CNY

Chinese New Year is
- to race my sister up the stairs to see who can lock another out of the room :)
- to face the cruel fact that the kitchen STILL doesn't like me, and vice versa, too.
- to settle down at the dining table and have a peaceful dinner with my family.
- to realise that Friends is still me favourite TV show, every episodes of it!
- to laugh at the cartoons on TV with my brother, just like the old days.
- to stuff myself silly with Mandarin oranges and cookies like nobody's business, and think of ways to smuggle some of them back hostel.
- to spam everyone's Facebook wall with festive greetings, and get tonnes of email notifications later about their replies on mine :)
- to pour soup into my bowl of rice then only eat it with other dishes, just like when I was a kid. I don't have a chance to do that when I'm in uni. And home cooked soups and dishes beat every meals outside. Take that, you fancy restaurants!
- to feel the pain of not being able to read sms-es in Mandarin: my hp (which is from UK, thanks Tuna, groans..) is a Banana like some people thought I am, come on! NOOO~ OK, those who sent me Mandarin sms-es of course know I can read in that language, and I still love the hp ;)

Happy Chinese New Year everyone, even if you're not a Chinese or you're not celebrating it at all, wish you have a fantastic (tired of using the word "Awesome" already. "Brilliant" is my new choice of word *smile*) year ahead, filled with blessings and love.

Cheers!

Emo

It's the way I can always find the perfect spot on your shoulder to comfortably rest my head on. It's the way you can whisper to me and I can listen to your steady heartbeat. It's the fact that you're the first and only person who knows the absolutely perfect strength to use when you're giving me a massage at my shoulder. It's the way your eyes speak to my heart.

I'm a loser,  for I still miss you.

When was the last time I was healthy?

I've been sick for more than a week. From dry cough to cough with sputum to flu to fever and headache, and mild lethargy all the time. I always take it for granted that it might just be the usual cough and flu sickness that will recover eventually, without medical intervention. But seems like it's going to take longer than usual this time. Hope it's not something bad. Maybe I left my antibodies at Kinokuniya that day. 

When I am sick, and feeling very weak all over, only I realise that I've taken health for granted. The comfort of sleeping in any position without my airways being obstructed, the ability to do the chores, to walk and smell the flowers, and the appetite! I haven't eaten anything for the past 20 hours and I still don't feel like eating anything, not even to fantasize about any of my favourite food. Maybe it's because of the flu. I can't even remember how does Starbucks' caramel machiato taste like. I've forgotten the good time when I was healthy. All I know now is dizziness and weird stomach. 

Last night my fever got so bad that I went knocking my neighbours' doors to ask for Pandadol. And I realise a lot of them don't keep Pandadol for emergency purposes, same as me. Since I was a kid, I've always had difficulty in swallowing pills. That why my parents don't have to worry about me getting high on ecstasy pills.

Till here. I need to get back on the bed. Tired and dizzy, again.

How weird is that, to have your superiors read your blog? Not to mention I've always wanted the separation between personal and working stuff, or the fact that I never would have guessed someone from my work place, somehow or rather, found my blog and read it. Yes, the purpose of this blog is to let people get to know me better. For old friends to catch up with each other, and for new friends to know me inside out instantly. In fact, that save me a lot of time of explaining about myself. I don't mind exposing the weakness or imperfection of mine, because I am suppose to be rendered with weaknesses and imperfection, aren't we all? There are frustrating and inspiring moments, and that's all I wanted to share here. I mean, as one goes through ups and downs in life, sometimes I just need a place to write it down, and believe me, posting it up in a blog has an unexplainably satisfying effect in terms of releasing pressure.

The akwardness of knowing someone at your work place personally, yet at the same time, wish to maintain the formality between you, it's easier said than done. I don't need them to read about my debating life, my thesis and studies, my friends, my thought on Palestinian refugees, my wish-lists of books (if they really have read that much of this blog), and the least, about my share of experience working there. I cannot help but to wonder if it's also taken into account as part of the staff evaluation, indirectly. Even if I am not going to work there permanently, I wish to maintain a good working relationship with my colleagues and superiors. I want to come to work, get my job done with mininal mistakes, then go back and get paid. I don't need any more-than-just-work elements to come in the way, and drawing attention to myself is the last thing I need.

