clashes

God, You rock!

well, just something to share here about God's answer to my prayer again. i know it's God's answer because it is kinda a miracle too.

Previously, my debating trainings or tournaments always clash with my church activities, services, or even my Christian Fellowship's activities, due to the fact that most people are free on weekends, that's the best time to get people to come for some trainings (i personally take tournaments as trainings). the thing is, the basic thing as a follower of Christ is to attend church. Some people may say it's not a sin if you don't attend church. But to me, attending church and listening to sermon is important, for that's when your heart is not listening attentively to God's voice in your heart, He'll put it in an audible way, cakap terang-terang and get the message across. That's why i'd try to sleep early on Saturday night and drag myself up every Sunday morning to attend church service.

The thing is, i also view debate training very important to me too. Continuous reading on issues sure help a lot, but the saying of "practice makes perfect" still proven standing. i really need a lot of practices to speak in front of my seniors to let them correct me, method and manner wise. How my speech structure is, how my facial expression and gesture are, etc. maybe one can record his or her own speech and play it back, to correct oneself, or look at the mirror while giving a speech. something are lacking here : how well you co-operate with others? how your real performance is when you are disturbed by your jumping-up-and-down opponents who want to ask POV (point of view). it's too much to work alone. i need real people to practise with. besides, i miss those people there, although i will have to travel that far to Bangi for training...

My problem is, everytime it really clashes with activities which will help me grow spiritually. every training or tournament sure clashes with those activities. i've been asking God a lot of time why these things happened, and it appeared that God continue to challenge me on which one i choose, Him or debate. i picked debate, everytime... At the same time, i also asked God's direction, because although i chose debate rather than the activities, He still showed His great mercy on me in my debating life. such as easy opponents during match-ups in Royals. there's once also during the Royal tournament, i was asking God about this same question until i came across this sentence in Bible : ..."Do not be afraid; keep on speaking, do not be silent. For i am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because i have many people in the city." [ACTS 18:9-10]. i was doing my daily Bible reading and the instant i came to this sentence, it just struck me that it's God showing me sign. It's hard to explain, but i really felt that Jesus is talking to me with His word ( He said this to Paul. ) i kept repeating the sentence. "Do not be afraid; keep on speaking..." i told myself. Yes, God, i won't stop speaking. i'll strive harder to become a good debater. i'll make You proud and i want to proove that You bless Your children in every way, even in debating! You've made me in this way at the first place. You've led me into UKM English Debating Team ever since i enter this university.

But the problem of clashes still happened. i became confused. i've been giving up chance to know God better, but He still bless me in debate... i know something wrong here. i prayed about it again. then here comes, a speedy answer too. i was suppose to attend this IIU open on last weekend 20-21 jan. then Jun Hoe who had contacted IIU people said that it's better for us to attend the coming rounds, which are on 24-25 feb and 3-4 mac. CF camp was on 20-21 jan... it clashed. at first i didn't think of going to that camp is because i have no money. although it's only RM50 per person and it's in Pulau Pangkor!! such a great place with fabulous price! another reason that pulled me back is my study. now the debating team is planning to have training once every fort night. so that very weekends suppose i'm free, should use it for my studies or clear up stuff for other activities. then came the x factor : I AM SICK. yea, am. i'm still having cough and flue, with occassional sneezing. The sore throat period had finally passed.

Anyway, come back to the clashes. So, this is the first time they didn't clash! too bad i attended neither. i went to starbuck to search for information for my assignments. i have 2 assignments at hand. thank God for the fast wireless there, i enjoyed my surf that saturday afternoon.

Then on Sunday morning, i received a message from Jerry, the one in-charge of our debate training this weekend. He's the one prefers to have it on Sunday, as well as most of the people. i was very surprise to get him informing me that the coming training will be on Saturday!! Again, they didn't clash! i can attend the training then the next day i still attend church service! at least, this time i'm more willing to travel to Bangi :)

Then on wed, I received a message from stella saying that we managed to get a van from UKM, even without a letter to support as a proof of our “legal” training, haa. That’s great.

