Love to Fall in Love ;-)

I don't know how to structure a post anymore, for I've lost my mind. I keep thinking about you. Emotions floods my mind, words formed are only bits and pieces. Heart racing, cheek flushing, lips smiling at the sound of your name, at the thought us being together. I have never been this sure that I want you more than anything else. I know it from the first sight of you. The way you make the world stops as I stare at you, the way you make it easy for me to come to a decision.

The way my heart skips a beat when Lilac Purple colours my world :)

Samsung Star 3G (S5603)

- cannot locate an image of the light pink model, but it's basically how the phone looks like :)

Pictures!

Some pictures taken while on the way back with June and Joan and Jill and Chun How, the Sunday after Christmas weekend :)

I love this picture the most, and am pretty proud of it, too, hahaha! It's like seizing the golden opportunity right when it's here!

I love sun sets :)

Another one, freezing the moment at the perfect timing :)

June, the first class driver :p

Rawr!

1. Why does it have to be this windy and chilly at night? I still can't go swimming even if it does not rain!

2. Inspiration to make more cards does not hit me enough! I need more ideas please!

3. Missing RMAF (Royal Malaysian Air Force) fighter jet engine that costs RM50m was actually sold to an international company based in South Africa!

4. Decidophobic over the choice of enjoying the half-day leave on Christmas eve or Chinese New Year eve.

5. Run out of Milo 3 in 1!

6. Going home on Thursday evening. Thursday faster come!

7. Addicted to tetris!

8. What if Santa has no sense of direction too?

9. Nobody to explore Wave with :(

10. Is that all, the cute guys on this Earth?

Al. LCS

Awestruck. Really.

How could you possibly sense that I was referring to you in my shout out message? And, actually responded to it the moment I changed it? You said because you can read my mind. Really? (But basically if you read my blog that means you're reading a big part of me already. You bluff-ologist!)

You commented that I typed a lot of chats in one go. And your eyes sore from reading it (serve you right, muahahaha!) But in fact, you got me speechless. You caught me with surprises, again.

:) Yes, it's you.

Yes. You.

Stop catching me with surprises, even if you do not intend to. This weird feeling is only going to be here during this weekend, right? I'm just going to ignore it. Though it is strange that it is always here every time after I met you.

It took me two months a semester two years whole uni life ever to draw the line defining friendship and what-not. You're like a stranger to me. I don't know you anymore. You're like a part of me. Everything you do, I am awed that it fits nicely, like it is suppose to be.

You told me to stay focus, and I shall achieve it. You told me time heals, and I will get over you.

You lied.

I hate that we're better off with what we have now. I hate to finally reach the balance. I hate to keep watch at the lines. I hate what-ifs. I hate the self-controls I have with myself every time as I almost spilled out the unspeakable. I hate you don't know I'm still influenced by you. I hate the obvious fact that we complement each other.

I hate that you're the only guy who comes this close to making me tell you I love the way you being imperfect.

Nothing More, Nothing Less

It cannot be clearer that you didn't mean anything more than what I understand. But if this is a joke, I'll be the first one to laugh at it, at myself, at us. The first time you asked me for a date, I brought a group of friends along. The following times we went out, there were only the both of us. Neither of us had the initiative to ask other friends along, but those were not dates anymore. And I still love it. Everything in it.

The car ride and get confused with the direction with you. The movies and the way we thought of watching the same movie despite our decidophobia. The way you asked for the 2:30pm show because I suggested so even though you thought it's a bit too rush. The way we can read each other's mind about the designs of shirts and pants and shoes and neck ties and bags and decoration of restaurants and musics and voice of the live band and cooking style of the food served and the plot of the movie. The conversations that I don't expect to have with a Malaysian guy, or a guy, or anyone, or ever. The way you know the lyrics to every songs played in the radio and comfortably sing along with it in the car while admitting you're not a good singer. The way you ask me if I am still alright halfway through the movie knowing that the movie could be a bit too extreme for me. The way you hand me your wallet and ask to get the money ready while approaching toll. The way you helped me carry my tote bag as I told you my shoulder is aching from carrying it the whole day. The way you ask me if I am interested to enter a shop which only sells girls clothes and accessories, and actually enter it with me. The way you laugh at my excitement as I found a search-a-word puzzle that can keep me busy for a month. The way you don't laugh at my obsessiveness at getting the dish I want by confirming with the waiter that the two dishes at different page are exactly the same. The way you ask me help you read the sign boards. The way you love R&B songs, too.

And the way you'll always make sure you send me back personally, either by public or private transport, before you head home.

Christmas Malls

I got to visit Mid Valley and Sunway Pyramid recently and managed to catch a glimpse at their Christmas decoration there. As usual, the more customers frequent your place, the more responsibility you have to decorate it with style and creativity. I shall now let the pictures speak.

