confusion?

21/7/07 (beautiful saturday)

i never know there'd be anything besides going to church will shake my stand to attend any debating briefing at bangi and meet my debater friends there. Really. until last thursday.

"this saturday? Harry potter? huh...but i'm suppose to bring the KTSN debate juniors to bangi for their first briefing regarding the VC cup.."

"Sunday will be too rush for us, you have church in the morning, i also have activity at night."

After we struggled through some negotiation, i decided to give up the debate briefing and opt for movies with Albert. If i were to attend the briefing, what i need to do is just bringing them there and back. i can trust Gab to do this.. So here goes, my "personal" issue that made me couldn't attend the briefing that day. But this time, i really take it seriously, it's a big thing for me, i really want to put it at highest priority, even above debate.

As i've expected, it's a great day. luckily I managed to get two tickets on friday for Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix. After my HM (co-curriculum) class on Sat, i went to Times Square to meet up with Albert. He had to come all the way from HUKM, Cheras to KL here. At first i didn't know the reason why he'd do this. Later only i found out.

I can't say the movie was great because as usual, you never expect a positive comment from someone who has read the book twice or more. In the sense of story line, i really found that it had skipped a lot, in a very rapid pace too. Yet, surprisingly, i realised that there were dialouges between the charactors which if not mistaken, not found in the book. The way they said it was like addressing some real issues we have in our life. Sorry i can't explain more on this point but there were several scenes that really make me amaze how they could have use this way to bring out different message yet maintain the plot. i quite satisfy with this movie honestly, seeing things in a new angle and learn from a supposedly -children- movie.

After movie, we visited Borders, our favourite. i bought a new book Like a Flowing River by Paulo Coelho (again, don't really remember the names). i wanted to buy another book too -- Song of a Hummed back whale by Jodi Piccoult (please, correct the names for me if you wish to) but because i ddidn't bring enough money, so got to let go the latter. Luckily, the River book is a great book, more to inspirational type and i find the joy in reading it.

After Borders, we had our dinner at Kim Gary at Sungai Wang. As usual, it's very crowded. The food there is OK la, it's not so good to the extent that can beat my mum's. Still, i enjoyed the dinner. Because of right atmosphere and right people.

This time i may not talk so much on our outing, i want to just briefly blog about our progress.

Albert always want to continue to be my friend and at the same time, try hard to make me take him as a friend too. I never see his effort. I always thought he'll never understand how i feel(felt) about us. Once i wanted to be more than just friends, once i wanted to be only friends. Once i thought i'm going to have special feeling towards him forever; once i had cruch on my debater friend whom i thought i can finally move on from Albert and accept other "special" guys in my life. I'm the one that don't really see how things work and experience how he's felt.

He came all the way here, just because i said i wanted to watch Harry potter. There are cinema around his area, but because i'm here in KL, he came here. This is his effort, to be how a friend would have been.

Stupid me went and tell him that i still miss him sometimes, ha...and made him frustrated and disappointed with me, made him felt that he has wasted his money and time to come here because i wasn't putting effort to move on. He is right. After 2 ++ years only i realise what he has struggled through, where i have stayed and not growing up. I used to think I was only making a circle even if i tried to move on. But the truth is, i don't really put much effort as he does. I also thought that he's cold blooded, never understand my feeling. But i was terribly wrong. He does understand, and i only make him feel worse when i told him about this misunderstanding.

I'm sorry, Albert. It took me so long to crawl out from the shell i made for myself. You have always been good to me even when i doubted you care. Thank you for all that you have done, and i'm looking forward to go out with you again in future, even if it means i have to give up my debate activity, even if it means i have to go back KTSN late, and i will take it as a good day off with my good old friend, enjoying pizza and fashion show from you!

keeping it low

ok ok, now i got to convince myself that my crush is really just a crush. it is only temporary, ooonly temporary. He will soon be replace by someone, say, victor from monash? Great.

Today i travelled back KL from my homwtown Penang. Sitting next to me was a Malay guy. I don't always have good impression on guys who dyed their hair, regardless of their race. But this guy is quite charming though, especially when he kissed his dad's hand before he ride on the bus, a Malay tradition which i find quite touching. Some more it's from a stylish guy, whom i thought could've forgotten all those values. That's why, it's wrong to judge someone with their appearance.

The biggest plus point for this guy is -- he treated me a chewing gum during the long journey to KL. It may sounded like a kid who is easily kidnapped just because she took a "magic sweet rubber" from a stranger. But I don't know..I was surprised by his act and even more surprised by mine -- taking his chewing gum and beaming as i thanked him.

The important thing here is -- for just a split second, just a little act, a cheap chewing gum can knock my crush out of my mind for a while. and I'm feeling great because now I know that the crush i'm having now is just another crush and there's a cure for it!! so all i have to do now is to hold on a little longer in keeping myself from confessing my feeling to Mr.Crush and let this feeling subside.

Some may say it's better to tell one how we feel towards them for there may be no tomorrow, like the 911 incident, where a lot of people didn't really get to say their last I-love-you or I'm-sorry. But this is...different. telling him will really mean there IS no tomorrow for me. i do think of telling him, but not right now. maybe after the *ahem* event, where we no longer will meet each other very frequently. bear with it, bear with it. take a deep breathe and keep it low.

May I have another chewing gum please? hee hee

perish

Australs

It's my first ever international tournament and it happened to be held in Malaysia by the debating society of Universiti institute Teknologi Mara (UiTM), whom I always have good impression about their capability in organizing tournaments, really. Participants came from pan-australasia region, to name a few -- China, Japan, Korea, Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, California, Bangladash, Indonesia, Thailand, and Malaysia. There were more than 100 teams and 90 adjudicators took part in this tournament and we stayed in Holiday Villa Subang Resort, a 5-star hotel, from 2nd July till 9th July 2007.