God, i know You really care... i'm touched because You have shown me great mercy and grace. i want to thank You sincerely and want to tell the world, starting from this blog. May those with eyes can read. Amen.

feeling

Feeling

i think this word best describe my day, as i was overwhelmed with loads of feelings today. this may be a less structured post, or, well, same as usual, less structured. what's going on my mind?

19/1/07 :

as i told you, i have a crush on someone. i know it's a crush because... i realise another shadow is still inside my heart... i thought i've given him up. it's been many times i tell him and myself that i have moved on, living a life that's without him. it seems quite so, and i thought i'm doing fine with life like this, without him.

Albert has been my ex for one and a half year. it really took me some time time to move on. he knew that too, he was very sorry. but it was way after we broke up then only it occurred to me that he's actually someone sent by God, to make me leave my previous boyfriend. it's just so happened, that when we first met, we were kinda clique together already, have loads of conversation, and having really good time with each other. i personally enjoy his presence. yea, enjoy, a present tense.

maybe i sounded like a bad girl in this, i couldn't explain, i really broke up with my 1st bf. i knew my heart was not with him anymore. after a week, Albert confessed his feeling towards me. i was surprised he felt the same way too. but we were happy couple for only two days, due to some reasons. honestly, it was a really tough time for me. i had lost my direction, but i liked him so much that i'd willing to give in to him. it took me a few months to heal. for several times, i thought i was fully recovered, then it appeared to be i was just covering up the cut, it's not healed. at the last time i think i was healed, i thought it's the last stitch. i really felt like i've moved on, for some distances already, and i was happy for myself too. i can take him as a usual friend and talk with a usual tone, have some casual conversation, sms him, went out for movie with him ( only the two of us )... i really thought i was doing fine...

until today. i saw him with another friend. i know that girl's not his special someone, because that girl is taken by her senior buddy. Albert was just there to accompany her for shopping. i suddenly feel like... i missed him. all those memories just came flashing back and not to mention the emotions. i'm not jealous, i don't even feel mad, just plain sad and, emptiness. another friend and i went to timesquare today, same as Albert and Jing Xian. i didn't know they were heading there too. my heart started to jump up and down when i noticed they didn't get down at Bukit Bintang station, so the next possible station would be Imbi, where Albert always likes to watch movie during weekdays after class. i went to the sony dealer to ask something regarding my new MP3 player. then we went to Borders book store. i wasn't feeling quite well this afternoon, due to the sore throat. we did sms each other in timesquare, when i was in book store and he's accompanying Jing Xian to buy shoes. my heart was warmed by every message i received from him. we didn't meet up in time square though. when i was leaving, i also sent him a message. i didn't expect him to reply, because he used to say that some " unuseful " messages doesn't need to reply. this time, he replied. even as short as " k...". this make my heart even heavier to leave that building. why?

this is the last semester for Albert and other Medicine 2nd year friends studying in my campus. around March or April they'll be leaving to HUKM, Cheras. this is also another factor i felt quite down today. i may not be meeting him , ok, them, after this separation. i thought i can let him go just like this, without any sadness... until today. the feeling just came to me, and i can feel a clock is ticking, telling me every seconds is passing me by, do i want to do anything?

on the way back to my campus to take the shuttle bus back hostel, i kept thinking...my brain didn't stop spinning. asking the same question : is he only a friend to me? or i still have a crush on him? or ... is he more than a crush to me? why he left such an impact in my heart? i didn't feel anyhthing towards my 1st ex anymore. but for Albert, sometimes i still care about him, now i still listen to the songs he likes. after Albert, i also had a few crushes with other guys, short-lived crushes. when the feeling gone, my heart still came back to him. i thought i've wipped him out of my life when every new crushes happened. there's a period when i have no crush towards anyone, then only i was feelin "normal", haa...

just now, i sms Albert again, asking him to watch movie for the last time berofe he leaves for HUKM. i just know that i'd regret if i didn't go out with him for the last time. he says yes. should i tell him how i feel towards him? it's been so long and this feeling doesn't seem to diminish. he's heard loads of time from me about this, it's when we just broke up and he understands it's very tough for me to recover. the thing is, i used to tell him that " i think i've recovered.." now suddenly come back to the original point, i wonder what's his reaction to this...

i think, Albert's more than a crush to me...the previous crush i mention? he's just a crush.

debate training

debate training

ok, i just want to scribble (type) something here, before i give up to put them in words.

