Almost There

Have you ever felt how frustrating it is to be SO close to your dream but you're just not there yet? The euphoria of dreaming to touch the stars the moment you close your eyes, you shout in your heart that: "YES, I'm gonna make it!" yet at the next moment, when you open your eyes to the reality, you can't help but to realise that you're not going to make it after all, no matter how far you've come, and how you're just an inch away from it.

Oh well, at least you're just an inch away from it. Sometimes, the distance is far greater for some people that it actually stops them from dreaming anymore.

Is it wrong..?

to keep staring at his lips?

His name is Roy. It's the only thing I remember about him, information which is not even told by himself.

If you have known that you cannot stop staring at him and go blank while he's telling you about himself, maybe you should have asked for his number, or email, something which is more practical, huh, HUH?

Well done, tangcherlinn, well done. You can help yourself with the rope. Now.

stop it stop it stop it radiant stop it stop it stop it sexy curves stop it stop it inviting stop it stop it stop it nicely shaped stop it stop it STOP IT! Don't you dare smiling at me in my dream!

Wandering Heart

I couldn't help but to start thinking of what to pack and what to DO on the train back home for CNY. I've taken half day leave on Thursday 11/2/10 to go back in that afternoon. Yes, traveling by train! I'm really looking forward to it even though it's not the first time already.

Before that, I need to buy the roast pork slices (what do you call that in English actually?) for my mum from one of the famous shop here. I bought some home during Christmas upon her special request. I never get crazy over it but my mum seemed to be very happy. Hence I'm going to do that everytime I go home :)

Besides, I'm going to make sure I've got my sweater ready, MP3 fully charged and preferably with some new songs, a WordSearch puzzle and a pen, and also, the Tetris gameboy! Oh yeah, may need to buy some batteries for back-up as well. Oops, looks like I've forgotten to name the book I want to bring with me for this trip. That African book is with Jeremy! Hope the condition of the book is still alright :) Maybe I'll just stick to Jodi Picoult's Handle With Care for now. And some tissue with me as I read, just in case.

Sigh, and will be out of Internet for 6 hours. SIX hours! And I'm going to take train come back KL as well. Total will be at least 12 hours! Half a day without Internet, rawr! Hope the train does not delay please please please!

And, I am confirmed not going for my company trip to China now. I know I have given up a golden opportunity to travel with minimal expenses, and definitely will miss a lot of fun with my colleagues. There are some reasons I gave it up. And I someone feel peaceful with the decision now. Thank God I have found a replacement so I don't have to bear the cost. Hope everyone will have a wonderful experience there!

As for now, STUDY! I attended a short course on basic insurance principles in Malaysian Insurance Institute today. Boy the speaker was great! Enjoyed his class and he made me want to prepare myself better for tomorrow's session. After much thinking, I have decided to take up diploma subjects on insurance soon. My Dad a.k.a. the big boss encourages me. I like superiors and colleagues who encourage one's continuous development in the career. I need to check out the class schedule and my financial capability first. Hope everything will work out.

That's all for now. And people please use Google Calendar and share it with me! Or Wave, or both, please? :D

Seriously seriously?

Burning down churches doesn't make me angry. Not even a bit. I was only frustrated that some Malaysians are still unbelievably uncivilised. What makes me really mad is that the police actually spend time screening through posts in Facebook and track down people who "abuse" the online social tool. They actually take everything posted in Facebook seriously. Like, seriously seriously? Which era are they living in now?

We are living in the era where we don't just rely on one source for information, or easily being influenced by something said in a website. Even news in The Economist or New York Times, though everything has been edited and proof-read before publishing it online, the readers still have the responsibility to analyse the information and think critically whenever they read.

What's more, it's just an online social tool called Facebook, hello? It's true that many people are using it. But come on, who actually take things seriously in Facebook? It's more to a place for most people to NOT be themselves rather than the other way round. My Typing Maniac scores actually beat yours, I can so totally put it in my resume to apply work. Someone offered to splash petrol in churches if only any one would pay him, and this fellar got caught because of offering it, irregards if it was for real or other wise. How about those who had actually splashed petrol or red paints at churches? Where are they? Are they caught?

Don't think as the government has given a sum of money to repair the damage, the issue is over. We are still waiting to hold the real culprit responsible. After all, the money that the government gave away, comes from OUR pockets, too. Why do all of us have to be responsible for the damages when it wasn't us who started the fire at the first place?