On 2th July, the registration day, we arrived around 12 noon at the hotel. After filling in some forms required by the organizing committee, we hanged around to wait for checking in at 2pm as we were told. Sadly to say, ever since the first task was -delayed-. We waited 30 min and another 30 min and maybe another 1 before we got to check in to our rooms. And we WERE the lucky ones because there were people who needed to wait for even longer than us to get their rooms. At first, we got only 1 triple room for 5 people, 3 males and 2 females. Of course, I was quite surprise, how could UiTM not understand it's not a very "Malaysian" thing to mix boys and girls in a same room although we understand every word of "to cut cost". Hence, we tried to ask the committee again about this, see if there's any extra room. To cut things short, we managed to get another room, which was meant for us at the first place, just a little mixed up at the counter. Still, we undrestand very well at how things can happen at the very first day of tournament. Besides, I believe it's the hotel's problem in managing this, not the committee, because it's very usual for customers to check out around 11 am or 12 noon and hotel has around 2 hours to do housekeeping before another customer check in. Puh-lease, it's a 5-STAR hotel ok? You have 300+ customers to check in that day didn't mean that you also have 300+ customers to check out on that day per se.

After checking in, we rested in our own rooms, while waiting for the pool party at 8pm. I was pranked by Sek Kuan and Jerry who called from their room to mine and pretended to be someone else on the phone. First call was from Sek Kuan. I was already fast asleep when the phone next to me rang. I picked it up without realising he's on the line. I must have been too blurred to recognize his voice. He said someone complaint that we're too noisy in my room and asked us (salwa and I stayed together) to slow down our volume. I was shocked. "Huh..?" At the same time, I saw the TV was on, so I thought Salwa must've turned the volume a little too high when I was asleep. I knew she was watching TV before I fell asleep. Then he went on to ask us why we were there. That's a stupid question, how could a manager or receptionist ask about our private stuff like this? But yea, I was blurr enough to answer him: "debat." I know, I'm the kind of person who's easy to be tricked and naive enough to answer these question honestly. Finally, he reminded me again not to be too noisy and -for my information- there's an old man staying next door. The sense of humour just hit me and I suddenly had the feeling that it's them who made the call! But I wasn't sure, so just remained "yes, yes." and fought down the effort to laugh becuase who knows it'll be real that an old man next door was troubled by our "noisiness" by right the TV volume wasn't that high anyway and I was fast asleep.

After i hanged up, I resumed my sleep. I wasn't very please with their act because I must not be disturbed whenever I'm asleep. Sometimes if I can fall asleep again, then it'd be fine, but when I can't, that means I'm going to have headache for the rest of the night and my attention can be deviated away easily. Soon enough, Jerry called. I've guessed it got to be him when the phone rang the second time and yea, this time I could recognize his voice. But I didn't spoil it. He pretended as someone from UiTM reminding us to be punctual for the pool party tonight. I just answered "OK" with my very sleepy tone and hanged up. And wondered if Jun Hoe'd join in their prank, which is no prank to me. I was seriously disturbed by that time and I started to feel the throbbing in my head. No. Jun Hoe didn't do this, as I expected. He is mature enough I guess. During the pool party only he told me I was pranked twice.

Around 8pm, only I reluctantly dragged myself up to change. I was eager to meet other participants, at first. I was really looking foward to socialise with them. But due to disturbed sleep, I wasn't in the mood anymore. Yet I still tried to enjoy the party. It was my first ever pool party too, and everyone was gay(happy) there, I knew keeping a straight face would do me no good. Honestly, I quite enjoyed the party too, talked to several people, exchanged names with new people and shook hand with some charming guys :-) Jerry complemented that I did a fairly good job as PR for UKM team, ha. We stayed at the party until 11pm + before we decided to call it a night after we have prep talk in my room.

On 3rd July, we had briefing for debaters and adjudicators, and also a test for adjudicators. The test was quite OK for me. After the test, we went back and Jerry attended the AIDA meeting as UKM representative. At night, we attended the official opening ceremony for this tournament and watched the puppet shadow show (wayang kulit) for the first time. The music and culture were there, but because they wanted to use English in the show, I found it quite annoying because one couldn't really appreciate the usual language they use, Bahasa Malaysia. Jun Hoe agreed that they could have use BM in the show and at the same time, add the subtitle on the screen. But, well, maybe even the UiTM didn't know what plot they wanted to play.

On 4th July, the third day, only the debating rounds started. It wasn't a pleasant day, because after the first round, we waited for very long before Hafiedz came in to tell us that there was a "bug" in the tab system and hence they had to do all the tab manually. Great. Manually. Finally, the second round, and then the third round, which started at 9pm if not mistaken. The team had 2-1 after the 3 rounds. As for me, I think I was climbing up the ladder slowly for the first day. For the first round, my name wasn't there on the tab, hence they put me as a traineee with Hafiedz so he can evaluate me personally, I guessed. Sek Kuan was a panelist during the first round. Hafeidz, the Chief Adjudicator (CA), of course will be placed in a room where good debate could be expected. I was really pressurred during my first round because it wasn't an easy round and yet if I didn't do good, i'd be placed in boring room for the next round, or worse, remained as a trainee. I couldn't believe my eyes when I couldn't find my name on the tab during the first round, I really couldn't believe they'd put me as a trainee because as the DCA discussed the adjudicator test with us, I was relieved because I did answer them correctly according to their answers. But never mind, I think God place me as a trainee during the first round was to humble myself before I thought I am wise in my own eyes. For both the second and third round, however, I was a Chair with panelists! And also in better room with better speakers. I was contended.

On 5th July, we only had 2 rounds of debate, thank God! The "manual" tab system was really driving everyone mad with long waiting hours. Between the rounds, there was a women's forum. Pretty boring to me. Sometimes I think women asked for too much though..It's good we fight for equal rights to education and voting and be respected in previously decades, but affirmative action for 1/3 of top debating teams from a particular institution must be female and "lack of experience" must not be used as an excuse to be excepted from any punishment was not a thing I agree, when you take into consideration of insufficient funding from your institution and result from the tournament is a must when return, then that's different story from fighting for equal rights. This day I didn't really enjoy my adjudication. The first room was good, I didn't even mind to be a panelist to be in that room. But the second room was quite disappointing, slightly below average, and I was a panelist in that room. I wonder how did my Chair grade me in previous round. That night, we attended a semi-formal dinner with women's debate session. I didn't really enjoy the dinner because the dinner was served late ( I hate late dinner ) and..someone wasn't there. The team had 2-1, total 3-2.

On 6th July, final 3 rounds with the final two rounds as silent rounds. These two silent round contributed partly to our disaster which I'll explain here later. The team was 4-2 before the silent round. As for the silent rounds, they think they did fairly well, with slightly more confident in the last (8th) round. As for me, I was still a panelist for the first round of the day, some more in a thrashing round! I really wonder what's the problem with them! However, I was placed as a Chair with panelist in an average room for the second round because the original Chair for the room wasn't around during the adjudicator role call. Fine. But for the 8th round, I was placed as a SINGLE CHAIR! Now it didn't matter which room I was in, as long as this spell " Only me can make the decision for this room! " I hope so, ha. And the team was glad for me. Jun Hoe actually tapped my back like a proud father, ha! That night, we have our Break Night Dinner at Sunway Lagoon. The place setting was superb, but I didn't really enjoy it because I always hate late dinner. I am not exagerating when I say our dinner was served late. Or you prefer to call it morning? because I had my dinner at 12 mid night, with tea served around 7pm + . I was so tired after the 3 rounds and long waiting hours in between that I could just skip dinner and doze off on bed before I forced myself to shower and change for the dinner. As the result announced, we noticed that we didn't break for both debater and adjudicator categories. Suppose they got 4-4 and missed the break. I was too tired and numbed to feel the sadness. But I knew both Salwa and Jun Hoe were very sad ( of course! ), Jerry wasn't there for the dinner. He's sick. They started to talk about the two silent rounds. They were pretty sure they should have won the 8th round and make them 5-3 to be eligible to break into semi for English as Second Language (ESL) category. Hence they decided to consult their adjudicator for that round before referring the adjudication core.

On 7th July, Jerry and I attended the AIDA council meeting together. Again, its's a boring meeting, though I get to talk to a chraming guy from Monash University from Australia name Victor who studies music and now taking trumpet as his instrument. Interesting. We also voted for the institution who bid to organise Australs the next year. Ate Neo University from Philipine won the bid over Monash University. Surely Victor was sad. I tried to talk to Tim ( one of our DCA from Monash) about the result of the breaking teams but he said it's not the right time to talk about it yet for we were still in the meeting. That night we had beach party (at night? yea..) served with satay. It's quite a relaxing day though, with humour round to entertain us and later kicking water towards each other at the man-made beach. I miss the feeling of beach under my sole like during my childhood but I still can't buy the idea of man-made beach. Only a part of the beach is with sand you see. But overall, I did enjoy my night. Because someone was there to laugh at our secret joke about this dispropotionate handsome guy with me. Still, the urgency to meet the related adjudicator hasn't hit us.

On 8th July, as planned, we had our main stream octo final before ESL semi and later, main strean quarter final. We managed to meet the adjuds for their silent rounds before the ESL started and got the adj core especially hafeidz panic. They knew something had gone wrong yet none of them wanted to stop the round before the conflict was solved. The adjud for the 8th round told us very firmly that she gave the win to us, hence making us undoubtly 5-3, yet Lucia (anoher DCA) told us that after going through the score sheets, we were proven 4-4. Later as they went through it again, they realised that it's the chair for the 3rd round wrote the wrong winnig team in her score sheet although she gave the correct score for both teams in that very round. Hafiedz had kicked the chair out from breaking into semi due to this mistake of hers, but nothing can compensate back our chance of standing a chance for the ESL. Hafiedz even blamed that it was US who were too late in telling him this mistake. EXCUSE ME? Who got their tab system entered by bug at the first palce? Who didn't check the score sheet before entering the scores at the first place? Who was too PROUD to acknowledge his own mistake to stop the ESL semi final from proceeding when by right he KNEW there was a conflict at hand and by making things on hold can actually cover your mistake better since no harm done? It's even heartaching to see the undeserve team to enter the final round, which they did. I really regreted as Hafeidz said that we were too late to discover this mistake for I did mention to Tim about discussing the result of the breaking teams with him. I should've insisted on this issue after the meeting. I was too eager to head back our rooms after the meeting. God knows why. I told Jun Hoe honestly about this. I really felt strongly for the team for this conflict. Sad when they announced that they didn't break, panic when we sensed the mistake was not a simple mistake, frustrated when at the end, there's nothing we could do as the ESL had started.It's my first time to cry in a guy's arms like this. Thanks Jun Hoe. It should in stead be me comforting you guys for this. I wasn't even the one debating. Well, hafeidz also promised to write a letter of acknowledgement of our -supposedly- break and announce the new ranking, if not public apology. Don't try to deny, Hafiedz, you have 4 witnesses who heard this. It's still acceptable if you say this things just slipped your mind, -if- you are humble enough.

He did none even until the prize giving ceremony, which was the last formal function of this tournament. Jun Hoe asked us to look for Hafeidz for his "announcement on new ranking" before he got away. I was the one who went to ask for "public apology", which of course he has no balls, oops, I mean no guts, to acknowledge it. He then said that if we want public apology or anything, we could've told him earlier so that he can arrange it into the schedule for the night. Moron. A wise person who's done a mistake should know how to apologise or at least, to handle this without us telling or reminding him that he -needs- to do such thing, and not sweeping it under the carpet. Let's just forgive him for not being clever enough to know how to spell "wise", our Chief Adjudicator from UiTM.