Castle in fairy tale Mid Valley

Gigantic yet adorable Christmas tree in Mid Valley

A Different form of castle and Christmas tree in Sunway Pyramid

Windmill in Sunway Pyramid

Part of the night view outside Sunway Pyramid

Aren't they lovely? Well, the best part is still the people you are with when you're amongst the warm atmosphere :)

with June :)

There will never be a dull moment with June, considering the range of things she might ask you to do with her (thank God she likes doing those things too ;p). And this time we managed to find our car at the car park. I bet running down the slope towards the Autopay machine helps *wink*

Making Card is

Fun:

Variety of colours, shapes and sizes, different type of papers. Creative ideas excitedly rush into your mind and your hands make them into reality.

Selfless:

You block your calendar or schedule, dedicate the time into making cards. Usually I know when I should sit down and start the project, but I don't limit myself when it should be done. Because I want my creativity to bring me to you.

You start thinking of the person whom you want to dedicate the card to. And let the ideas flow in. I am not really a creative person. I need a lot of time for the inspiration to hit me, to consider if that person will like the combination of the colours, and many other factors. Sometimes I'd stare at a blank sheet of black colour paper for minutes, look around for other colours to match and contrast each other, cover a part of the paper to imagine them being cut into certain shapes and sizes, and wonder if it's a good fit. I'd make use of whatever I can grab hold of: paper puncher, pencil and ruler, glue, silver gel pen, Stabilo set of coloured markers, anything. It takes time to make one. Sometimes I'd come up with a nice one but have no idea who should I give it to. Sometimes I need to make one for a specific friend, but ended up deciding another friend will like it better. Because when I look at what I've made, if I thought about you, even if for no reason, I'd still give it to you. Because the point is: you must've been a wonderful person to me that I think of you when I look at something as lovely as the card.

You give your best into making a good one. If you're making many cards, that means you have to constantly put yourself into your creation. Because you don't spend time making things you don't like. And when you give the cards to those you mean them to, you're giving a part of you to them. Because your creation reflects upon yourself.

Healing:

If you love that person, you don't need a reason to make a card for him/her. If you dislike that person, there's even more reasons to make a card for him/her. Because you have to first make yourself to forgive that person in order to produce a beautiful card. As I said, one doesn't waste their time making something they don't like. That person could have been very mean to you in the past and might not forgive you even if you gave him/her your best card. But if you don't find a way to forgive him/her first, you yourself cannot move on but only stick to hatred for the past. Forgiving others is not only a command from God, but also a way to release yourself from the prison of rage.

It's Christmas time! Do you have anyone in mind you want to give a card to? Start making a card today! =)

When I was around for the sun set

So last Thursday I was sent by my company to attend a workshop. It ended at 5:30pm, hence that evening I was officially off work ON TIME after about a months of OT everyday. It feels good to catch the sun set after work :)

Behind me is Grand Season hotel. It's the first time I like towering buildings in a city to be my background.

Against the evening sun. No OT :D

Precious moment to gaze at the evening sky.

Sun set does exit. And it is always beautiful.

Hot and Cold

Cool stuff

1. Pandadol does work.

2. Adjudicating in Royals, and breaking.

3. No lines in Tropicana City GSC at both ticket counter and popcorn counter, on Friday night!

4. Going home for Christmas.

5. No more rain in the evening after work - can go swimming!

6. The White Man's Burden by William Easterly. Mind blowing. Awesome!

Not so cool stuff

1. Christmas present that costs RM20 - give me ideas, please! Rawr!

2. Wet morning while on the way to work.

3. Ervina flying back to US soon :(

4. Not using my original healthy voice on last Friday night :S

5. Bad cough

Even if

It makes it even more difficult to pull myself away when I was one of those who hand-picked them. When someone asked me if I will be going for Royals, I know there is something I don't hesitate to make the decision. Even if there were times I was frustrated to be taken for granted and wished I could have just left the responsibility like someone did and expect others to find a way and handle the situation themselves. Even if there are times I wonder why was I still there. Even if there are times I felt stupid to always be there for them and when others who don't, came, they replace me. Even if there were times I was left to do the shittiest job, to take everyone's interest into consideration and to worry about demotivating anyone. Even if there were times I was robbed off time to be spent with those whom I need to talk to, or actually requested to talk to me personally, yet I was full of responsibility which I not necessarily have to bear at the first place. Even if there were people who came and left, then came back again and left again, repeatedly. Even if they now have their own teams to focus on, and move on.

Presents for me?? Part 2

On top of that, the main reason I don't quite like the idea of RM 20 gift is that, you can't really put a price tag on a gift. But well, of course, when it comes to gift exchange, it's different from any other gift giving occasion because we have to be fair, right?

Believe me, it's not that I don't want to tell my housemates what I like or don't like, or what I think is right or wrong. The thing is, I won't do that before I finish debating with myself. As the writing of this post, I am still debating with myself. The main clash is between it's-not-always-about-me vs the-real-meaning-of-a-present.