Even if you were to charge one to serve as the warning message for the rest, to make everyone view this sensitivity issue seriously, I assure you that no one is going to take you seriously from now. We took the law seriously. We followed it. But what will happen if we don't? Nothing. Someone throw cow head in a Hindu temple, nobody got kick out of country even if he did not abide to the constitutional law that says we have to be respectful to others' religion. Someone smashed the cars, destroy properties that were not theirs, but the police defended the criminals by saying the smashing-cars issue were only rumors. Someone damaged the worship places, by fire or by red paints, the police sat in front of the computer checking Facebook. Someone stole the jets and sold them to a company in South America, but no one was hold accountable. Two freakingly huge jets for goodness sake! And nobody actually noticed that they were gone instantly?!

They can't catch the big fish, then maybe some small ikan bilis will do, huh? After all the People only want to see some result, no? And soon we will clap hands that some people were caught and made it to the headline of national newspaper, even if he is not necessarily responsible for the actual crime. Because we need to blame it to someone else, and close the case, and focus on 1Malaysia.

Malaysia Boleh.

Troubled Soul

Sometimes we thought our politicians are stupid. But I guess they're pretty smart when they know where to pick to stir people's heart, make themselves the center of attention and everyone talks about them - the whole free publicity package. I wanted to ignore the whole fiasco, assuming that everyone who has a sound mind can make their own judgement about what is right and wrong. But the fact that places of worship were burnt down and cars with symbols of Christianity were smashed proved that Malaysian is still far from achieving this expectation.

Or maybe we used to understand the idea of being respectful and tolerance to others. We used to have the kind of pure friendship that crosses cultural, religious, ethnic, racial borders. We understood we were different, yet we're so similar that we can speak each other's language. We were excited about the diversity. Our innocence gave us a pure heart. We loved each other so much that it aches me to see others condemn your beliefs even if I'm of different religion.

But what happen, is more than just confusion about religion (if there's any). I'd forgive one who acts without understanding. It's pitiful they have yet to understand the beauty of each religion, or the idea of religion means living a purposeful life guided with righteousness and truth.

But what I see, is the seed of pseudo-superiority being planted in the hearts of certain group of people, the abuse of religion by political leaders who does not put the people's best interest first. Even if they seem like championing your religion, seem to act with faith to fight evilness, do not be fooled by what you see.

Making one religion a national religion, doesn't make it a more superior religion in a country. Giving special rights and privileges to a group of people doesn't mean they shall forever stand at a higher ground and rule the rest. Sadly, when these two situation have been in-stored for too long in a country, the seed of superiority grows wild. With constant supply of fertilizers and sufficient surviving factors, it gets out of control, like a cancer. And eventually it spreads like virus to infect more people. The innocent will have their mindset distorted. They are CONFUSED by the blessings they received, which were taken out from the pockets of those who don't. They have changed, taken things for granted, and expected more to be given to them because they are "suppose" to be treated differently at the first place due to their superior status, at the cost of others' dreams and expectation.

They claim it is to avoid confusion. However, the more you want to protect a community from confusion, the more they are vulnerable to deviation and confusion that basically exist in every aspects in their life. I am decidophobe, I hate making decision but I know sometimes I just cannot avoid it. Making a decision makes me understand myself better. Likewise for being confused. Nobody like to be confused. We like things to be crystal clear, and easy to understand. But unfortunately confusing factors are every where. In fact, we have to live by walking out of confusions with better understanding and wisdom, so that we can grow as a human who thinks with their brain.

They claim it's because of the issue of sensitivity. That even if their holy book does not say the word is exclusive to them, but because if they are using the word, others who also use it may confuse their believers. That the community who profess in that faith is too large for us to ignore the diverse socioeconomic background, and hence their religious education level as well. That others have to understand that many of them have yet to grasp the essence of their teachings and hence a sensitive word may cause great confusion and deviation from the truth. But how about they confusing the other party who are also using it instead? Are they proudly committing crimes which themselves condemn? Every religion is perfect. You just need to have a little more faith in your religion to see that. If you don't, then it's too bad. No matter what others do, or DON'T do, it cannot help you to understand it better if you don't play your part.

Conflicts that stem out of religious differences do not only paint a bad picture of the side who started it, but also to the whole idea about religion. Atheist all around the world are happily condemning the existence of religion and the chaos caused by its differences. Burning down worship places only add to their list of evidences and reasonings that religion is a bad thing. Probably the following arguments are God does not exist and even if He does, He loves shedding of blood and hatred among its people. While the faithful have been working hard to restore the good image and debated hard to rescue God's kingdom, their own brothers and sisters are the one ruining their effort. Students were forced to swallow the entire History text books (which was more to History of a particular religion than the history of other happenings) and again forced to attend TITAS which was more to the said religion teaches Peace (like DUH, every other religion teaches Peace, too, ok?) for damages that they did not contribute, but their forefathers. Maybe the fight should stop now, already?