After that, Hafeidz demanded to talk to Jun Hoe. He accused Jun Hoe for letting us to "humiliate" him in front of others. EXCUSE ME again! I bet no one notice what had happened around him when Salwa and I walked up to him before the crowd scattered. They were either too joyful or frustrated for the result of grand final or too busy discussing with each other about the debate itself than paying this CA who made them wait for hours between rounds any attention. Jun Hoe was very angry as Hafiedz walked away after saying such nasty things to him. It was my first time to see him in such anger, because he used the word F*** for the first time ever in front of us. I was very upset as I saw him like this. I wished I could share the burden on his shoulder and take away the anger in his heart. I kept praying "Lord, please, not on Jun Hoe, he's the nicest guy I ever seen, please don't do this to him..May You calm his heart and lift the burden on his shoulder, let me carry them instead, Lord, let me share his burden.." Soon enough, we got a message from Ai Huey, telling us that Hafeidz sent her a message telling us off as being rude to him " to ask for public apology from him" ( yea, it's rude when you know that someone's too proud to apology) and he will write a letter to our UKM deputy vice cansellor to complain about this. Good, now no more letter of acknowledgement but letter of complain. Thanks, Cher Linn. I felt so stupid.

After everything considered cooled down, Alia decided for us to have a coffee at starbuck when Salwa and Jun Hoe decided to look for AIDA council's new president to settle this matter. By the time they were back in Statbuck, everyone was quite settled and sane. They'll talk to En.Haikal or whoever admin the next day. Alia and Fea left to take Alia's car from her house to fectch us back before we held our last prep talk. I kept scolding myself (in my heart) for being stupid ever since I was in Starbuck. And I threw this out during our last prep-talk. I felt so bad, to be stupid and get the entire UKM english debating team pay for this cost (wait till they get the letter) plus, to see someone being so worn out after this issue is heartaching.

After this, Alia sent me back KTSN before sending them back hotel and hence the end of my first time ever international debate tournament experience.

I believe there is a purpose behind all these commotion. I have gained quite a lot by merely adjudicating, not to mention *ahem* the times I met with charming guys across the region. Also, the time we spent together as UKM contingent, small yet close. I cherish every moment as a psrt of journey in life. This tournament has made me grown up whether I like it or not, to look at the ugly sides of human beings, at how they can treat everyone nice in front and treat some badly secretly. Also to see how a team can reach final when by right they were not even deserve to break into semifinal at the first place. Learnt to deal with people who love smoking and drinking so much and bear with them. Learnt to look at my own feelings and experience how emotions can roar. Learnt to confess to my true self that this time, I really fall hard into someone and at how I can taste the sweetness when he was just merely present there and appreciated him so much that he need not do anyhthing purposely to draw me to him. I shall write no more, even though I never expect he'd read my blog anyway.

"Why do I need to look around, when the special someone is just sittng next to me?" was the sentence pop up in my mind when he ask me if I've noticed any cute guys during the tournament. Yes, that's the reason why I kept telling him about the disproportionate guy whom he claimed to be "quite good looking". Checking out a guy is a very superficial thing. I however, wish to know him more, and that's it. No need cute guys. He is cute enough for me, with his baby face, yet mature enough with the way he stood up for us and took up the responsibility to lead the team, and reliable enough to know we are safe whenever he's around.

stop it! the butterfly in my stomach!!

Oh man, i really dislike this kind of feeling keeps occupying my heart. It causes confusion and restlessness whether or not you think about it.

My crush towards the special someone has -grown-. Sad thing is, i know that we are going no where, it's only me in this dilemma. BAD thing is, i don't know whether he knows about it or not or -maybe- he has sensed something fishy..

what i know is, when he's in normal mood, he can always make me laugh just by showing his innocent face and innocent(not childish!) way of expressing his opinion. when he's sad or frustrated, my heart gets tightened and so wish to share his burden and emotion in side. -AND- when he's around, i always know that i can count on him, despite the fact that he keeps thinking himself as low credibility. and this person is no longer Albert.

sigh sigh.. got to go to class now.

by the way, a lot of things happened during australs, i wish i could post it first, but apparently it needs more time to structure my thoughts. later then.

how does it feel..

How does it feel, when you wished to have a gulp from the cooling tin of Pepsi, the way the liquid quench you thirst, yet you don't have enough money to buy it?

How does it feel, when your children pleaded you to let them have a go on the pony toy machine yet you don't have enough money to insert into the machine to let it go alive?

How does it feel, when you know you are working in a foreign country and have to post money back to family in hometown yet the boss you are working under cheated your salary by giving you less than you deserve?

How does it feel, when you had nothing to buy from the supermarket yet you purchased a tiny little lolipop just to have a conversation with the cashier?

How does it feel, when a boy who looked like below 18 came and bought cigarette from you, but you dare not ask how old is he for fear of offence and had to make the business dealed anyway because you boss is watching?

How does it feel, when someone ask which country you were from and how the country is now, all you can say about your mother land is.."Oh, it's no good.."

I've been feeling these emotions in just three days at work. I was working in a supermarket near my house which business cannot compare "hyper"market like Jusco (or maybe mine is mini market and Jusco is supermarket). Most of the customers are from lower middle class or third class consumers. Some of them can afford occasional satisfaction of desire like purchasing junk food, a bottle of beer, a packet of cigarette (and, ok, condom as well). Some of them make a huge purchase in one go, probably they open a smaller scale market too, hee. But some, have to make long discussion and serious struggle and consideration with their friends just to buy a RM65.00 rice cooker together. There are children who's plea, beg, or even wail at their parent to buy them candy, yet, receive a slap on their face in return.

My job seems to become easier as I learn more everyday. All i need to do is scan and collect the items in front of me into plastics bags, collect money and return balance to customers, end with a "Thank you". If all were done carefully and correctly, everything is OK. On the other hand, it becomes harder at the same time as I seen those scences and feel those emotions inside me. It's more real than a reality TV. They happen everyday.