Of the things I listed down in my previous post, you notice that it is something I need, and I still will be happy to receive them. But if you were looking for clues what I could like or want as a gift from you, let me tell you straight - I am looking forward for something that is priceless, made by yourself.

It is troublesome. It takes time and effort. You have to crack your mind to make it. But to me, that is exactly the main idea of a gift. That you have to stay up thinking about me. That you have to go obsessive and crazy over finding the envelope of the right size (that is my personal experience). That you have to sore your hands writing all the love messages to me, telling me how you think about me, what is the virtue you like in me, remind me of the memories we have together, telling me what kind of person I am, telling me who am I to you.

Because I like things that cannot be found and bought off from shelf conventionally. I like personalised things that are really for me only. I like to be awed by the effort you put in, not the cost of the present. I guess my love language is the combination of Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Act of Service. I guess I am not an easy-to-please person at times, huh?

But when it comes to giving gift to others, it is about them, not me. And despite my opinion on what should a present be like, I have to understand their love languages and find them presents that will make them happy and feel special. The conflict here is, I need to communicate in their love languages, not using mine. Every time I come up with an idea what to write as the message or how to present the gift, it hits me that, I need to find something that cost RM20 first. But I am still going to try. Because the more you love someone, the more you want to please them, the more sacrifices you want to make, because their happiness matters more than yours.

And that is the real meaning of a gift.

Presents for me??

My housemates and I are going to have our own gift exchange day around Christmas. There are five of us, hence we shall buy a gift for each of the two person whose names we drew out in random from Merl's hands.

What to buy for a gift with the minimum cost as RM20? I am not going to give out my idea here. Anyway, I have yet to come across gift that cost RM20 that I can buy. It is quite a difficult amount to be honest - nothing too ordinary yet nothing too fancy.

Kevin says that I am a person easy to please or make happy. At some point it is true, especially as I started wondering what would others have thought of buying me instead. Many of my friends would think of buying me books as presents. Books are my all time favourite gift. But I do have books that sit untouched on my bookshelf for reasons such as there is no chemistry between me and the book. Some of them are even my own hunts during book fair or sales in bookstore! I guess I can't force myself to buy or start reading a book if I haven't been determined in owning or reading it at the first place. Yvonne and Lian King have finished reading Candace Bushnell's Trading Up while I can never read past page two! Jodi Picoult's The Pact and Plain Truth are also collecting dust there, unless Yvonne is willing to show her mercy to them by trying out different genre of books from my little library sometimes. Having say that, I still went on and bought Jodi Picoult's Handle With Care and Khaled Hosseni's The Kite Runner after that, and started to read Handle With Care right after the purchase. Hmm..

Well, there are a lot of other things you can buy for me as a gift, really. Principle is: if you don't know what I really want or like, buy something you think I might need it. For example, stationary I might need in office, toiletries, food, and etc. Yes, these things don't need RM20. But I'd be equally glad that at least it shows you are observant of my needs :)

Suggestion:

1. the To-Do-List strip. I saw it in MPH bookstore long time ago. Now I kinda need it in office because the work load has been crazy and writing it down helps a lot in organising work flow in a systematic manner.

2. Darlie tooth paste. Seriously. I am looking for the Darlie original tooth paste, not those with added lemon mint flavor or whatever crap version. Original version, in the largest tube possible. Sometimes I can't find the original version, sometimes it is not the largest tube which means I have to buy another one very soon. And yes, I have been faithful to Darlie ever since I was a kid. That explains why you can buy me as many tubes as possible to hit RM20, because I won't change the brand of tooth paste I am using until the next 700 billion years.

3. Milo 3 in 1. I can never grow out of drinking Milo. And I drink Milo with breakfast in office everyday. You can imagine how much I need it.

4. Body shampoo of any brand. I really don't mind the brand as long it is labeled "Body Shampoo". I need it as long as I still have the habit to bath.

5. Peanut butter, fruit jam, bread butter and tuna spread. Yup, that is what I have with Gardenia bread for breakfast during weekdays. Sometimes I even keep it as my lunch so that I don't have to waste time eating out during lunch hour when I need to rush my work.

6. Clothes washing powder. You don't have to buy me a washing machine if you cannot afford it, though I'd be really grateful if you could and would, hahahaha! Well, you can buy me something to go with it, which is the washing powder, haha! It is of course a necessity in my whole life, if I haven't married to a rich Duke and start sending all my clothes for laundry services or have maids to help me with them.

7. Night light! Everybody knows I am afraid to sleep in the dark. I have a penguin night light plugged in in my room. I switched it on every night as I sleep. It gives me a sense of security. I guess I need some back-up night light in case one day my penguin suddenly decided to quit working as a slave in a tropical country.

8. Book marks! I have the habit of taking forever to finish reading a book. Most of the time I can use anything thin as a bookmark. There was once I started reading Jodi Picoult(again)'s Change of Heart right after I buy it. I actually used the receipt for that book as a book mark, haha! However it'd be lovely if I have a more beautiful bookmark for it :)

9. A4 hard cover notebook. I can use it as my adjudication sheet during debate, write my journals, or for news article archives. I love A4 size hard cover notebooks, I don't know why. Sometimes I'd have fun flipping though blank notebooks even if there wasn't anything written in it (it is totally blank!).

10. Oral B tooth brush. Yes. Tooth brush, medium softness. Oral B. :)

Christmas Deco in Pavilion!

Pictures taken in Pavilion, their Christmas deco :) Pretty glamorous I'd say.

Outside Pavilion 1

Outside Pavilion2

Christmas trees welcoming guests at the entrance

Inside Pavilion, at the concourse, more towering Christmas trees!

Look Up!

In Christmas mood :)

Being random

There is, like, SO MANY ways to react to a cute guy's random greeting that I could probably write a book out of it, but all I did was halted, mind went blank, and smiled back. At first I paused because I was trying to recall if I've seen him somewhere. His face looked familiar - his short blonde hair and blue eyes kinda reminded me of Ronan Keating, to be honest. But his accent was more like an American. Then I returned to my senses and reckoned I don't know him, so I smiled back just to be polite. I don't want them to think Malaysians are rude or so uncivilised that I don't know how to reply a friendly greeting.

I have just finished work and my mind was totally squeezed out of its normal self. I should have shouted back:

"Do you hate OSama or OBama more?"

"I am ready to take on the world with the awesome power of hashbrown!"

"What ON EARTH is wrong with Sarah Palin?"

"Let's go swimming!"

Indeed. As I realise I don't know how to be equally random in response to that random greeting, I guess I have no life in me anymore. I need to go swimming to get it back :)

And I did! Nice swim! lalala~

Lovely

Great Weekends!

I've been traveling a bit during the these two weekends. I went Kuantan during the last weekend, and I just got back from Ipoh this afternoon :)

Both were fantastic weekends! I enjoyed the interesting events that added spice to my ordinary life, the great food from different places, the laughter-filled car rides, and most importantly to me, the friends I spent time with. I feel very much alive and loved when I was with them. Nothing beats hanging out with friends during weekends. Of course, sometimes one does need time for him or herself to breathe. But I've been having that during the weekdays. Hence it's wonderful to spend time with friends when we've got the chance to.

People says, find a job that you love, and you'll never need to work again. I am not sure if I've fallen in my current job, but it does grow on me :) Without realising it, I'm giving more of myself into it. I don't complain as I wake up in the morning for work. I actually love the morning breeze as I walk to the monorail station. I haven't been going home sharp at 5:30pm since few weeks ago. Sometimes my work reminds me of the thesis-writing part of my final year in university - the whole day is about starring at the computer screen and type away! But this time, I'm glued to the desk like an addiction, or out of obsessiveness, to calculate the best rate, to make sure the review reports get done correctly, to study the hospital bill and medical reports to decide for the next step should one is needed, and to debate with myself over the options. Satisfaction comes after completing one task after another. And when more work is coming, adrenaline runs in my blood without the need of coffee!

But what I've learnt during my past part-time job experience was, no matter how enthusiastic I feel about a job/career, I must get some air to breathe if I really want to commit wholeheartedly in it. During my past two part-time job, I honestly enjoyed the first few weeks/months of working there, and hence I decided to work for longer hours. It turned out that it was a bad move to do so, because I got worn out of spirit for it, and my passion died, replaced by negative perception which blocked me from seeing the brighter side of the job. I learn that I need to take it slow and steady for it to be long-lasting.

This is a job God has blessed me with. For whatever hidden mission God has in placing me there, I want to fulfill my purpose there wholeheartedly. Everybody has different ways to give their best in something they really care about. For me, it's using the best equipment for it. If you have the best tools yet you don't spend time maintaining it or doing some quality control for the benefit of the job, then maybe you're just not that into the job, are you? :)

Here are some pictures taken during the car ride along the highway:

Here I Am.

I guess God is trying to tell me something. A message He told me long time ago, but I have forgotten. First-time mistake, was because I didn't know it. Second time mistake, was because I've forgotten the lesson, maybe it didn't hit me hard enough during the first time. When the time comes to make the same mistake for the third time, I'll make sure it wont happen :) I kept asking, how could it happen? It's too coincident! The answer is simple - because God has planned it carefully, and watched over the incidents to make sure they did happen accordingly, one after another. I was disappointed at first, and nearly loose faith in God again. But when I look back, it hits me that, it has happened in a way that could cause the least harm to my heart, the same way God has been protecting me during the first mistake. And the principles of second mistake is almost the same as the first one. The same God has always been here, but it's me who has been away. Only when I get myself back here, then can I experience the familiar warmth I once had, in God's arm.

*deep breath*

It's dangerous. Very. Somebody please stop me.

But if you've known me enough, you know that it's already too late when I say this. Or nearly. I'm still holding onto my last string of conscience with the rest of me entering the wonderland.

On another note, I'm going to Kuantan today. Will be back tomorrow afternoon. Haven't packed! And next weekend, I'm going to CHEONG JUN LING'S WEDDING in Ipoh! Congratulations, my darling!!

***

...He remembers I'm going for a friends wedding.

mixed feelings

omg omg kill me, i need to spill it out to someone fast because i cant go swimming to save my soul it keeps raining everyday Lord what are you playing at it's not funny please let me run to You and whisper my joy and anxiety and excitement and concerns and argh my heart is going to explode at the next second because hehadbeensuggestingthewholedaytomeetupforadrinkyesterdayeitherathisormyplaceandtodayhesendsmeamessagejusttotellmeilooknicetodayafterbumpingintomeattheliftandchattedalittlefomerefiveminutesandihavebeenlookingforwardforhimtotakethefirststepeversincethefirsttimeisawhim!

Criminalise War

Today I went for a conference & exhibition on war crimes around my place. I have always known there are inhuman activities done in war prison, the torture during interrogation, and etc. But I've never understood much about it. I guess the main reason was because we being far from war zones have been ignorant towards the issues. Of course, I do find the mainstream media has been doing a good job in justifying the killings in a war, painting us the pictures those in power want us to believe in, and we didn't question much. There are outcries about war crime here and there, but it barely makes an impact to us who live an ordinary life, which is more to heavenly if compared to those imprisoned in war prison and those in war zones. I felt very bad as I walked through the tunnel in the exhibition. pictures of babies suffering from the effect of depleted uranium from nuclear weapons, malnutrition due to sanctions, suspects being tortured in Abu Ghraib, children who couldn't make it to schools or have a decent childhood playing outdoor, men who prayed to live long enough for the next meal.

I'm glad to be educated about what is happening behind scene. Theoretically sanctions or engagement could fail or work, either way, we always hope the government of a country will treat its people with respect, unlike the Sudanese government who actually hired private military company to carry out ethnic cleansing. But what really happen in a country under sanctioned is not as what we think. The Big Powers even go to the extend of banning pencil, medical swab, toothpaste going into the Iraq. Medical supply is a necessity for every place human inhabit! It is too apparent that the people there were pushed to extinction on purpose. I wonder what else that the outside world doesn't know. Maybe, we shouldn't have invaded Iraq at the first place. Torture in the name of interrogation for terrorist information couldn't be justified for the trickle-down effects (such as abuses) it brings, too. Water-boarding, limited space confinement, electrocution, and many more tortures we couldn't have imagine ourselves going through for hours, were done on the prisoners. No matter how we tried to justify it, we opened door for more casualties and killings.

It also hit me that, changing the mindset of the people living in comfort is important, too. Because they are the one with the resources and power to do something. If they'd move out from their comfort zone, they can change the way things are handled now. And in the mean time, raising more awareness among those around them, make a bigger impact. But what is more important, is to change the mind of the leaders who called for those wars at the first place. Irregards of on what ground a war is started, it kills. Not just one or dozens, but hundreds and thousands of innocent life are sacrificed. If killing a person is a first degree crime, what about burning down villages with bombs and rockets? Why aren't the master minds behind these murders be punished? At one point I felt helpless because I am not the one in power to stop the war or to end the conflicts. But I hope I can help to change the mindset of my society, making them see what is happening to our mankind, and move a soul to be compassionate about their sufferings. I hope everyone could understand that we can achieve more by having a bigger team, and eventually the ones in power can no longer ignore us.

Shut down Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib. Send that BU-ll SHit and his army to trial. Find out more at www.criminalisewar.org today.

Finally!

That's the biggest I can post it. But you may click on the link to visit their official website. I HAVE BEEN asking myself why haven't they come up with these plans already? Yes, it's now available! Faster pass probation period, FASTER!! :D

How I wish I could say what I want to. But even if I have the freedom to, sometimes it's just politically incorrect to do so, or people'd not expect you to say it.

I'm really emotional in the past one month's time. If it's hormonal imbalance, I just want to clarify that I don't take steroids and I am not pregnant. Totally not.

Thanks for pulling my leg, it could make me feel like I'm still a part of you guys. But I'm a Little Old Lady who is undergoing mid-life crisis. Things are different and you can't understand if you don't try to. I am not trying to make things up or exaggerate the situation, but I am more sensitive than usual, I can't help it.

I have this strong sense of not being wanted or appreciated or loved or noticed or cared, in the past few weeks. Someone asks me to appreciate the people around me now. Honestly, I've been doing it and I feel tired already, because I have forgotten how it's like to be treated in that way. Don't tell me God will understand how I feel. Of course He does. But, so? Don't tell me God will give me free flow of love supply for me to love others in return. Because I doubt if people would be glad to receive it from me anymore. They probable have found a cooler love supplier. Someone who is not too old for everything.

Psychiatric treatment is not covered in insurance. But maybe I do need one now. Because by putting a price tag on the time then only will someone spend it on me. What I need is just to have you sit next to me and breathe.

sad

heartbroken

lost

Bye.

I have been trying to figure out a way to put this thought into a post, like I always do for most of my posts - I think of a special way to present a simple idea, challenge myself to be more creative. But I just can't. For the first time I feel helpless even to start to write it.

Sometimes I like KL. But KL is always a cold, empty city at night. Tomorrow morning, a soul will leave KL, Malaysia. And this place is going to be one soul less to keep it warm.

I have always thought this day is not going to come, yet. During Jan 2009, Oct was very likely to take forever to come. It's 10 freaking months to enjoy, to relax, to take for granted.

But tonight is the night, to beat good bye to my favourite bar tender, a wonderful colleague whom I had learnt countless valuable life lessons from, a great friend in whom I can always trust, admire, and look up to.

He told me he is grateful of the chance to be my friend (He is from Myanmar, hence he doesn't have much -real- Malaysian friends), and apologised for any mistake he's done. My throat swelled and all the words were stuck there. He made a debater went speechless. I couldn't tell him enough how glad I am to ever get to know him, a humble guy with an ambitious heart. He lives with principles guarding his life value, and he is down to earth.

Min Htay, you'll always be my brother whom I shall remember in my prayers. You have my best wishes for your future undertaking. And if you decided to stay in Myanmar, your home country, I want to believe that Myanmar will treat you better than how Malaysia had treated you, that you'll have loads more friends than you had here. Because happiness is how you value your life, and friendships are what make you happy.

Take care.

It seems like, a series of departures are preparation for me to face a bigger departure in near future ;-(

I Hate Departure

Who is more important? The one who doesn't mind if you're calling to say good bye or not before he flies off, or the one who'd call you the night before he flies off?

Putra LRT, please don't fail me. ;-(

Foreign Locals

A short article in NST on 23/10/2009 titled Malaysia 3rd best for outsourcing.

Malaysia ranks third after India and China for outsourcing and more than 90,000 job opportunities have been created by multinational companies that have invested here. During question time yesterday, Deputy Ministry of International Trade and Industry Datuk Jacob Dungau Sagan told the house that a recent study showed Malaysia was a favourite among foreign companies. This year alone, 23 foreign companies invested RM1.02 billion, which will create 4,265 new job opportunities over five years, he said.

He didn't say the jobs are for Malaysians.

On 18/10/2009, Home Minister Datuk Seri Hishammuddin Tun Hussein reported Sabah to have 610,614 foreigners detected, the legal ones are only 230,000 (source from NST article). If you're living in Kuala Lumpur, you may have more than once being surrounded by foreigners when you're doing your shopping, taking a bus ride, eating out, and so on. Even the tourists may have mistaken them to be Malaysian because there are just too abundant of them around here!

I do admit, Malaysia needs foreign workers. But no matter what, we don't welcome those with dubious behaviour. We don't welcome Indonesian maids who abuse the children she's paid to take care of, or run away her employer's money and jewelries. It's our fault for mistreating the maids, hence no doubt those employers must be punished. But the employers' actions do not justify the maids' misconduct either. Why is the Indonesian government barking at us?

We don't welcome foreign workers who are illegal. If you don't have an identity here, you don't have the responsibility to carry yourself properly. Because it's difficult for us to identify you when you've committed a crime, or two, or more. We don't have the incentive to take care of you if you're not registered. And because you're not taken good care of, you take it out on the Malaysians. Rape cases, robbery, drug trafficking, murders, and the list goes on. Of course, not all (illegal) foreign workers are this bad. But if you have nothing to hide, why not use the proper way to come visit/work here? Tedious procedures? That's right. Those procedures are there for a reason - we don't need an influx of foreign workers to flood our job markets.

One may argue that the jobs taken up by them are jobs the choosy Malaysian to ego to have. But mark my words: the trend is changing fast. We always thought most of the foreign workers work in plantations and construction sites. The next thing you know, they're also working in factories and offices as maintenance staff (cleaning ladies). Not for long, you realise that they are operating the machines in those factories, and running around in coffee shops as a cheap labor for the tauke. Now, a lot of high-end restaurants are hiring them in a large scale as waiter and waitresses. Believe me, those I've come across give very good services, and are even friendlier than Malaysian counterparts. The only problem is their language proficiency, which gives them away every time they speak. So, are these jobs too lowly a job for Malaysians, too?

The biggest problem regarding the trend mentioned above is that it is a vicious cycle. We let foreign labors take up more "higher profile" jobs over the years. As Malaysians see that those jobs which once were theirs have now been labeled as "foreign worker's" job, and are instantly associated with others low profile jobs which are also taken up by the foreign workforce, Malaysian hence have a skewed mindset about working in these same positions. In the end, lesser locals want to fill those vacancies, leaving it a reason for more influx of foreign workers into Malaysian job market. And the cycle goes on.

We don't like the idea how the government is having double standard when it comes to granting citizenship to the long time inhabitants. Some foreign workers have only been here for 2 years and are granted Permanent Residence status, or even citizenship, while there are people who have been applying it through the legal, tedious process for more than 40 years but never hear a news from Home Ministry.

Back to the article mentioned. When we talk about multinational companies, what hit our minds is their profit-orientated nature. There is absolutely nothing wrong to be so. In fact, I even think that we should run our country like how we run our companies: invest in new potential employees and train them for free; send the existing ones for continuous growth from time to time; analyse business opportunity properly and take the best plunge; fulfill corporate social responsibility to increase company image; weed out corruption and have trust amongst colleagues; spend every cent at the most beneficial way with bigger returns in mind; the vision is to expand our influence all around efficiently.

My problem with that nature, however, is the fact that they hence tend to hire cheap foreign labors instead of Malaysians, even if they invested in Malaysia. Don't tell me that the higher position such as the branch manager might be a Malaysian, but look at the ratio of those who are benefited, 50 to 1, maybe? We applaud the advantages brought by foreign investors. New market, more competition for local business , more choices for consumers (I love this benefit dearly), among others. But really, is our government really doing enough in the check and balance for this foreign-investors-benefiting-the-locals move?

Think about it.

Control Version

Some of my friends told me they like my writings here (One of them is Fea! It's really an honor.). I am always happy to have people telling me that. But when I was choosing my career path, the thought of working as a writer only stuck in my head for a while. It'll be good to if I could write for my living, but I doubt I can really be that good, not to mention catching up with the deadlines as well. Shivered, I dropped that dream, and pursued other options. I was then crazy over being a medical underwriter for insurance company, which is what I'm working as now.

Recently there were crazy, controversial bells ring in my head as I read the newspaper or came across some incidents/news/situation, etc. It hits me that, if I were paid to express my thoughts on what I observe around me, I'd be a controversial writer. It kinda scares me. Really.

There was once when I read that there was a commotion or fight during a by-election at a not very well-known place. What actually hit me was not how some Malaysians had become uncivilised and got physical over this small scale by-election. What rang in my head was that: these "supporters" of opposing parties were paid to put up a show to attract the attention from the media and hence the related candidates could have free publicity. Even if either of them lost in the by-election, they’re at least known to more people who happen to read the news and get to know about the by-election and candidates than without such drama. The commotion may also indicate that the by-election must have been crucial hence the tension. This draws curiosity of the people for a bit more and hopefully they spend some time reading the articles. To be honest, I had a feeling that it was God who spoke to me.

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When Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize, the bell rang again. This time, I heard that, Obama may or may not have contributed significantly in creating peace in the world, but he absolutely needs that prize right now.

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I realise that, the war on terror is not the most detrimental war, but the war with mindsets are. The big powers have been using this tactic all along. To win this war, one has to change the enemy's mindset to be the one they want them to have. Whoever becomes the follower of the "new" mindset is the loser. And we're not only changing the mindset of the leaders, most importantly are the people, poisoning their minds one person at a time. Imposing the idea of who is being more superior and everyone should follow, or even imitate the actions of the superior ones.

Do you know how to keep a Third World country remain one? That's right, the Third-World mindset: It's ok if you're developing at a slow pace, because you're a Third World country; It's ok to borrow money from the IMF or World Bank, because Third World countries are poor and have trouble in sustaining themselves, etc. It's ok to abide to the rules set by the First World, because they’re always the one in front anyway. Do you know how to keep a Follower forever be one? Impose the idea that they have to depend on the Leader for major decision, or major contribution to the field. The First World paints the picture of being superior to the Third World that advancement in technology will never come to the latter unless the former is willing to transfer it here, that only their styles and fashion can bring “revolution”, that their standard is the universal measurement, etc. And when you talk about the image of a country, nothing has more to do with perception than painting the right (or conveniently wrong) picture at the right time.

That the western lifestyle is always more interesting and exciting: fast food served fast, tasty and ready to go. They tell you it's a happy experience to eat at fast food outlet with your family. But they didn't tell you too much of those "happy moments" may get your blood vessels clogged with fats. When the organic food frenzy takes over the fried food, they sell "healthy" salad at a price higher than fatty food, because to stay healthy is “supposedly” a conscious move. Fantastic.

Back then wearing animal furls was a code for the "upper class" in the society, thanks to the fashion Leaders. Now as the animal rights group detested the practise, they're the one who make the loudest noise in support of such clause, and instantly discriminate those who killed those poor little fury friends. And they believe whatever they've done in the past shouldn't be mentioned or apologise for because they've "moved on".

