Saturday, September 23, 2006

my secret burden

well , i wish to tell u guys bout the operasi khidmat masyarakat ( OPKIM ) which was a community service in Pulau Langkawi i had during my mid semester break which was after my exam..but well, maybe next time. . there're too many things i wanted to say bout that trip too, don feel like talking bout them nw, with my moody kind of mood..

something was and is on my mind since the beginning of august. i'm waiting for a report. in fact, it's WE are waiting for a report. it's concerning the merit points most of the KTSN-ers are crazy about.

i was in a debating tournament. i was one of the trainer for my college(hostel) junior english debating teams. well, although i know joining this will get myself loaded with loads of merits, but only for these debating-related and Christian Fellowship activities, i don care bout the merits. i simply want to learn and grow by joining them. other college activities, merits is initiative for me to join them. I didnt even tell my juniors about the merit thingy when i approached them to be in the team. loads od them rejected this chance as soon as they heard "english", "debate" and "represent". it's not an easy job, explaining it to a lot of strangers ( well, this tournament only open for first years studens and they were new students in our university then ) and the response u get each time would just make u frustrated at the end of the day. still, i didn't want to tell them a thing about the merit points. i never want my jouniors join this debating team because of merits, without the spirit for debate in it.

luckily, together with other trainers ( yann shan and wey wen )we managed to form 3 teams at last, total of 12 people. it's quite a success compare to other colleges, but never mind, my college has more residents i think. we trained them as frequent as we could, put them into appropriate teams with suitable speaker positions and group co-operation..arrange venue for each training, arrange transport for the tournament etc.. to see them compete for my college..

KTSN don really have rooms for debate trainings, sad to say..there were twice, we had to train in the volleyball court ( which was the most deserted place we could find that day ) and gave free meals to the mosquitoes there. then there was once we trained at the TV corner, which's a much better place compare to the volleyball court, at least had sofa to sit on and a table for the speaker, together with the attention from the residents of that block who happened to pass by and watch. all and all, the juniors didn't complain about it, which make me love them even more, and felt guilty at the same time. i never knew it'd be this hard for them.

we couldn't present at the tournament without transportation, as it's not in our college, it's in the main campus of my uni, we're from the branch. ok, transportation. for the prelims, quarter and semi round, i've summited the forms and get approved few days before the tournament began, quite ok. comes the final round. yea, my kids went into final round !! that's not easy, as trainers we felt hw they feel, we could feel the saltiness of their tears just looking at them crying after the semi final round.well, i thought i hand in exactly a week before the event ( which is what we suppose to do if we want any bus service from uni ) is enough to get a bus for us. 2 days before the final, still no news, so i went to follow up about my form. it was not processed yet !! sometimes i handed in late, at this hour they also could tell me that it's IN the process. i get really frustrated, i asked them, but i didn't even raise up my voice..then that girl was accually yelling back at me( in english, sth that surprised but annoyed me at the same time, because she's speaking it with great difficultly, as if i don understand BM huh..), saying that they have not enough drivers and have loads of more important events to give the service to. hey, how am i suppose to know?! that's why i'm asking! but the point is still this : why my form was not processed yet? at least they process it then say my application is rejected or sth like that, u cnt just leave it there, as if i didn't hand in my form at all and that's not fair. i managed to remind her that that was for the final round and we were representing our college ( which residents are all from that branch campus ) before i stormed away. the response i got from that girl was.. " it's only a final! " i stared at her for a few seconds.. then the next thing i know was the best manner i could have was just to walk away, and i did.

then i met someone whom i least wished to meet at that moment -- my senior trainer, wey wen, because i knew i'm gonna cry in front of her, which i did. that's my soft spot. i'm quite insensitive when being bullied. when i realised, it often hurts so deep..i never complain when i have to go to the main campus alone, it's tiring, time+money+energy consuming and is always dangerous for a girl to travel alone. but i'll try to get there for debate trainings. the thing i was facing at that moment was to ship all the 12 juniors, with their books and matter files, and not to forget their anxious hearts, to bangi, safely. which is a very tough job. to get to bangi, we need to take monorail from chow kit station ( didn't feel like walking them to the titiwangsa star station, it's hot and tiring and time consuming, but will definitely save us RM1.20 ) to titiwangsa star station, take star LRT to tasik selatan station, then change again to KTM to reach UKM station, then take cab around there to get in campus. both monorail and ktm often have reports on lost belongings, snatch theives, or stealings etc. that's the thing i worry about. now u know it's not easy to be a hen, to protect all those vulnerable chicks from the eagle. next day i went to see that girl again, preparing for the worst case scenario, then got to start planning the shipping job. but to cut things short, we managed to get a bus at last. it's such a relieve. guess no one would understand how i felt throughout these things, and i think it's better keep it like this. my juniors had have enough pressure for the final.