Whenever a kid received a slap on his face from his parents and started to cry, I always pray inside me: "Lord Jesus, please forgive both the parents and the kid, for they do not know what they are doing. Let Your love bring away the pain on the kid's face and the wrath in their parents' hearts. Please be there for them, they need a Sheperd."

Whenever I received an extensively folded notes handed carefully from my customer, I pray that: "May Lord give them sufficient in their lives."

I'm also very willing to pray for those who came and bought cigarette from us. Aleast to reduce the size of purchase from 20 cigarettes per box to 14 cigarettes per box, then to targeting Hacks instead of cigarette and finally, not to see them living in crave for cigarette anymore.

And from now on, whenever I met a foreign worker, it's either I shut up and don't ask where they were from or I don't ask them how's their motherland OR, I pretend I don't know Sri Langka is in no good condition due to the Tamil Eelam issue.

wannabe a cashier?

Ha~ that's the question i got from my current boss Mr. Yap through a phone conversation on last Sunday, the Sunday when I just finished my debate training camp in KTSN.

Previously i went to this supermarket JMS near my house to be interviewed for a (part time)job there. Well, i was turned down because I can only work for him not more than one and a half months. Honestly speaking, it wasn't the first time I was turned down due to short duration of availability. Whenever i tried to look for a job during my semester break, i get this reason in return all the time.

The invitation however, seemed to come in the perfect, if not better timing. Come to think of it, I went for the interview before my debate training with a desperate heart. It could just be a slip of tongue for me to promise my boss that I can start work at any time, and leave the hassel to negotiate with my boss about taking leave for my debate training camp later. Or maybe I'd just give up the training-cum-selection camp? because I've felt the pressure when I read the motion list Ai Huey posted to me. Now, I've been through the training camp and was selected, then only come the call, hee! So I might just go to work obediently till end of June and earn myself some extra pocket money.

I've negotiated with Mr. Yap today regarding my departure in the end of June. He said it's fine, as long as I inform him 3 days before I leave. I started my work late (4/6/07) and am thinking of leaving early (not on the last day of June la), I can't help but to feel pai seh(guilty) la. Hence, I offer to work even on my off days. Dealed. I'll be working full shift during my off-days.

First day at work, as usuall, you got to ask for guidance and learn from "seniors" there. I was given the job as a cashier. So I'll be working with this cashier machine at the counter for most of the time. Other time will be spent chatting and lepaking around the supermarket when there is no customer or when I'm not on duty as a cashier, hee hee~ Hope this machine is willing to work with me also, as I have a kinda high level of technophobia. Things seemed to be OK for the first day because my "senior" who taught me about the machine said I learnt pretty fast, yay!

There are more things to be written about even it's just the first morning shift in my first day at work. Things about my seniors-cum-first friends at work who are ever so cheerful and helpful at the same time and my *ahem* handsome group leader who (disappointingly) is a smoker...NOOO~~ handsome guy should never smoke..smoking just spoilt their reputation and make me have to kick them out of my *ahem* list. sigh..

OK, got to sleep now, tomorrow I'll be working from 10am to 10pm(full shift). And I really don't want to be late for work.

Australs

"It is a difficult decision for us to make and the people we choose are not solely based on merits."

Jun Hoe announced in an uncomfortable manner during our recent debate training-cum-australs selection in my hostel KTSN.

"For the team, it consists of 2 seniors and 1 junior, they are me(Jun Hoe), Salwa, and Jerry; as for the adjudicator, we'll be sending Cher Linn."

Honestly, my heart gave a hard pound at my chest. Good news in one hand is I'm selected to go for Australs debate tournament which I really wish I could go and gain the experience of participating in such a big(international, mind you!) tournament, and I'm going there as an adjudicator(as i wish) instead of a debater(more pressure). Sad news on the other hand is(to me)..Stella wasn't selected. Well, the reason we could only send 4 people to such a big, merry tournament is because our university doesn't sponsor us enough to do so. Frankly speaking, Stella is a far better debater than I am, despite the fact that she is my junior in university(ok, we are of the same age). I also really admire her passion for debate and yet, accept the fact that she's not chosen as it is. I'm glad that she's looking forward to future tournaments, so at least i know I can also attend those tournament with her, hee :)

I simply like Stella's company. We share a lot of girls talk the night we slept in a same room and I think I begin to know her more. She is a normal girl with interesting personality. And as I continue to see her as she is, I'd appreciate her mere presence even more.

Oh, details about the debate tournament I mentioned above, you can check out the following website for more details: www.australs2007.com

So, I should start to work harder on my "general" knowledge in this one month's time. Ai Huey says one month is more than enough for me to prepare. Hope I can keep the fire burning within me and push myself harder for what I doubt I deserve. I'm in a position where a lot more (competent)people wish they are in. I should do better to prove my worth, and my credibility as an Australs adjudicator!

poor artists

there's this thought suddenly came into my mind when i heard this familiar radio station ads. the ad's to creating awareness among the music-loving people for not to support illegal downloads(of songs) anymore. the reason they give is because "any artists won't get paid" and eventually the only artist in the world would be those from the class Insecta(insects). sounds serious and logic, until this new "awareness" came to me: for the time being, the piracy rate is already kinda high, but artists are still earning loads! in a few years time in the entertainment world, a normal artist already had the ability to buy his family a bungalow, Jennifer Lopez is still able to support the expensive leather product, akon can get hinself a 100% real diamond "AKON" pendat.

fine, by supporting piracy, these artists will earn less, but will winning against piracy and let the artist earn more will benefit the world? madonna will be adopting another child from, say, north korea *laugh*, i think.

what i see from the friends around me&myself is that, if we really like the artists, we'll buy the good quality original album. if i only like 1 song from a particular album, then sorry la, of all the 13 songs u sing, i only like one, you need to work harder then, i don't mind if you stop making music anyway. that's why some artists sell their album together with posters, calender and stuff, sort a way of packaging to give more reason for people to buy the original and even to pre-order! like Jay Chow. with a normal price, his album already can sell like mad, really, his talents are not only shown by several songs but several albums! yet by buying his album, you can get a huge poster(big enough to become a wallpaper,ha)with cheap price. and the wallpaper, i mean, the poster is a very fascinating one. his true, loyal fans will never go supporting pirated CD or opt for (legal or otherwise) download, which is more troublesome, when you're talking about downloading the whole album, not 1 or 2 songs. in this case, we can see by supporting that particular artist, we get benefits. how about other artists? some of them don't even bother about the packaging thingy yet want to fight against piracy. well, even if their pirated album is in the black market, it's hard to sell, not to mention will there be any moron to copy their album at the first place. piracy maybe just don't happen to them anyway.

fighting piracy? ok, to respect the intelligent right, but it does not benefit the majority, it's a long fight then..

it's been a while~

it's been really "a" while i didn't blog. due to my final exam which lasted for 3 weeks, hee hee. quite a lot of things i'd like to write about, such as the Women's debate tournament, dinner with ai huey then watch the movie Shooter with Fea, Jespreet, Alia, Jun Hoe, Kelly and Stella, my moving-out from my current beloved KTSN room..jun ling and kimberly's graduation.. but i think..later la, ha~

today i'm really thrilled, because now i can have internet connection STRAIGHT FROM MY ROOM!! although it goes off twice already in 2 hours time, but it's considered as OK already. i usually just need it to check my mails and..ok, blog occasionally. then looking for materials is when i really have the time and mood. staring at the compter screen for longer than 1 hour is not what i like to do, except watching DVD, ha~

i'm suppose to pack my stuff, it's just a little bit more, just need to put the table lamp into its box, the kettle into its box, fold my remaining clothes and pack into the luggage, arrange the books into the box..but i feel so lazy to start packing..i'm kinda tired too. i woke up quite early this morning, to me. to do revision another time for my Virology&Mycology paper. after exam i went Borders book store at time square to grab 3 books then come back hostel, showeled and took my nap. then go lepak around KTSN. i really like KTSN, especially the room i'm staying now. i'm such a blessed girl. although the room is not the nearest to, but it is near(just a few extra steps difference)to the bus stop, CC, cafe, downstairs have a little sofa area with TV, near to the toilet at my level, quite cooling, have sun light shower into my room in the evening (so can hang my washed clothes in my room without worrying when is it going to rain), near the washing machine, everything in it is still in good condition, the light and fan are new, the cupboard...i can go on and on. some more now have wireless in my room!i hope to get back this room next year. but what i heard is.. a lot of people also aiming for this block (block H)and my room is at 2nd level, to me it's the best floor because i don't like to climb the staircase yet i think 1st floor is not safe from robberies.

i think i'll write more in my next post la, can't keep on like this, right? i should be able to let go these wordly desires for these things don't belong to me, and i don't belong here too, i was only here for a short period of time. i'll still be staying in this KTSN 1 for my 3rd year, God, i pray that you'll bless me with a wonderful year ahead. how do i define "wonderful"? God, U define it Yourself lar~ things go according to Your will ma, hee hee. i'll let you know how God define "wonderful" when i look back my 3rd year and blod it here. just don't be surprised with the way i talk to my God. He's so high up in heaven yet so near to my heart.

now i'll just pack my stuff, brush my teeth and then lie on the bed to continue with the new books i bought today. what a great night!

chocolate, anyone?

on 29th March 2007, I received my first time ever chocolate present from... well, Albert. My first reaction after I-Ling told me it's from Albert was "Huh?! Albert?". Yea, it's very unbelievable. I knew he went to Pulau Langkawi with his coursemates after their final exam for the last time (hopefully no repeat year lah, ha~) here in UKM KL Campus, but I never know he'd bring something back for me. For two consecutive years, at least I did buy him present for his birthday, dedicated things twice for him, once was during mooncake festival in our first year and another during second year's CNY celebration, and also bought him chocolate from Famous Amos on this year's Valentines' Day, not because he was my X, but because he was feeling quite down that time. It was just a chocolate to cheer him up.
It was a Thursday when i received his chocolate from his friend's girlfriend, who is also my coursemate (complicated huh). i remember the day because i had to do presentation on behalf of my Entomology Self-learning package group project. I was very nervous, some more I had class since 8am and I want to fast during lunch in conjunction with the coming Easter Day. Albert's chocolate has been with I-Ling since this weekend, but she has forgotten to bring it to me until the Thursday, which was quite a good time when I come to think of it, ha~ The chocolate just... cheered me up :-) and keep me going for the rest of the day, despite lack of sleep in the previous night.
i know Albert didn't mean anything as he gave this chocolate, because he was in Langkawi, what else you want to buy for your friends? It may be just a token of appreciation, or a farewell present... The idea aches me again. i know very well that I might not be meeting him any more. Life has to move on, but I hate the aching feeling in my heart whenever i listen to love songs in the radio, and the thought of our special friendship... how should i describe it? Nevermind I guess, it has come to an end now. I just wish him the best and hope he remembers that knowing him, makes my life worth living.
i always say he is an angel sent by God to protect my heart as I had to leave my first ex. If it's true, i think ending our friendship with a chocolate is another way God wants to protect my heart again.

Thank you, Albert. Without noticing it, you had actually walked with me a very challenging time in my life.

A Prayer

A Prayer

Heavenly Father,

I want to thank you for everything You’ve given me, especially sending these wonderful people in my life.

I want to put Jun Ling in Your mighty hand, Lord. May You bless her abundantly in her in her everyday life. She has been a great blessing in my life and I always believe it’s You who have sent her to do things for You, making impact in my life, guiding me in my journey seeking You. Holy Spirit has spoken through her when I have doubt in Your way, Lord, I knew it. She has always been a faithful servant to You, too, always wants to do things in Your way to glorify You. May her service be pleasing in Your sight, Lord, and I pray that Jesus’ precious blood will always protect her from the evil ones.