14/1/07, sunday morning, i went to Kolej Tun Hussein Onn (KTHO) in UKM, Bangi for english debate training, together with Gab and Stella. we departed from KTSN around 0845, or before 9 am.that means i woke up around 8 to get ready. and the night before i slept at 2 am sth. it's not that i want to stay up late... i kept reminding myself to sleep early, because i know i need to get up early the next day and the day ahead will really strain my brain -- to keep alertness while traveling all the way from KTSN to Bangi campus, and for the debate session. the thing is, i set my hair for the dinner ( hey, i was the MC, it'll be very akward if all the girls there set their hair nicely and me as the MC just went there with plain, straight hair ), so when i came back, i have to wash my hair, and waited an hour and plus for my hair to dry.

waking up early on sunday morning is not a problem for me, like it or not, i have to wake up this early in sundays because i'm going to church. although i knew the training is at 10 am, till know i still can't get a rough estimated time to reach there. it all depends on the traffic and the train we take. walking out from KTSN, if we didn't get to flag down any taxi, we'll have to take a 10 min walk to the nearest bus stop and take Rapid KL bus to Titiwangsa Star LRT station, which costs us RM2 with just a short distance. although the bus fare is for to and fro, we didn't get to use the back trip because by the time we come back, it'll definitely be quite dark for us to walk back from the bus station to hostel, and this spells the word "dangerous", if not "snatch thieves".

Reached Star station, we met Jo Ee, who's going to a church in Bangsar. yea, he's late for the service, haa, same as us at the end of the day. there came the train to ampang, we had to wait for the next one which headed to sri petaling. i couldn't believe we wasted quite some time in waiting Star train! it never let me down, you know, at least i never complain to travel by it because the waiting time is not significant. finally we were on the train, it took us about 20 min on the train itself to reach taman tasik selatan station. from there, we had to take KTM to reach UKM. i always dislike taking KTM, because it's a place with very high reported snatched thieves cases, and heard loads more unreported ones, told by friends. besides, it IS slow, slow in arriving and travelling. we just missed the previous one, so we waited around 15 min ++ for the next one, and travelled around 15-20 min on the train itself again. i really surprised with the fact that we've departed earlier than previous experience for debate training in Bangi but still, we were 30 min late for it! i really sorry we were late, but i hope they understand what we have gone through that morning, not to mention the money spent every time we travel to and fro like this. on transportation alone, we spent RM10 ++, which means i have to cut down expenses in other days. sometimes i like to buy the economist or newsweek when i think the articles in it might be interesting for that edition, sometimes i might like to visit Border or kinokuniya and buy some books. my resistance to purchase book is quite low, but i never regret in the books i bought, i really sure i'd like what's in the books then only i buy them, but one book can cost a lot too. yea, we can't always get what we want in our lives right?

when we reached Bangi, Jun Hoe came to fetch us. we caused him to be late too, because he waited to fetch us... sigh... as we entered the memorial room in KTHO, fea and the rest were already there. they were playing pictionariy to kill time. pictionary is my all time favourite, especially with that bunch of people, but of course, we couldn't expect to continue a round with them, because we already wasted some many people's precious time that's for debating.. of course, from what fea first said when she saw us, i know she's mad, i've expected that when we were still waiting for KTM as my watch showed 10am back at KTM station. but i really didn't mean to be late. it's not easy to estimate the time to travel with so many transaction to make. i really wish if only they'd put themselves in our shoes...yea, to counter this, just say : you can always wake up earlier to come in time, just count in the time for waiting and on train, you'll be safe. sigh... it's easy said than done.