everything's over, and we were the champion for this year, 2006. now comes the merits issue. i let them know just before the finals. president of Jaksa( student welfare representatives of my college ), farid told us that we'll get >80 points for it. yea, u have noticed, we count our merit points by points here, just like calories, just that the latter is sth we want to get rid of and not for the former. i always tell things that i've confirmed, especially this merit thing, dare not give them false hope, or my juniors will hate me. the thing is, we need report. jaksa dont care whether we've won the title champion 2006 plus several best speakers for ktsn and the trophy is in the jaksa room as proove but they want report to give us merit, in a week's time. well, i told my friend, who's a secretary for this event, to write a report. again, to cut things short, i knew nobody likes to write report and she's quite busy as she's a final year student, i tried to ask farid to extend the due date to hand in report. since my friend's from bangi and we need an officer from bangi to approve the report, and we won the champion as well, he gave in, he said hand it in as soon as possible. the final round was on 7/8/06, today is 24/9/06, the report issue is not over yet. yea, very soooooon..

after the mid sem break, jaksa did a very well job to post up the merit points we managed to collect throughout this half of semester. of course, the debate points's not counted in yet. we found out that my friend has faxed in here, but jaksa didn't receive it. ok, i assumed i gave the wrong number to my friend, so i asked the fax number again from jaksa, to confirm, then sms my friend. actually farid told me to write the report according to their format if we want to get merits, but i asked, it's organised by Unit Perucapan Umum, not any colleges from bangi, and definitely not KTSN, why we have to follow? i was and am sure that he did say something like "then it's ok ". but nvm, i still post up their format to my friend, in our ukm debating team yahoogroup. didn't expect she'd follow though, even i myself think it's so irrelevant. now farid give us new due date. 23/9/06, which was 2 weeks to go from the day he told me this due date and a week to go when reminded me on the report format thing. i was really lost this time..i felt so helpless. wey wen told me (ermm..i think she meant like this ) that is not good to egg my friend who's doing the report, everyone is busy..and for myself, because she's my senior, i think it'll be kinda rude to do this to her. but sometimes i really cnt bear anymore.. it's not my friend's fault that she put such a low priority to the report. only my college needs report i think, we are so deprived of merit points..but it's already 1 and a half months she delayed it, which from the beginning she already known that our jaksa want it in a week's time. although farid did say it's ok if we cnt make it in a week, but 1 +1/2months is already too much. i feel so bad about myself, why cant i just do the report myself and email her to let her take the signature of that particular officer then post it here..well, i thought they'll be doing report on it, so thought maybe just photostate an extra copy for me will do..

rite, bout the format thing, this time i think i should do it myself, if i ask my friend to do it, i can guess i need to egg her again, which's sth i tried hard not to do it and did it once throughout these 2 months. i need objective of the event. i assumed the proposal sent up by jun hoe will have it, so i asked jun hoe to copy and paste for me if he's free. i tried to sound i'm ok. with sms, one is able to hide her feelings if she wished to. yup, he's having it, but he asked why i needed so much details for the report..i..was speechless..and all those emotions overwhelmed me suddenly, and i cried in front of another senior debater again, stupid PMS !!

the report issue has been on my mind ever since the final round was over. the juniors have been asking bout it and every time my answer to them is : the report is not here yet.. which translate into : u not definitely will get ur 80 sth merit points's sth they deserve but they cnt have it yet. 12 of them, 12 hopes, 12 anticipation of joy, 12 insecurities, 12 anxious, 12 fold of pressure, all on me.. even i myself cnt really bear wt my own's portion already, but i keep it from my friend,she doesn't have to know, any she won't understand this stupid policy anyway. the feeling of dissappointment of my juniors always hit me hard..and i can feel the jaksa already have bad impression on the ukm debating team. maybe they think we are cocky because we won the champion for ktsn, the fact is we are NOT least i myself am not, we just feel proud that we can make it till the end after going through all these obstacles, but definitely not to the extend of cocky.. i already reach the stage i cnt defend myself..

well, jun hoe asked me to send him the format soft copy, he'll handle it for me..and this make me felt more guilty, why on earth i have to ask jun hoe for the objective?just use ur brain, cher linn! u can come up with some nice common-sense objectives! put some junk in it, it's only a report! the most important thing is still the details of people who deserve to get merits, which i already have! and why jun hoe? he always says yes to something he can help..stupid me..

then later i found out that it's still the same friend of mine who's doing it, i feel even more ashame..yea, i am like a total useless person who can't even write a report for sth that we are waiting for and that sth is sth we deserve..nw my friend is going to send it to my junior, who'll print it out and hand it to jaksa. wish everything's ok, wish jaksa don complain about the report.. i'm so tired of this report issue already, which's always on my mind but i cnt let anyone know it. it's sth out of my control but it's like my responsibility, in the eyes of jaksa..i really hate the if i'm not doing anything to get things done earlier, but in fact, yea, i am really NOT doing anything for's not because i don want to, it's because i egg my senior for sth that's nothing to do with her and only benefited us..why do i have to go through all these venue-preparing, trainings, transport arrangeging and crying and stressing out and wearing mask get blamed on sth like this..

and i read jun hoe's blog just now.. he says he's very busy for the last week, but he is still kind enough to insist to handle the report thing for me..

may God bless both jun hoe and Salwa, my friend who helped me to write the report.

i think that's it la, too tired.

No comments: