Friday, January 09, 2009

How weird is that, to have your superiors read your blog? Not to mention I've always wanted the separation between personal and working stuff, or the fact that I never would have guessed someone from my work place, somehow or rather, found my blog and read it. Yes, the purpose of this blog is to let people get to know me better. For old friends to catch up with each other, and for new friends to know me inside out instantly. In fact, that save me a lot of time of explaining about myself. I don't mind exposing the weakness or imperfection of mine, because I am suppose to be rendered with weaknesses and imperfection, aren't we all? There are frustrating and inspiring moments, and that's all I wanted to share here. I mean, as one goes through ups and downs in life, sometimes I just need a place to write it down, and believe me, posting it up in a blog has an unexplainably satisfying effect in terms of releasing pressure.
The akwardness of knowing someone at your work place personally, yet at the same time, wish to maintain the formality between you, it's easier said than done. I don't need them to read about my debating life, my thesis and studies, my friends, my thought on Palestinian refugees, my wish-lists of books (if they really have read that much of this blog), and the least, about my share of experience working there. I cannot help but to wonder if it's also taken into account as part of the staff evaluation, indirectly. Even if I am not going to work there permanently, I wish to maintain a good working relationship with my colleagues and superiors. I want to come to work, get my job done with mininal mistakes, then go back and get paid. I don't need any more-than-just-work elements to come in the way, and drawing attention to myself is the last thing I need.

Come to think of it, if not because I used the trademarked name of my work place, my chief manager wouldn't have summoned me into the office and talked to me, and I wouldn't have guessed that someone at my work place found this blog of mine and read me inside out. Yes, spooky indeed, the fact that there are unexpected readers of this blog. Of course I understand that once I've posted it in the internet, that means everyone can read it. But it never ever came to my mind that someone whom I treat with formality will read my personal posts.

For long time readers, you may have noticed that I've deleted a number of posts due to the possible conflict between me and my employing company. I understand the posts may in one way or another, harm the good name of my employer, without my intending to. When my manager tried to reason to me before asking me to do something about my posts, my mind has had a speed debate and -ding- I was convinced to delete the related posts for the benefits of myself, and everyone else.

From now on, I wish my colleagues and superiors will stop visiting this page and leave my personal space to myself. I was at the verge of deleting the entire blog the moment I realise there are extremely unpredictable readers. I honestly felt my right to privacy has been invaded when I was told about it, the sense of loosing control of something I thought I have always been in control of. I saw my integrity as a competent employee shattered. And I was abashed the fact that now all managers know about me and him. 

And for a very long time, I fear of what to share here. I got paranoia if the constant scrutinisation will crash my image further. I dreaded to let my mind flow as my fingers typed on the keyboards. Yet I hold back everything for fear of judgement from my readers, whom I am now unfamiliar of. I need my blog. I need to write, albeit the inability to write beautifully, or the uncharming grammartical errors here and there.

Anyhow, I doubt I can control my pool of readers. Hence, at the end, I still think what Joseph told me was really a lesson, that I should be more careful with the things I write here.

And I wish to go swimming, after my blocked nose has been cured. Seriously. Because of this, I seem to have forgotten how was it like to be able to sleep soundly for more than 2 hours. And I wish to borrow Twilight from Xu Vin, soon. And I am going to church this Sunday, finally! And I am still addicted to Milo. 

And I think I really need more debate training. I am having difficulty to think and counter my own thoughts in lightning speed, need longer time to organise thoughts, and haven't been reading newspapers for weeks! GOSH! I need to know what is the progress in UN about Israel and Palestine, about Tamil Tiger, if Thailand is going to hold another election, if US is going to bail out their adult entertainment industry like how they bailed out their auto-maker industry. And I wonder if the military junta in Myanmar or North Korea ever suffered downturn from the credit crunch. 

And I wish I could finish reading Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book before I buy Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper.

1 comment:

Xu Vin said...

its true. that i always thought blogs, facebook, (even friendster) is used by diff ppl 4 diff purposes. some ppl use it 2 paint their personality, what they want a certain group of ppl or a certain sumbody for that matter to think of who they are. some innocent ppl just wan 2 vent out their thoughts and let certain discreet amount of ppl noe wads going on in their life elsewhr, 2 catch up w frens. sum ppl use it 2 gain popularity or to spread evil literally. lol. in the end the internet n its accessibility limits or defeats our purposes. tough rite. i once tot of filtering my old blog b4 or deleting certain things in my fcbk account. maybe next time. hehe. for now stil a student, forgiven 4 eccentricities n certain antics. :P get Twilight frm me! :P