They told you their coffee is planted in some exotic places in Africa, with the best combination of nature and nurture, comes the coffee beans with the best taste. They show you pictures that they are the developer for such places, providing job opportunity and bringing civilisation, but they never mention what they've done to the original plantations there. Have they destroyed the crops that survive better with the soil and weather there for the sake of planting these coffee beans in large, commercial scales? Will these foreign species be bring harm to the nature or minerals of the soil there if such plantation continues? Do they pay the local workers enough or are they just abusing them as cheap labour even if a cup of those "fine" coffee cost more than the usual ones? Are the Africans exchanging their crops for food with crops for more business but no food? Are they making the resourceful Third Worlds being dependent on the "provider" First World, who are leeching off the natural resources from the former when everyone's attention is elsewhere? The main thing is to impose the idea that they're always right and at a higher ground. Even if you don't understand why we shouldn't let an animal go extinct, the Follower will follow whatever the Leader says, because hopefully hence the former will have the resemblance in status to the latter as well. You don't have to know that they're the one who abuses the labors, because they serve you nice coffee. You don't have to know they use child labor because they make nice clothes for your kids. You don't have to know they're the one who make us depend and invested in unhealthy lifestyle before telling us it is bad. Simply because they know we'd all think highly of them and have faith in them as the Leader.

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You know the significance of Malaysia Day recently announced? 16th September 1963 was the day Malaysia became the official name for this country AND everyone knows about that. Few years ago voices were getting stronger on having a bigger scale of celebration on this day than how it's celebrated back then - way too unceremoniously if compared to National Day every 31st August. But why only recently that it's announced to be a public holiday?

Link 1Malaysia fever proposed enthusiastically by our PM, and the governmental effort to discuss the most needed approach to racial unity, to having the indigenous groups in East Malaysia to be noticed and keeping the Special Rights and Privileges for the Bumiputras while everyone continue to discuss how to avoid the “us” and “them” separation. Do you see what I see?

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:)

What do 3 months mean?

It means:

1. Group Policy files

(a) check and update the claims records for policies file that is expiring in 2 months time. If the claim is suspicious, then we'll have to take out the claim files and check the hospital bill. Abdominal pain is definitely not an acceptable diagnosis to be claimed for coverage. Diabetes mellitus was written in black and white as your pre-existing sickness which you've had before the inception date, what the h*ll did the third party approve your claims for it?

(b) calculate the overall loss ratio of the account for every individual company or group or holding, and decide if we should do something about it. Finally, close file, and start again with another file.

2. Individual policy

(a) check and update claims records, check premiums, check age limits, calculate loss ratio, close file, next.

3. Third Party name list

(a) check the names, dates, do payment, send emails, close case.

4. Premium quotations

(a) check claims records if it's a request for upgrading plans. check number of employees, check nature of occupation and overall total premium contribution and loss ratio from other classes. Edit the dates of issuance and remarks for wording, send it out, follow up later. If taken up or rejected, close case.

5. Read the boring Malaysian politics and not emotional Jodi Picoult.

6. Work OT. Don't go for swimming so that I don't let my mind wanders off in the pool.

7. Don't listen to David Cook's songs. And Kris Allen's, too.

8. Keep talking to random strangers.

9. Don't drink/smell/ look at coffee.

10. Stop crying.

All the above, times three. Time does fly, right?

Letting You Go

Sincere apology to all the readers of this blog, for I am still in need of writing down my emo-ness. I know I should have, but I just couldn't, to stop having doubt and being annoying.

I watch a video clip titled "Daddy, You Can Let Go." I realised that freedom is the most dangerous gift. One may risk loosing the dearest someone who deserves this precious gift. But that's in the case when my concept of love got all wrong.

To love someone, we must give them our faith. There could be many moments that we cannot see with our eyes, or tough with our hands. But if hearts are sincere, we will be brave enough to tell them: I trust you. And loving them is a deafening silent fact.

When a dad lets go of his little girl on the bike from his hands, he isn't 100% sure his angel will do perfectly fine with the sudden surge of freedom. But he believes it's right to let go, so that she can be a stronger lady whom he grows to love even more. When a dad gives his princess away on the wedding day, he wants to believe that she chooses the right man for her life, if becoming a wife for the man she loves is what is best for her.

Now that the girl has the wings to fly high, she moves on, but doesn't move away. She turns her head and smiles at her dad as she paddles on. She comes back to her dad when he lies on the hospital bed with life-support tubes inserted all over him. It's the last time her dad has to hang on to her, because it's time for her dad to let go of her. For she's ready to take on the world, as how her daddy expected her to when he first let go of her on her bike, to kiss the sweet breeze of growing up.

Because love binds souls together, doesn't it?

I love you. I'll try to let you go, but not to give up on you. There will be many moments in future I cannot see with my eyes or touch with my hands. But you will know my heart says: I trust you.

Promise me that I shall see myself in you when you've grown up, will you?

Unphotoshopped Grins

Me and MerlinDarling! :D

Me and Keu.Lian.King~ :D

YvooOooNNe and me :D