On the ruling of the High Court. It just shows how insignificant a decision from our High Court is. No matter how "high" it is, it's not higher than the Home Ministry's hand, it is no higher than the threat of the short-tempered, it is no higher than those who are too short to see that they are no more superior than others when it comes to obeying the law. It doesn't matter if the judge was a wise judge or the decision was made after days and nights of whole case studying and legal-clauses scrutiny. All it matters, is to entertain those who speak loudly, act violently, or anything that can be defined as terrorism.

I honestly love Malaysia and love my Muslim friends. I still do. Despite the fact that my fellow Christian brothers and sisters were being prosecuted because of the conflict with their religion, despite some people were committing evil acts in their name, despite the fact that we are different and inherently worship different Gods (but some say it's the same, yet it doesn't really matter). Because I understand what love is. Do you?

Whatever that happens, please remember to come back to Him. Refer His Words to find out the truth and ask for better understanding about His teachings. Because all things were created by Him. To love Him, is to love all his Creation. To believe in Him, is to uphold and live out His principles.

New Desk! (edited)

I've added a desk in my room after much decidophobing thinking. And a book shelf, too. Or maybe I shouldn't call it a book shelf so that I can resist the temptation to fill it up with more books (and not finish reading them).

Before the addition, the makeshift cotton wardrobe is in the room, on the left. There is already a table in the room but apparently it is not big enough for me to do something productive at it, i.e., studying. Eventually I found out that the said wardrobe can be replaced with a small desk (which alone is too small to be my study desk as well), and join with the existing table to give me sufficient space!

So here it is. The brown shelf on the left is also a new addition.

While the wardrobe is shifted to the door.

And if I were to put down my bed to sleep, it looks like this:

Hope I can get use to the new arrangement pretty soon :)

One God

Come ON, people! It's only a word! How many times do you have to appeal to AVOID someone mentioning the existence of God? Huh? HUH? Oh, unless you:

(a) believe in the existence of more than ONE God hence you make other people to use other names for their God(s). Let's say the word is a Kata Nama Khas, and there's only one God. Hence there should only be one name for Him. Period. If it's a Kata Nama Am, in whatever language it is, anyone who can speak may have the right to speak in the language that they're comfortable in, especially on this personal matter of religion and faith.

(b) believe that your religion is much more superior than others' hence you can copyright the word and maybe later the entire language. Language will then no longer be an art, because art has no boundaries. Language will no longer be a part of a culture to represent your identity. Because outsider cannot understand you, let alone the uniqueness of your so-called identity.

(c) your religion only center around that particular word and not the messages He wants to convey to you. Look at what you're doing, really. You spent day and night defending the word. What have we all learnt from you about your religion? That the word is exclusive to your religion. Period. What does your religion teach the followers? Love? Peace? We cannot really see that - You actually needed our PM to urge you to remain calm after the High Court ruled that some other people may use the word too. I wonder how peaceful our PM thought you were. But we're pretty sure it contains one word that means one God. But what does the one God teach us? Nevermind, it's not that important. Just remember the word. Don't you prefer more people to understand your religion beyond just the exclusivity of the word? Mind you, the word is not exclusive to your religion at the very first place. While all you care, is the word. Great.

That's how you show respect to the decision made by the High Court, huh? That whatever decision you don't like, you throw tantrum and let someone come and calm you down, and appeal against the decision for gazillion times until it's ruled otherwise. I have wasted my time wondering what is the job scope of Home Ministry and what are we paying them for.

with a bang

There was once a new friend I met only over a weekend told me that I was a person who knew what I wanted and what I didn't, and made choices accordingly. For my friends who've known me better, they'd laugh at the fact a decidophobe like me actually received such comment. But as I pondered upon it, I guessed that new friend was quite correct, too. He said it during our dim sum breakfast in Ipoh. He saw me eagerly waiting for waiter to pass by so that I could order an egg tart, while firmly turning down someone's offer for other dish. And like wise for other dishes, what I wanted to try next, what I didn't bother to touch.

I guess the year of 2009 was a year I was given opportunity to explore myself - what I want in life, what I can tolerate to get something I want in return, what I would love to do for the rest of my life, what are my priorities, what are my heart longings. And with this, I have to say I am glad I did depend on God for direction.

However, the part I did wrong, was that I didn't put God first in everything. Many times we only come to seek God's help when we've run out of resources or ideas, and needed direction on where to go next. It should have been the other way round - ask God for His permission before we are to do anything. You might be surprised that even at the things you were very positive on, God might say otherwise because He had a bigger plan you couldn't see back then.