Come to think of it, if not because I used the trademarked name of my work place, my chief manager wouldn't have summoned me into the office and talked to me, and I wouldn't have guessed that someone at my work place found this blog of mine and read me inside out. Yes, spooky indeed, the fact that there are unexpected readers of this blog. Of course I understand that once I've posted it in the internet, that means everyone can read it. But it never ever came to my mind that someone whom I treat with formality will read my personal posts.

For long time readers, you may have noticed that I've deleted a number of posts due to the possible conflict between me and my employing company. I understand the posts may in one way or another, harm the good name of my employer, without my intending to. When my manager tried to reason to me before asking me to do something about my posts, my mind has had a speed debate and -ding- I was convinced to delete the related posts for the benefits of myself, and everyone else.

From now on, I wish my colleagues and superiors will stop visiting this page and leave my personal space to myself. I was at the verge of deleting the entire blog the moment I realise there are extremely unpredictable readers. I honestly felt my right to privacy has been invaded when I was told about it, the sense of loosing control of something I thought I have always been in control of. I saw my integrity as a competent employee shattered. And I was abashed the fact that now all managers know about me and him. 

And for a very long time, I fear of what to share here. I got paranoia if the constant scrutinisation will crash my image further. I dreaded to let my mind flow as my fingers typed on the keyboards. Yet I hold back everything for fear of judgement from my readers, whom I am now unfamiliar of. I need my blog. I need to write, albeit the inability to write beautifully, or the uncharming grammartical errors here and there.

Anyhow, I doubt I can control my pool of readers. Hence, at the end, I still think what Joseph told me was really a lesson, that I should be more careful with the things I write here.

And I wish to go swimming, after my blocked nose has been cured. Seriously. Because of this, I seem to have forgotten how was it like to be able to sleep soundly for more than 2 hours. And I wish to borrow Twilight from Xu Vin, soon. And I am going to church this Sunday, finally! And I am still addicted to Milo. 

And I think I really need more debate training. I am having difficulty to think and counter my own thoughts in lightning speed, need longer time to organise thoughts, and haven't been reading newspapers for weeks! GOSH! I need to know what is the progress in UN about Israel and Palestine, about Tamil Tiger, if Thailand is going to hold another election, if US is going to bail out their adult entertainment industry like how they bailed out their auto-maker industry. And I wonder if the military junta in Myanmar or North Korea ever suffered downturn from the credit crunch. 

And I wish I could finish reading Neil Gaiman's The Graveyard Book before I buy Jodi Picoult's My Sister's Keeper.

I always wonder how to do this like, seriously.

Speechless.

Abashed. Totally. 

Exhausted. Very. 

Sick. Wrong Timing. 

Enough. 

Grateful. Leaving.

Breathe. Period.

Of Awesome People

It happens after every tournament, especially Royals, my favourite tournament of the year,  irregards of whichever university as the host. We always put much emphasis on it, and send as many members as possible. Seniors will try to come back and visit us, and we'd have a lot fun with everyone's company.

UKM Junior 2 which consisted of Beatrice, Jessie and Jason broke into Semi, an achievement which's totally out of my expectation. I believe the intensive training camp before the tournament really worked. I myself saw a great leap in improvement in every speakers in the team. Beatrice has been smartly dynamic and quick in response, qualities in first speaker that I admire; Jessie has become a stronger second speaker, with better elaboration and structure, and Jason spoke with equally confident momentum to kill, not to mention the occasional astounding wits that choked us off breath.

UKM Senior 1 which consisted of Ganeshree, Darryl and Lau broke into Final, meeting UM head on. Though we settled with something less than the Royal trophy, I'm still very proud of how far the three of them had gone through to be at this stage. From their first year, second year, and third year for Ganeshree. I'm glad that I was involved in a part of the process, albeit just a little. Ganeshree has always been the lead speaker I admire - strong, confident and responsive. Darryl's analysis never failed to make us proud, despite the fact that he looked like a boy next door that can be easily pushed around, haha! And Lau's speech in final testified how he deserved to be in the Final.

Dev, Lau and Darryl's effort in red tapes must not be left out as we praise everone's commitment in the debating team. The three of them had to prepare the proposal for funding, arrange training, accommodation, transport, get seniors and juniors coming for trainings, food and etc. They've dedicated much more time and attention than we know into all these preparation to make sure that everyone's well taken care off and things go smoothly. Reliable leaders indeed, whom the team is privileged to treasure.