I also want to thank You for sending Kimberly in my life, for she, too, has help me a lot in strengthening my faith in You. As a spiritually-motivated person like her, she views prayer as an important tool to draw ourselves closer to You. She also says that by reading Bible daily and also memorizing scriptures can help us be more alert towards You words, so that we can hear You when You talk to us and guide us to do things in Your way. Father, may Your grace and mercy be upon her and Jesus’ love overflow her, make her a blessing to the people around her, just like how she’s been a blessing to me.

Father, You know I’ve learnt a lot from both Jun Ling and Kimberly. I’ve grown a lot with their help and guidance. They are indeed Your humble servants who work to see Your kingdom come. They’re graduating soon, Lord. I pray earnestly for them to be able to complete their final semester successfully, with You, Lord, always be their rock. For Jun Ling, Lord, she’s now having posting in Ipoh hospital. I pray that she’ll gain a lot more new knowledge and experiences in these 3 months, make her more ready to face the coming posting in March. Mighty Lord, make her a wholesome person to serve You, Lord, in the field that You’ve put her into. May Your will be done in Jun Ling,Lord. For Kimberly, she’s now struggling with her thesis. I pray, Lord, that You may bless her with wisdom in analyzing the data she obtained from her research as well as time managing, so that she may glorify You via her thesis. May the Holy Spirit speak to her and guide Kimberly to do things in Your way. Father, also bless them with good health when they’re going through all these, Lord.

Last but not least, God, I want to pray for Albert. Lord, You know how things had happened, for You are our creator and everything is under Your control. Lord, I really admire Your creativity, from the way You’ve created such a special person like Albert. Having him in my life is really a great blessing from You, Lord. I’ll never know how to express my appreciation towards You, for he has brought me joy and tears, ups and downs in my life, but nevertheless, the understanding about love. I’m willing to do things for him without asking for repay, willing to be patient towards him, willing to care for his needs and feelings, willing to see him as he is. Now I know how much more You love me, Lord, for being there when I called You, care for me when I least expected to, patiently forgiving my sins, and take me as I am, Your innocent daughter whom You have created and loved. Father I believe You have sent Albert to me to change my life, which he did. May Your will be done in him, Lord. I really thank you sincerely for giving me a chance to know such a wonderful person like him. He has made me feel safe whenever he is around, and wherever he brings me to. I know this is the feeling I suppose to have towards You, Jesus, to trust You more and feel safe with You guiding me. I also treasure the moments I spent with him, they spell “Joy” in my life.

Albert, as a second-year medical student in my campus, will be leaving with his coursemates to HUKM soon, for their coming clinical years before they graduate. Father I pray that You’ll bless him with wisdom when he deals with patients, diagnose them accurately and treat them correctly. Make him an ethical doctor, Lord, a doctor with a heart which is made of flesh, not stone. Lord I also want to pray humbly for strength for him, Jesus I pray that You will bless him with sufficient strength and alertness to withstand the long-hour on-call period. And also with good health, Lord, to keep him away from the hospital-acquired diseases. I pray for good working relationship between him and his colleagues, may he be a blessing to the people around him, too. Jesus may Your precious blood cover him from the attack of the evil ones, and the guardian angels always be with him to watch over him in his future life as a doctor who serves You humbly. Bless him abundantly Father, show him mercy and grace, and let him see miracles which only You can do.

I pray in the name of Lord Jesus Christ, Amen.

it's not a date

It’s not a date

On 3rd February 2007, we went to MidValley. Do I have to explain who were the “we” here? Ok. It’s Albert and I. we went for movie and shopped for (his) new year clothes. And it’s not a date. Joshua, one of my UKM debate friends in Bangi used to explain to me that going out with guy friends is different from going for a date, for the latter is more to giving each other a chance to see whether or not they’ll be couples in future, whereas the former is only a simple hang out.

We met at Titiwangsa Star station around 11am. It’s my first time to take Star instead of Monorail to Midvalley. Of course, travel by Star is a lot cheaper than by Monorail. Thanks to Albert, he’s taught me a lot in this LRT thingy ever since our first year. I don’t really dare to try out the Bandaraya star-ktm interchange station myself because I know it’s not really linked nicely. Both Bandaraya star and ktm stations are some distances away from each other. Me as someone who has no sense of direction, getting lost is not unusual. Then from Bank Negara (as in Bandaraya station for Star) KTM, we headed towards Midvalley.

We bought the 2:30pm movie ticket for Blood Diamond, a movie which Albert strongly suggested and me agreeing with him only after I read Jun Hoe’s suggestion in his blog. It’s not that I dislike heavy movies, just that I dislike blood-shedding-for-no-reason scenes as in Terminator series. Su Yin testified that there were some quite emotional scenes. Well, this, is what I’m looking forward to J . I just like to be reminded about some values after a movie, like in Blood Diamond, it’s about family ties, wars, humanity, greed, friendship etc. Touched? Great impact.

Oh, I shouldn’t forget to tell you how we were able to buy tickets from the counter with only 10 min queue during WEEKENDS! We’ve expected long queues for movie tickets. So we went to line up obediently, at counter 5. Very soon, counter 6 opened. Some people in front of us left their counter-5 queue and lined up at counter 6, so as we. Within 2 minutes, counter 7 opened, so we just left the queue again and lined up at counter 7, waited for around 4 customers to reach our turn. Unbelievable? Believe it. I’m here to testify that “God will make a way, when there seems to be no way.” I prayed for our outing earnestly for several times already. I knew it’s His mighty hands with great mercy that make this happened. I smiled, and praised our creative God in my heart.