The first half of the year, I was busy with my thesis - the lab phase and writing phase. Both were draining but fun. I learnt that: I shall not involve in research work anymore, and I strongly prefer English over BM. Back then I thought it was because I attended kindergarten which used English as the medium that has the impact on me. But now I understand that English does have this natural appeal to me - thinking and speaking wise, and I am so comfortable with the language that I must make it a part of my life. My thesis went well, as well as my entire final semester as a Biomedical Science degree student. I closed the chapter with gratefulness to God. And yes, graduation ceremony was on 15th August 2009 :)

Invasion of Aliens and a bear with brain tumor. Bodoh :)

And went to Lang Tengah as well. I love the sky and the sea.

Before I began my second half of the year, the time I placed my virgin steps into working world for full time, I consulted God for my working life and future ahead. I put it in God's hand and prayed that He will send me to live for His purpose in me. I believe things may not be permanent, that I may have to move on to some where when the time comes. But the most important thing is not to loose focus to serve God. At every point in our life, there will be different callings and different needs. Every phases is a way God trying to shape us for a bigger purpose ahead. Instead of being complacent at the current good time, I need to remember to stay alert at the moment God calls.

Right now I am working in a good company, with a good future. The way I define comfort zone in a work place, is not so much of easy job and easy money, but the colleagues and leaders I am privilege to have. I thought racial harmony only exists between friends, not formal acquaintanceship such as in the office. Racial remarks and judgmental accusation were common among my coursemates back in university. Maybe that are how professionals act. We're all here to get things done. If you're committed, then you're one of us. More to that, is the chemistry we share. I couldn't find a place among my coursemates, because I often find that we think differently. But I have cliqued well with my colleagues there. They share the photos of their children, talk about their family, offer to lend me books on insurance, invite me to join their lunch-mate group, drop by to ask about my weekends, forward email about book fair, and many other kindnesses I receive. My General Manager (among us the senior colleagues will refer him as our big brother, while the junior ones like me will refer him as our dad, haha!) actually spent some time to advise me to take extra insurance courses as soon as possible, because I am still fresh from university and am still familiar with study mode, compared to other married, more senior colleagues. The colleagues I have in my department are patient and helpful. I learn that, to work in a team, communication is very, if not the most, important. We keep each other informed about every cases through forwarded emails (for the sake of keeping record) and verbal communication. And that's how efficiency in providing information to other department is maintained even if one of us is not around.

On another note, deep down, I hear a longing to go out and be part of the WHO/UN volunteers for under-privilege countries - medical wise. I actually went to their websites to look for ways to apply, but failed. For now, I'll keep this passion in mind, until I am mature for the jobs - qualification is 3 years of working experience. I am not sure why I am very much attracted to Africa. It all started when Ai Huey told me to do a debate assignment on conflicts in Africa. I searched the net for the information. The interest does not stop there. I found The White Men's Burden by William Easterly and later, Commission for Africa: Our Common Interest - An Argument by Bob Geldof, both books are on nature of Africa and what policies work or don't, on that piece of unique land. Yes, unique is the way to describe what that continent has gone through and the consequences it is facing now, subject to the diverse cultural background of every clans and tribes present. I learn that, country is not a way to address the continent if we were to help them, but by acknowledging the existence of different clans that make up the entire community is. Because separation of a clan and forced integration of different clans were the main conflicts that resulted the many crisis which plaque the land, other than poor governance and outer factors.

To sum up my 2009, I cannot not give credit and acknowledgment to a group of friends I love deeply, for their presence and the fun I received. 2009 being a year of self-exploration, I learnt to understand what I can give up and what I would give up for. Despite the fact that I have graduated, I am still learning from them, and growing with them. I learn that love is perfect. I learn that no one can be replaced or replicated no matter how much others are trying to mimic them. I appreciate the time to hang out with them to feel that I still have a life. I thought I have given a lot to them. But no, they have given me much more in return. They gave me assurance about myself. They give me a space among them. They gave me an avenue to express my thoughts. They let me make fun of them brought me joy and love through good times and bad times. They inspired me to look up and think out of the box. They taught me different ways to look at life and appreciate the randomness and differences. They make me smile.

UM Royals 2009

A separate debate event in UM as well, not sure if it's in 2009.

Ai Huey's pre-wedding party

Christmas with housemates

Went to Istana Budaya for Puteri Gunung Ledang

So that's about it for my 2009. It's been a great year. I hope my 2010 be a great year, too, with more guidance from God, and to make a difference :) Cheers!