Friday, October 30, 2009

How I wish I could say what I want to. But even if I have the freedom to, sometimes it's just politically incorrect to do so, or people'd not expect you to say it.

I'm really emotional in the past one month's time. If it's hormonal imbalance, I just want to clarify that I don't take steroids and I am not pregnant. Totally not.

Thanks for pulling my leg, it could make me feel like I'm still a part of you guys. But I'm a Little Old Lady who is undergoing mid-life crisis. Things are different and you can't understand if you don't try to. I am not trying to make things up or exaggerate the situation, but I am more sensitive than usual, I can't help it.

I have this strong sense of not being wanted or appreciated or loved or noticed or cared, in the past few weeks. Someone asks me to appreciate the people around me now. Honestly, I've been doing it and I feel tired already, because I have forgotten how it's like to be treated in that way. Don't tell me God will understand how I feel. Of course He does. But, so? Don't tell me God will give me free flow of love supply for me to love others in return. Because I doubt if people would be glad to receive it from me anymore. They probable have found a cooler love supplier. Someone who is not too old for everything.

Psychiatric treatment is not covered in insurance. But maybe I do need one now. Because by putting a price tag on the time then only will someone spend it on me. What I need is just to have you sit next to me and breathe.


Xu Vin said...

i cant say i totally feel wad u're going thru. that would be reli naive. i get feeling-alone times once a while in life, maybe for a few hours, or one day, but i've never experienced it for as long as u did. so it's unjustified for me to say i totally noe what u're going thru.

i tot of it 4 sum time. ppl offer kind words but it comes n goes. how long can a comforting word stay in mind to touch u deep enough anw right. not everlasting. ppl show acts of appreciation. but its a momentary sense of belonging n being loved perhaps. some longer, some shorter, depending on the mutual relationship between the ppl. n it may, or may not fill the emptiness u experience.

but sth struck me. just just now. that while we doubt God's ability and His grace, sometimes these moments are there to pull us back to Him once again to draw ourselves to Him for the comfort n love bcz the ppl ard us no longer r able to give us what we need.

God's grace is abundant, but sometimes we have to ask for it. n keep asking. dun look at it as if we're expecting God to grant us priviledges n keep giving us Cher. bcz i tink God wans to provide for us. but b4 He does that, He wans to noe that u trust Him enough to ask it from Him n noe that He will provide for u.

God is so great. it doesnt cost Him to pour blessings onto us. but we have to have faith to trust He will n is able to provide for us.

dun burden urself anymore Cher. u're tired. u got 2 ask God for that replenishment n keep asking n asking, bcz that is what is left in the end. like how Job was thrown into the deepest darkest time of his life until even he, a reli God loving n faithful man, started questioning God n started doubting Him. but he was thrown into such despair that he had no 1 to turn to except God alone. in the end God blessed him so so abundantly.

n in the end u'll be able to see and understand why. why all these. n why u. bcz God has His plans. n timing.

be bold Cher and just cry out to Him.

i love you.


L'Homme said...

why so sad??? Seriously not Ma Cherie... Did aliens kidnapped Cher Linn?? Give you my L.o.v.e. now... Take it and be Happy!!!

Mike said...

There, there. We all have down time now and again. You just need to have some more fun in the context of your own life and you get over it. I do the same.