Oh, before the movie, we went for Pizza! I like pizza, but maybe not as much as Albert does, haa, he sounded like a Pizza Hut maniac when he told me about it. It’s even funnier to know that for him, one feels more for the atmosphere in the restaurant if we had pizza as dinner, kekeke… I told him that I was starving, so I’d feel the atmosphere the same. I couldn’t believe I can make him to give in to me for this. We ate and chatted and laughed. We talked mostly about our families members. I enjoyed sharing these with him, and would like to hear more about his in future. He commented that I ate slow. Hey! He was the one asking me a bunch of questions and I spent my time answering them, that’s why. He’s finished his whole plate of meatball Bolognese (his favourite) when I was still half way through my first piece of pizza. When he’s done with his third piece of pizza (some more with knife and fork, and me with only bare hands) then only I was done with my second, and being demanded to finish off the last piece, while he started off with his already-cooled mushroom soup.

After the heavy lunch, we walked around the top floor just to kill time before the movie. I am looking for Nike shoes, so we entered several shops just to check out the Nike shoes there. Some shops have beautifully-designed Nike Women shoes. Of course, they come with more expensive prices. Some shops sell the shoes with prices which are obviously a lot cheaper, but with less attractive outlook.

Then we found Tropicana Life shop, which I’ve been looking for at other places too, as I’m looking for a backpack. My previous backpack is also a product from Tropicana Life. I like it very much, comfortable and quite reliable, most importantly it’s multipurpose - allow me to fit my one-day-trip necessities, or my laptop to go Starbuck for a whole-day internet surfing, or just a usual class in campus when I need labcoat and sweater and water bottle, so I was considering to buy a TL bag again, for I like their designs too, user-friendly yet eye-catching.

After that, haa haa, we noticed there was an exhibition about wedding. No, we were not mistaken as couples-ready-for-wed.We were expecting to have a look at some new fashion bridal gown. Sadly, there was only a few dresses displayed, but some were really pretty though. Most of the stall are about the setting for their wedding dinner – garden wedding, ballroom dinner, candle light ceremony etc. Not bad. Albert said he likes his wedding to be in garden and the luncheon tables decorated like under a tent (if I heard him correctly, hee) and he also likes the bridal gown with long tail behind.

When it was time, we headed to the cinema. We’ve got ourselves a good place. Albert told me about the different views from different position in the cinema, which rows are the best, which are partly blocked, which rows are acceptable etc. He’s not called movie king for nothing I guess, I’ve never been in a cinema so often enough to know as much as he is about one, ha! But I know my seat was the best seat, for it’s next to Albert…

After movie, we started shopping for Albert’s clothes. We didn’t mean to shop for his clothes only, I just couldn’t use to the idea of me trying clothes and show it to friends and ask for ideas. I made him felt guilty though, hee hee, nah, I didn’t mean to, ok? We ended up in Jusco gents section after our visits to Bump Equipment, Diesel, Romp etc. Sorry to say, I don’t really like Romp’s men shirts, some were plain ugly. I don’t know about their new style, but for the last year’s, I just can’t agree with their style. No, Albert, the one on you that day was fine. You should be lucky it’s a simple design one, for the complicated design ones, they’re just more to rags than shirts. But I like Romp’s pants, affordable and with loads of pockets, multipurpose, again.

In Jusco, we looked around then only we picked some that we liked for Albert to try out. We? YeaI contributed some ideas too ok? It’s my first time to shop with a guy, to be accurate, to help up with a guy shopping for HIS clothes. He’s very surprised to know that it’s my first time to do this, haa, but hey, there’s a first time for everything ok. I couldn’t believe me as someone with very little sense of art and questionable taste can give some analysis-like comment about the clothes he tried out. Thanks to the debating skills I acquired from that bunch of Bangi debaters, kekeke…. Several times we picked the same clothes too. Same taste? No comment. For the entire 3 hours in gents department, the most useless yet most truthful comment from me would be... “every clothes looked good on you..” I only said it once, sincerely, to him. If I said it for too many times it’d seemed suspicious I guess. This fact shocked me too, ok? Albert doesn’t have a model standard figure, but he has broad shoulders. I just stared at him, and having hard time on what dissatisfaction to pick at next.. Or was it because of something else? I don’t wanna know…

Then we headed for dinner at McD after Albert’s finally bought himself 2 shirts and a pair of 3-quarters pants. He’s achieved his target. I ordered Happy Meal again, because it seemed like the portion served in Happy Meal suits me, some more it always comes together with toys, hee hee! It was quite late already, around 9pm something. I never dare to stay out hostel so late, especially in places like shopping mall. But like I said, everything seemed safe when Albert is around. I only worried whether or not we’ll reach my hostel before my curfew at 12 midnight, that’s it.

After dinner, we headed towards Tropicana Life shop again, to make my final decision after taking the last look at the pink bag I spotted earlier. After some discussion from Albert, I decided to “take down” the backpack! Pink bag, again? Never mind, he said it might looked good on me, hee hee, for I agree that other colours were really not to my likeness. With the sense of “gentleman” (I guess), he helped me carry the new bag, which was the only thing I bought, all the way back.

We departed back around 10:00 or 10:30 pm, with KTM. Although I was exhausted and he suggested to take cab straight from Midvalley, I still prefer to take the longer trip back, just to spend more time with him. Of course I didn’t tell him this reason. I sounded more like want to safe money hence chose the route. I surprised him with the Strepsil for sore throat which I bought it secretly earlier that day, at Watson, when he was surveying the hair gel. He was surprised, I suppose, but he said he already had it back in his room… well, hope I sent the message across… which is – I care, even if he doesn’t really have a severe sore throat, maybe not yet or just a very mild one.

At Titiwangsa Star station again, we took a cab, first to my hostel, then only his at Setapak. When I was halfway walking in my hostel, then only it occurred to me that I still owe him RM30 for the pizzas, and movies, man… I didn’t mean to forget… I was really too blurred to remember, for I was exhausted after the 12 hours outing. I’m not a shopaholic like my sister ok. Hey, it is somehow like my new record! 12 hours outing, some more with only a guy, and I got to come back safe before the curfew.

But the most precious thing is, it is a continuous 12-hours enjoyable moment in my life which I’d forever treasure *smile*.