And the seniors, who're always here for the team: Ai Huey, Jun Hoe, Fea and Jerry, to give guidance, and Alia, Sek Kuan and Swee Kheng for their omnipresent support. Tournaments are always great with their presence. Coffee doses aside, more importantly is their genuine companies. The chance to meet up with them, albeit for a few hours, has always been undescribably great moments to be remembered. It reminds me of the time when I first started off in debate, their unfailing love and patience in inspiring me to become a better debater, and a better person as a whole. In them I experience genuine friendship that needs no words to acknowledge the fact that we appreciate each other deeply.

Last but not least, the juniors who have just joined the team, the magnet of the team. This bunch of kiddos are really interesting and adorable, everyone of them, in their own ways. They went all the way out to buy flowers for the teams, made AWESOME cards for the seniors, accused seniors as murders and conspired to kick old people out of the game early in the game, McD maniac, bimbo and random, dramatic and mischevious, warm hugs and inspiring, and many more that I really appreciate them for. If this is the way to wrap up my debating journey, I'd smile, and say that 

Thanks for making my debating life an awesome and beautiful one, I love you guys.

Missing you guys already,

Cher Linn

Tachycardia

The comfort of sitting next to him, in a manual car. The sense of security and reliability. The casual chats and the unexplainable peace in heart. The secret joy when he missed the turning when he was talking to me.

The racing heartbeats as I turn in every night, looking forward to the next morning. Drown myself in the thoughts of him, the smile on my face needs no effort. His warm stare pierces into my heart, I can't help the addiction to this sinfully adorable boy.

The joy as he strikes a simple conversation with me, the sour as he does with others. His mistery background, his randomness, his commitment and passion, his humor, his calmness, his friendliness, his ... his ... huggableness!!

Smiling at the sunshine which melts my heart,

Cher Linn

I Found My Shopping Mate!

It took me so long to realise that my perfect shopping mate is Lorraine, who's also from UKM KL Campus and staying in KTSN for three years now. Next semester is my final semester here in UKM. I'd love to go out with her for at least one more time. To shop like sisters.

We are definitely not professional shopaholic. We do love to shop, but both of us cannot shop for more than two hours in a day (correction: her limit is four hours, mine is two), have no sense of direction and are technophobes. After laughing our stress off by watching Madagascar Escape2Africa in GSC, we window-shopped around Time Square. There is not my usual type of shopping place. But today somehow I felt like having a look around at the shoes and make ups and clothes and bags and hair clips. We admired the same design of dress separately, then told each other about it, only to find out that it's actually the same dress, haha =) And we also coincidentally felt like ending our shopping spree with Secret Recipe cakes and frost drink. We talked and laughed and talked and laughed since we met up in KTSN bus stop in the evening, till we parted after we reached KTSN.

She bought herself a CLEO magazine, while I bought myself a handphone pouch. We didn't buy a lot of things, but we are two happy girls (was thinking of saying we're two Happy Tree Friends, but nah.. lol)

Cheers! =)

IT'S HEART-BREAKING TO KNOW YOUR FRIEND IS IN SADNESS YET YOU'RE NOT SURE WHAT YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ENOUGH TO MAKE THINGS CLEAR TO HIM THAT HE SHOULD STOP SELF-PITYING.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD A SOFT HEART THAT FEELS EVERYTHING.

Reconsider

One hardly knows how much his words can move mountains. Needless to know the reasons behind a decision, but by mere questions one instills doubt on the decision which was thought to be firmly made. He just has the flair to do so. It could be the other's nature of indecissiveness. Or maybe she is known to have the softest heart to be exploited. Of course, one didn't mean to insist that things go his way, nor did he want to use his authority to exploit. Yet, decision's sent back to be reconsidered, without judgement.

The thought of changing priority. To finally put oneself ahead of others in the list. To let go and focus on things at hand, on dreams ahead. She thought she's made up her mind, and things have laid out according to her plan, too. Changing the plan is like risking the probability to achieve her goals for which plans had been made and carried out at the first place. For the people whom she has the largest soft spot for.

Indecisive? Because she loves them too much.

Love them so much that she changed her mind and willing to take the risk. For one last time.

If I called you "Ass" that means I adore you very much.