my last round of debate before that was on 5th dec 2006, yes, during Royals debate in UiTM Kuching, Sarawak. it's good to have this training session though, or else i'll soon forget how to debate or structure my speech. but this still happened, haa, when i became the first speaker for the first round in Asian Style. i've forgotten the mechanism. i thought i've put everything in, the problem, solution, objective, feasibility, asking those why, how, and etc question to reason, left out the practicality. honestly, i didn't know what does "comprehensive" mean, and it really didn't occur to me to explain or define it a little in my case set up. and haa, i didn't even mention the motion of that round, which is the role of a prime minister, sigh...too rusty.

after that, we decided to debate in British Parliment Style. it's my first try. the 1st BP is on outsoursing, which i have no idea on what's it, but i had anthony to explain to me. next BP, we did on corporal punishment. i was the weep for closing gov and i rebutted a little, then gave an argument, haa.. i've forgotten as the 2nd speaker in closing gov team means i'm the weep, shouldn't have any point to elaborate and should rebutt all still standing arguments from the opposition and sum up the case for the gov but focus on our own closing gov. again, i cause the lost to my team. well, at least it's a lesson to remember. somehow, i just couldn't deny the fact that i became more frustrated towards the end of the debate training, with the tiresome and an unappreciated trip from KTSN still lingering in my mind. but i have to clarify here that jespreet did express her appreciation at the end of the debate.

and another factor is... i realise i have crushed on someone in the UKM english debating team... this is not something exciting because i just feel that we're not going to have spark. that's it. fear comes together with crush, because you'll always fear that your deepest secret might be revealed. either people around you notice your abnormal behaviour towards that crush or that person himself (yes, it's a he) see it in my eyes. i'm not good in hiding feeling, you see... i can keep a friend's secret if i ever promise to keep, but not my own feeling. i'm too used to not wearing mask. the worst is..in some where deep in my heart, i heard it says ... he knows. God! what is your purpose in doing this to me? attract me to debate? great, then why did You keep clashing my debate schebule with church camp or Christian acvitities previously?... You know my soft spot right at the beginning, don't You?... You knew if only he asked, i'd travel all the way to UiTM Shah Alam by myself, where i've never been and which i've never had the experience to travel that far alone yet. still i just simply gave in when he only persuaded a little. i know it's for my own good, but the problem lies here, i feel safe to follow what he said. i was confused, yet i didn't admit i have crush on him until yesterday. have mercy on my, Lord, either You allow it to work out or allow this to be kept as a secret between You and me forever, or whatever, You have my best interest in heart and You knew what's best for me.

after the training session, we went to have Kajang satay. i was the one suggesting to have food other than fast food, which KL already has abundant, because they were there suggesting fast food already, which i don't quite like. during most of the training session we had fast food as our meal, either lunch or dinner. i know it's convenient, but it's not a very firm excuse to have fast food, especially when you're not in a hurry and other restaurants are available and easily accessible. to me, fast food just unhealthy. maybe it doesn't hurt to have it once in a while, but the lesser you consume, the better for yourselves. so there we were, Kajang Satay! it's not bad la, but according to Lisa, the satay in her place, cheras, tastes better. i have no idea how cheras satay tastes like, but hope to try it one day :) i celebrate the food variation we have.

after dinner, they sent us to Kajang KTM station, so we can pay less and reach tasik selatan station with a station less. when we were on Star LRT, it rained! quite a heavy rain, and it's difficult for us to flag a taxi in this weather, plus we'll get ourselves soaked in rain while just waiting for taxi. so we called Yann Shan, but he got to pick up his bro in PJ, we called other friends, but they were not available : somebody drove his car..he's outside, not convenient to go LRT station to pick us up... alas, we managed to get a cab. when we get in the cab, then only the driver said this trip is going to cost us RM 10 !!! !!! !!! HEY! that trip normally cost at most RM3 ok ? just because it's raining and we were desparate to get home, that evil taxi driver took advantage on us !! that's not fair !!! it's such a luxurious ride. i was very mad at these things happen to us. we've paid so much for the trip, now the final attack is even worse. i hate the taxi in KL.

that's all for my debate training experience in Bangi last sunday. somebody please give me a hug?