminggirkan saya

Semua pencarian di sini

Tetapi ini sebahagian dari pengorbanan

Bekalan andainya hari sukar mencabar

Al. LCS

Awestruck. Really.

How could you possibly sense that I was referring to you in my shout out message? And, actually responded to it the moment I changed it? You said because you can read my mind. Really? (But basically if you read my blog that means you're reading a big part of me already. You bluff-ologist!)

You commented that I typed a lot of chats in one go. And your eyes sore from reading it (serve you right, muahahaha!) But in fact, you got me speechless. You caught me with surprises, again.

:) Yes, it's you.

Yes. You.

Stop catching me with surprises, even if you do not intend to. This weird feeling is only going to be here during this weekend, right? I'm just going to ignore it. Though it is strange that it is always here every time after I met you.

It took me two months a semester two years whole uni life ever to draw the line defining friendship and what-not. You're like a stranger to me. I don't know you anymore. You're like a part of me. Everything you do, I am awed that it fits nicely, like it is suppose to be.

You told me to stay focus, and I shall achieve it. You told me time heals, and I will get over you.

You lied.

I hate that we're better off with what we have now. I hate to finally reach the balance. I hate to keep watch at the lines. I hate what-ifs. I hate the self-controls I have with myself every time as I almost spilled out the unspeakable. I hate you don't know I'm still influenced by you. I hate the obvious fact that we complement each other.

I hate that you're the only guy who comes this close to making me tell you I love the way you being imperfect.

Nothing More, Nothing Less

It cannot be clearer that you didn't mean anything more than what I understand. But if this is a joke, I'll be the first one to laugh at it, at myself, at us. The first time you asked me for a date, I brought a group of friends along. The following times we went out, there were only the both of us. Neither of us had the initiative to ask other friends along, but those were not dates anymore. And I still love it. Everything in it.

The car ride and get confused with the direction with you. The movies and the way we thought of watching the same movie despite our decidophobia. The way you asked for the 2:30pm show because I suggested so even though you thought it's a bit too rush. The way we can read each other's mind about the designs of shirts and pants and shoes and neck ties and bags and decoration of restaurants and musics and voice of the live band and cooking style of the food served and the plot of the movie. The conversations that I don't expect to have with a Malaysian guy, or a guy, or anyone, or ever. The way you know the lyrics to every songs played in the radio and comfortably sing along with it in the car while admitting you're not a good singer. The way you ask me if I am still alright halfway through the movie knowing that the movie could be a bit too extreme for me. The way you hand me your wallet and ask to get the money ready while approaching toll. The way you helped me carry my tote bag as I told you my shoulder is aching from carrying it the whole day. The way you ask me if I am interested to enter a shop which only sells girls clothes and accessories, and actually enter it with me. The way you laugh at my excitement as I found a search-a-word puzzle that can keep me busy for a month. The way you don't laugh at my obsessiveness at getting the dish I want by confirming with the waiter that the two dishes at different page are exactly the same. The way you ask me help you read the sign boards. The way you love R&B songs, too.

And the way you'll always make sure you send me back personally, either by public or private transport, before you head home.

Forgive Him and Love the Weather

Oh, slash the previous post. It's plain stupid to be mad at such an adorable guy. It wasn't his fault, and he actually meant it with good intention. I should have more faith in him, shouldn't I? What was I kia su-ing for lar?! *slap forehead*

A sudden joy swoops past me, and forgiving someone is such a wonderful feeling.

Ah, the weather is lovely. I want to go the Titiwangsa lake and 

sit down and stare at the sky

read a book beside the lake

walk around the park (and avoiding the grass. I have phobia with grass)

If not at the park, maybe I want to go:

JOGGING

PLAY BASKETBALL

SWIMMING

SHOPPING

DATING

Wait! NoOooOoo where DID the last one come from?! Oh yeah, I have phobia with dating, too.

I guess I should just stay in my room and study for my viva (It's tomorrow!!) which consists of friggin' 20% for the total marks for my 12 credit hours thesis!!

And yes, study for Genetic, the last paper to for my four years Biomedical Science university life, which will be on Wednesday. Awesome Brilliant. I am not using the word Awesome for some kia su reason lalala~

Love Supplier

The more you care about someone, the easier you get upset by the little mistakes they did. But love is not easily angered, and keeps no record of wrong. Loving someone is not just a split second emotion, but should be permanent. Because if it is the former, it doesn't need any effort to maintain it and just base on mere feeling, it is not love. 

It is really difficult to really, really love someone.

But if God could love me despite of my sins, thus I shall ask Him for limitless supply of love, to love the people around me, including that someone who upset me because I care for him too much.

Or maybe I shouldn't even give him any special attention anyway. What am I doing?! *slap forehead*

The Names

That even the slightest mention of her name shall scratch a scar on my heart.  A scar as deep as a bottomless hollow. But even if you don't mention it, I can hear your heart calls out to her, so dearly that even your every heart beat rhymes with it, so loudly that my ears hear nothing more than the scream of my wound as salts are poured onto it. 

Silence shall roar at the chaotic emotions. And the wilderness shall be filled with shadows of emptiness. The greatest despair is not when you can't hear the sighs of my heart, but the flicker in your eyes as the sweet name is breathed.

For even the slightest mention of your name shall now burn myself into ashes.

Why Does The List Keep Getting Longer..?

1. First - Malay

2. clinic patient - Vietnamese

3. burger seller guy during matriculation - Malay

4. Second - Chinese

5. police - Indian

6. Third - Nepali

7. Starbucks, keychain - Arabic

8. kitchen - Malay

9. customer - Lebanese

10. churchmate - Nigeria

very funny *roll eyes*

I am tired. Staying single is better. Can't blame me for loosing hope.

Bleeding Love

When one sleeps with a broken heart, one may wake up to realise that it's now either healed but left with some scars or fractured even further. In the latter case, one may as well crushed it into powder form and apply it on her face as a mask.

Emo

It's the way I can always find the perfect spot on your shoulder to comfortably rest my head on. It's the way you can whisper to me and I can listen to your steady heartbeat. It's the fact that you're the first and only person who knows the absolutely perfect strength to use when you're giving me a massage at my shoulder. It's the way your eyes speak to my heart.

I'm a loser,  for I still miss you.

Tachycardia

The comfort of sitting next to him, in a manual car. The sense of security and reliability. The casual chats and the unexplainable peace in heart. The secret joy when he missed the turning when he was talking to me.

The racing heartbeats as I turn in every night, looking forward to the next morning. Drown myself in the thoughts of him, the smile on my face needs no effort. His warm stare pierces into my heart, I can't help the addiction to this sinfully adorable boy.

The joy as he strikes a simple conversation with me, the sour as he does with others. His mistery background, his randomness, his commitment and passion, his humor, his calmness, his friendliness, his ... his ... huggableness!!

Smiling at the sunshine which melts my heart,

Cher Linn

Joy

I found this random writing in my personal folder. I must've written it some  time ago. But I guess it sounded quite silly and I chuckled at it when I read it again. So here it is:

********

I want to shout your name when I see you.

I want to tell you how I feel differently about you.

I wish I could grin widely at you without bothering how other people think about us.

I want to talk to you about everything like how I used to.

Thinking of you is my hobby.

You brighten up my day.

I want to look into your sparkling eyes to see you looking deep into mine.

I wish you’d joke with me the way you did.

I miss the time you made me laugh. The joy came from the inside, and warms my heart.

I wish you’d share with me whatever it’s on your mind.

I like the way you look at things. Your perspectives are always interesting to me.

I want to have a stroll at the park with you, especially in a fresh evening after rain.

I like to see you smile and wave at me when you see me.

I miss the way you look at me, so cheerfully and lively that I see sunshine in you.

I remember the night we knew each other.

I don’t know what has changed between us, but I wish you’ll understand that I didn’t mean to do anything to push you away from me.

I thought you were mature enough to know how to handle rumors. We need a little more faith.

I wish we can stay as friends. Do you, too?

Have I ever told you that I never dream about the same friend for twice or more than that? Last night was like the third time I dreamed about this friend of mine.

Hope it was because I'm too tired and that's why I had dream or can remember my dream. It was so real that I can feel everything as if it did happen before.

I dreamed that he held my hand. Tight.

It was a sudden adrenaline rush yet felt very guilty to myself. I thought we're suppose to treat each other as friends and friends only. He's been playing his part well, being a caring friend and all. And I played my part too, by seeing him in his eyes without any mix signal.

God, if you want me to fall for him again, then I understand why you want me to. But can I skip the falling part and just do what you want me to do for You? Seriously.

Oh, whatever. It's just a dream. Take it as a sweet dream and well, inspire myself to make tomorrow a fruitful day because of his presence in my mind ^^

On another note, as I was googling for images of people holding hands, guess what I've found:

The OIL LAND is in our HANDS!

A sudden surge of loneliness filled my heart as the night approaches, and as it brings next-week along.

Hope next week will pass real fast!

Looking forward. Breathe. Smile =)

Waiting

Have you ever been anxiously waited for someone’s call, email or message? Boy, it’s such a wait, isn’t it? It’s quite suffering but it’s exciting at the same time. Looking forward to his/her response, clinging to the slightest hope that he/she might reply in anytime soon. One will eagerly anticipating the response, wishing for the best yet realistically pulling ourselves back to the most likely and sometimes quite disappointing answer.

And if the reply is finally here, even if it’s the simplest reply, it means very much to us. It still makes us chuckle and sleep with a smile on our face. Like a poor kid sleeps with his blanket on in a cold winter night, I smiled with affection after reading his reply. Finally I’m satisfied to called it a day, tucked in with a heart filled with warmth…and slight disappointment.

Stop Dreaming about HIM!

I really have no whatsoever idea on what spell has hit me. I've been having dreams (ok, be able to remember my dreams) lately. It is VERY unusual because I don't normally have dreams or wake up remembering my dreams I had while I'm asleep - I do daydreaming most of the time, you see.

For the past 7 days or so, I've been having dreams in my sleep and I remembered some of them! If this is not the weirdest part, then how about this: this guy friend of mine has been appearing in all of the dreams I can rememeber, except the not-ready-go-get-married-girl-friend dream as mentioned previously. Everything is normal in the dream, seeing him and etc, but I still can't accept the fact that he appears in my dream again and again! By right I'm the type of person who can sleep deep and tight till day light, waking up feeling fresh, not remembering anything happened while asleep.

What is wrong..? Dreaming about him isn't a bad thing. That's the point. Because of this, I'm confused why do I bother about this..

Missing You

The chilling wind blows, the dark clouds loom in. Blinding lighting strikes a sense of fear into me, loud thunder soon follows. Down pouring rain is anticipated, yet again.

Standing in the hallway, alone. Watching the greyish sky , oh so familiar.

The tree leaves spring into a dance, ready to soak in the shower. Little flowers sing, embracing themselves to survive through the down pour. Humble grass hold their breath in preserverance, determine to smile at the rainbow after rain.

The nature, isn't very natural, especially when it is mixed with a complicated emotion inside. It becomes humane. It reminds me of a friend, only whom can stir my emotion, silently, violently.

It is a surprise. After all this while, he is still on my mind. New friends come and go, so is he. But his smiles never leave. His shadow is everywhere.

Wake up! He is no longer here!

Eyes closed, I shake my head, trying to swing him off my mind. Yet, like a stubborn dirt, no solution is effective enough to eliminate him from my consciousness. The stain stays, the emotion lingers. My heart is calling the name whose owner is miles away.

Did you hear it?

The thunder roars and the wind pierces my bone, sending shivers down my spine. My heart aches and my mind floats.

Oh gravity! Pull me back!

Crystal drops scattered on the soil, roof, cars and leaves, concerting harmonic orchestra. The power of nature speaks with authority. It is loud, but I hear silence. It is a teamwork, but I fight the battle alone - the battle to get over with the fact that...

I still miss you.

confusion?

21/7/07 (beautiful saturday)

i never know there'd be anything besides going to church will shake my stand to attend any debating briefing at bangi and meet my debater friends there. Really. until last thursday.

"this saturday? Harry potter? huh...but i'm suppose to bring the KTSN debate juniors to bangi for their first briefing regarding the VC cup.."

"Sunday will be too rush for us, you have church in the morning, i also have activity at night."

After we struggled through some negotiation, i decided to give up the debate briefing and opt for movies with Albert. If i were to attend the briefing, what i need to do is just bringing them there and back. i can trust Gab to do this.. So here goes, my "personal" issue that made me couldn't attend the briefing that day. But this time, i really take it seriously, it's a big thing for me, i really want to put it at highest priority, even above debate.

As i've expected, it's a great day. luckily I managed to get two tickets on friday for Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. After my HM (co-curriculum) class on Sat, i went to Times Square to meet up with Albert. He had to come all the way from HUKM, Cheras to KL here. At first i didn't know the reason why he'd do this. Later only i found out.

I can't say the movie was great because as usual, you never expect a positive comment from someone who has read the book twice or more. In the sense of story line, i really found that it had skipped a lot, in a very rapid pace too. Yet, surprisingly, i realised that there were dialouges between the charactors which if not mistaken, not found in the book. The way they said it was like addressing some real issues we have in our life. Sorry i can't explain more on this point but there were several scenes that really make me amaze how they could have use this way to bring out different message yet maintain the plot. i quite satisfy with this movie honestly, seeing things in a new angle and learn from a supposedly -children- movie.

After movie, we visited Borders, our favourite. i bought a new book Like a Flowing River by Paulo Coelho (again, don't really remember the names). i wanted to buy another book too -- Song of a Hummed back whale by Jodi Piccoult (please, correct the names for me if you wish to) but because i ddidn't bring enough money, so got to let go the latter. Luckily, the River book is a great book, more to inspirational type and i find the joy in reading it.

After Borders, we had our dinner at Kim Gary at Sungai Wang. As usual, it's very crowded. The food there is OK la, it's not so good to the extent that can beat my mum's. Still, i enjoyed the dinner. Because of right atmosphere and right people.

This time i may not talk so much on our outing, i want to just briefly blog about our progress.

Albert always want to continue to be my friend and at the same time, try hard to make me take him as a friend too. I never see his effort. I always thought he'll never understand how i feel(felt) about us. Once i wanted to be more than just friends, once i wanted to be only friends. Once i thought i'm going to have special feeling towards him forever; once i had cruch on my debater friend whom i thought i can finally move on from Albert and accept other "special" guys in my life. I'm the one that don't really see how things work and experience how he's felt.

He came all the way here, just because i said i wanted to watch Harry potter. There are cinema around his area, but because i'm here in KL, he came here. This is his effort, to be how a friend would have been.

Stupid me went and tell him that i still miss him sometimes, ha...and made him frustrated and disappointed with me, made him felt that he has wasted his money and time to come here because i wasn't putting effort to move on. He is right. After 2 ++ years only i realise what he has struggled through, where i have stayed and not growing up. I used to think I was only making a circle even if i tried to move on. But the truth is, i don't really put much effort as he does. I also thought that he's cold blooded, never understand my feeling. But i was terribly wrong. He does understand, and i only make him feel worse when i told him about this misunderstanding.

I'm sorry, Albert. It took me so long to crawl out from the shell i made for myself. You have always been good to me even when i doubted you care. Thank you for all that you have done, and i'm looking forward to go out with you again in future, even if it means i have to give up my debate activity, even if it means i have to go back KTSN late, and i will take it as a good day off with my good old friend, enjoying pizza and fashion show from you!

keeping it low

ok ok, now i got to convince myself that my crush is really just a crush. it is only temporary, ooonly temporary. He will soon be replace by someone, say, victor from monash? Great.

Today i travelled back KL from my homwtown Penang. Sitting next to me was a Malay guy. I don't always have good impression on guys who dyed their hair, regardless of their race. But this guy is quite charming though, especially when he kissed his dad's hand before he ride on the bus, a Malay tradition which i find quite touching. Some more it's from a stylish guy, whom i thought could've forgotten all those values. That's why, it's wrong to judge someone with their appearance.

The biggest plus point for this guy is -- he treated me a chewing gum during the long journey to KL. It may sounded like a kid who is easily kidnapped just because she took a "magic sweet rubber" from a stranger. But I don't know..I was surprised by his act and even more surprised by mine -- taking his chewing gum and beaming as i thanked him.

The important thing here is -- for just a split second, just a little act, a cheap chewing gum can knock my crush out of my mind for a while. and I'm feeling great because now I know that the crush i'm having now is just another crush and there's a cure for it!! so all i have to do now is to hold on a little longer in keeping myself from confessing my feeling to Mr.Crush and let this feeling subside.

Some may say it's better to tell one how we feel towards them for there may be no tomorrow, like the 911 incident, where a lot of people didn't really get to say their last I-love-you or I'm-sorry. But this is...different. telling him will really mean there IS no tomorrow for me. i do think of telling him, but not right now. maybe after the *ahem* event, where we no longer will meet each other very frequently. bear with it, bear with it. take a deep breathe and keep it low.

May I have another chewing gum please? hee hee