feeling

Feeling

i think this word best describe my day, as i was overwhelmed with loads of feelings today. this may be a less structured post, or, well, same as usual, less structured. what's going on my mind?

19/1/07 :

as i told you, i have a crush on someone. i know it's a crush because... i realise another shadow is still inside my heart... i thought i've given him up. it's been many times i tell him and myself that i have moved on, living a life that's without him. it seems quite so, and i thought i'm doing fine with life like this, without him.

Albert has been my ex for one and a half year. it really took me some time time to move on. he knew that too, he was very sorry. but it was way after we broke up then only it occurred to me that he's actually someone sent by God, to make me leave my previous boyfriend. it's just so happened, that when we first met, we were kinda clique together already, have loads of conversation, and having really good time with each other. i personally enjoy his presence. yea, enjoy, a present tense.

maybe i sounded like a bad girl in this, i couldn't explain, i really broke up with my 1st bf. i knew my heart was not with him anymore. after a week, Albert confessed his feeling towards me. i was surprised he felt the same way too. but we were happy couple for only two days, due to some reasons. honestly, it was a really tough time for me. i had lost my direction, but i liked him so much that i'd willing to give in to him. it took me a few months to heal. for several times, i thought i was fully recovered, then it appeared to be i was just covering up the cut, it's not healed. at the last time i think i was healed, i thought it's the last stitch. i really felt like i've moved on, for some distances already, and i was happy for myself too. i can take him as a usual friend and talk with a usual tone, have some casual conversation, sms him, went out for movie with him ( only the two of us )... i really thought i was doing fine...

until today. i saw him with another friend. i know that girl's not his special someone, because that girl is taken by her senior buddy. Albert was just there to accompany her for shopping. i suddenly feel like... i missed him. all those memories just came flashing back and not to mention the emotions. i'm not jealous, i don't even feel mad, just plain sad and, emptiness. another friend and i went to timesquare today, same as Albert and Jing Xian. i didn't know they were heading there too. my heart started to jump up and down when i noticed they didn't get down at Bukit Bintang station, so the next possible station would be Imbi, where Albert always likes to watch movie during weekdays after class. i went to the sony dealer to ask something regarding my new MP3 player. then we went to Borders book store. i wasn't feeling quite well this afternoon, due to the sore throat. we did sms each other in timesquare, when i was in book store and he's accompanying Jing Xian to buy shoes. my heart was warmed by every message i received from him. we didn't meet up in time square though. when i was leaving, i also sent him a message. i didn't expect him to reply, because he used to say that some " unuseful " messages doesn't need to reply. this time, he replied. even as short as " k...". this make my heart even heavier to leave that building. why?

this is the last semester for Albert and other Medicine 2nd year friends studying in my campus. around March or April they'll be leaving to HUKM, Cheras. this is also another factor i felt quite down today. i may not be meeting him , ok, them, after this separation. i thought i can let him go just like this, without any sadness... until today. the feeling just came to me, and i can feel a clock is ticking, telling me every seconds is passing me by, do i want to do anything?

on the way back to my campus to take the shuttle bus back hostel, i kept thinking...my brain didn't stop spinning. asking the same question : is he only a friend to me? or i still have a crush on him? or ... is he more than a crush to me? why he left such an impact in my heart? i didn't feel anyhthing towards my 1st ex anymore. but for Albert, sometimes i still care about him, now i still listen to the songs he likes. after Albert, i also had a few crushes with other guys, short-lived crushes. when the feeling gone, my heart still came back to him. i thought i've wipped him out of my life when every new crushes happened. there's a period when i have no crush towards anyone, then only i was feelin "normal", haa...

just now, i sms Albert again, asking him to watch movie for the last time berofe he leaves for HUKM. i just know that i'd regret if i didn't go out with him for the last time. he says yes. should i tell him how i feel towards him? it's been so long and this feeling doesn't seem to diminish. he's heard loads of time from me about this, it's when we just broke up and he understands it's very tough for me to recover. the thing is, i used to tell him that " i think i've recovered.." now suddenly come back to the original point, i wonder what's his reaction to this...

i think, Albert's more than a crush to me...the previous crush i mention? he's just a crush.